At 5 years old I saw my father kick my mother in the back, he broke her back. She asked me to run to the health clinic and get help. I did. My father left that night and never returned.
At 14 years old, I was sleeping with men in their 30's and maybe even 40's, sometimes 10 a night. It was the 70's and seemed to be the normal thing to do.
At 15, my mother secretly planned with my father, to drive to our house and take me to live with him in another country. I new nothing about this as I was running away, doing drugs drinking and sleeping around and she feared I would hide if I knew he was coming. She and my brother tied me up to keep me at home, I don't blame her I was a terrible kid. I looked out the window one day and saw my father's car,. "hey, dad is here!".. he came to the door and mom brought out a very large suitcase with everything i owned inside. I got in the car, looked back and saw my sister looking out the window.
At 17, I moved out on my own because my dads wife was a crazy alcoholic. I was living in a strange country with a girlfriend I met at school.
At 19 I got pregnant with a man who shoved a three gauge shotgun to my face and threatened to kill me if I left him. He did not want the child, we gave the child up for adoption. When I went into labour, he dropped me off at the hospital, I was alone.. false labour and had to walk home 5 miles across an empty field and up a hill because I couldn't reach the father for a ride home. He was at his sisters place in the next town an hour away. I went into labour that night, again dropped off at the hospital. alone I did the labour, never saw the child until three months later. I wanted to keep the child so I picked the child up. Had her with us (her father and me) for 2 years, then we split and he kept hiding the child at his parents house etc etc.. I fought in court, got an order to share custody, which he did not abide by. I finally gave up the fight.
By age 32, I had lived with 6 men for between 4-7 years. I would always leave them.
Married for the first time at 40, divorced at 48. Lost my business of 20 years to bankruptcy.
I can't say good bye to my family after we meet. I used to climb out a window at moms to avoide seeing her in the morning and having to go through the terrible, sick feeling with uncontrollable crying.. when I had to say good bye. I continue this behaviour even after she is gone, her death.. I miss her so much.
I now climb out of windows or just skip out the night before now because i cant say good bye, I avoid visiting my family (who live in another country) because I dread the part of saying good bye.
I have been bullied at work twice in the last 3 years to the point where I have been diagnosed with PTSD, 10 months of therapy with a phycologist didn't help, I still walk away,. run (nearly slip out a window) when yelled at, at work. I slipped out the stairwell at my last job, of one year, when someone yelled at me. I loved that job.
My current partner and I are going to councelling and I was told today that my problems may be pathological..
What does that mean? Pathological what?
Do you have an opionion on this?
Thank you