Am new here

[turquoise]

Hi there. Hi hey am trying to work out if I am bipolar1 or bipolar 2 have been diagnosed as bipolar 2 for a couple of years now. I am a health professional and I am starting to have hallucinations. I am so scared. I stated to my caseworker that I am having these just before I fall asleep. Its Friday here and they finish at 5pm. I didnt want to tel her the truth. I am good at my job I know that. The problem was today their was this thing in my head I dont know if I was just in some way attention seeking
It kept saying I need to take an overdose. Fuck I kept saying I cant Fuck it just kept at me!
I am scared. I have taken so many overdoses in my life and my last one well what ever I was in oblivian and I was in oblivian. Now I am living the life I dont think I am responsible or rational enough to be living. Fuck! Fuck! and double fuck!!
Sorry I am new here and probably will be banned for being so fucked up.
I am so good at what I do then I can get so angry and not 'show' it then today I got home from night shift obviosly havnt slept just drank a whole bottle of wine like within the hour. Rang my caseworker and found out that yeh bipolar 2 can lead to bipolar 1 Funny enough I had no idea. I feel like a lot of things make sense now and yeh nah I cant put myself in the position of looking after other people. I feel sick.
Jeez I was at work last night and all I well not all but every now and again I could hear was I need to take an overdose. That wasnt all I could hear but that was something that for me was quite clear. I worked and did my job but every now and again was that theme. My partner he has over the last few nights had to conmvince me that there are no monsters or people in the house to get me?
I know they are imagined but still thats the first time I have felt this way.
I know I shouldnt now be working in the health field the poor guys that I care for or am meant to!1
I dont know now what to do.

[anonymous123]

i suggest seeing a therapist having thoughts and hallucinations can be frightful and life consuming, dont quit your job it sounds like its very important to you unless you feel it intereferes with your health like if you dont get enough hours to sleep that also leads to hallucinations , drinking doesnt help it exacerbates the situation, i wish you the best of luck.

[Ashes]

I am bipolar 1 with ptsd. I usually just deal with the issues of depression but there are times when the paranioa kicks in and i stop sleeping. everything goes downhill after that. I start having delusions and auditoriy hallucinations. your not alone i have done a cou[ple of overdoses myself. dont giveup. just always remember no matter how bad ypu may feel it wont last forever. i hope you start feeling better soon.
take care
ashes

[turquoise]

Thanks Ashes, I worked afternoon shift thurs, Fri and my last shift today.
I had wednesday off. I spent all Tuesday crying. Things were bad.
Last week at work I was spiralling out of control. It was so damn busy, even chaotic really.
When I wrote my notes I was so overwhelmed that my writing was not like mine at all. Its looked worse than a childs.
I missed out on breaks. Could barely eat so didnt.
And found out this week via my boss that I had made some drug errors like not giving a medication or writing the wrong thing. I have never ever made mistakes like this before!!! It must of been a few as the nurse/s wrote some incident forms.
I may not only lose my job but if this carries on I could lose my registration and not be able to practise again!
I feel scared.
Last night I panicked I went to show a new nurse a certain procedure and just couldnt work it out like I had never done this certain task before. I had to get another nurse. I really believed then that I was having a nervous breakdown.
I was even going to get hold of my manager and tell her I am going to have to put myself over into the psych ward.
I wanted to overdose I cant take meds from work just couldnt ever do that. Its stealing yet it scares me that that even seems a little tempting atm. However I definitely wont ever be able to practise again and this sort of behaviur could mean that the actual police woud have to get involved then noone would employ me cos this would ruin my integrity and everyones trust in me.
So anyway what to do?
Get another job resign now before I make another mistake?
Or drop don to maybe 5 days a fortnight.
Luckily I dont have to work nightshift so thats one good thing.
So I am sort of overwhelmed right now, scared lost my confidence and part of me is grieving. My job was like one of my joys in life. Now I just feel uncofident and a failure.
Dont know where to from now?

[Ashes]

hi
it sounds like ypu are under a lot of stress. is it possible for you to take some time off. i was thinking mabey that could help. i also wonder if you are on meds. i seem to be having good luck with lithium, celexa and haldol. i hope you start feeling better soon.
take care
ashes

[turquoise]

Hi again. Yeh I am wondering if I just need a break. I have really lost my confidence and living in fear that I will make another mistake. I feel part of my brain has dissapeared. I also feel a bit paranoid that maybe some of the people at work are singling me out. I have shared with some of the people at work that I have a mental illness and now feel like everyone knows.I know that as a nurse I hear some comments like that patient 'is bipolar' or they are a 'bit odd they must be bipolar' I am finding it difficult being in that environment. Just cos we work in a surgical ward people dont want to realise if you have poor mental health then you will have trouble dealing with physical health problems.
Anyway I am on venlafaxine, lamotrigine, quetiapine, melatonin, and diazepam and zoplicone as required.
Feel like atm I need something else?
My support worker left on Friday. Didnt see her since about 3 weeks ago. Havnt yet heard from my new support worker. Its a male and not too sure how I feel about that!
But yeh bout work? Dont know.
I would love to do something in the mental health field not working as a psych nurse. I would like to do something educational that will raise peoples awareness. As peoples understanding of mental illness is piss poor.
It seems to me that especially mental illnesses like schizophrenia and biplolar seem to be surrounded in stigma.
Dont know I just feel so lost atm.
Have no idea what to do from here.

[Billy36]

Thanks for sharing important problem.
I suggest to check out specialist doctor . Otherwise you start any activity like business as real estate or social working . In this way you get peace and in this way you get rid of your problem.

[turquoise]

You know just loved my job so so very much. I was always so caring, intuitive although in a physical health setting I was always proud within myself to be able to recognise people that may indeed have mental health issues that have gone unrecognised.
Well guess that all doesnt matter now.
I have been off work sometime now its fucking stupid really. As how do I know if I am going to cope or not? unless I go to the 'shithole' (oops) work
Today my support person was going to ring me at 10am. Fucked round most the day left messages still didnt ring.
Well fuck everyone.
I rang again bout 4pm left a message and said "cos I have no idea what to do as my boss rang and asked whether I will be back next week" Then I said "I hadnt heard from you (the support person) so I have chosen to go back to work, from Monday".
I have been drinking all day. Drank a bottle of wine in one hour. Then had a few beers then half dozen of bourbon and colas.
I did see my pdoc last week she is great. But the work thing I feel all calm as if theres no loss, then I feel like part of my lives been taken away.
Sleep for mes the main problem. Anyway the pdoc has put my quetiapine up tp 1000mgs. Diazepam 5mgs at night and still on the other stuff.
My husband has to give me a few days at a time as I cant be trusted in regards to me and my impulsivity to overdose.
A have a few 'extras' hidden at least.
I have also explained to hubby that the support worker rang and said I can up the quetiapine and double the dose of diazepam!
You know, its not about me anymore. Its bout everyone else. God my husband worries bout me all the time. I cant be trusted. Here I am drinking all day long. I have fucked up my job as let that rage/agitation/frustration consume me and have been a bitch not only to my collegues but also a few patients. Even at the supermarket the other day I was just so agitated,pressured and driven. Was quite good in one way as everyone fucked off out of my way! (good for them and lucky I didnt have a knife at hand) LOL....
My husband will provide for me. I cant let that happen.
Even when I was a student a few times I didnt have a cent to my name Never, never can I ask for money. I cant and wont do that to anyone.
I have a little bit of cash in the bank but once thats gone then for me its gone and so am I.
I wish more for my husband if I didnt love him I wouldnt care. I love him but I know what a fucking burden I am.
And I am an emotional wreck. I am so messed up now that its all out of hand really.
The worst fucking thing is if I die he doesnt get any life insurance how wrongs that? Its sick and cruel. People do choose to die, they have had enough of chemotherapy, radiotherapy, do want an invasive surgical procedure. Some people choose not to eat well for controlling their diabetes, they are choosing that path.

[turquoise]

You know just loved my job so so very much. I was always so caring, intuitive although in a physical health setting I was always proud within myself to be able to recognise people that may indeed have mental health issues that have gone unrecognised.
Well guess that all doesnt matter now.
I have been off work sometime now its fucking stupid really. As how do I know if I am going to cope or not? unless I go to the 'shithole' (oops) work
Today my support person was going to ring me at 10am. Fucked round most the day left messages still didnt ring.
Well fuck everyone.
I rang again bout 4pm left a message and said "cos I have no idea what to do as my boss rang and asked whether I will be back next week" Then I said "I hadnt heard from you (the support person) so I have chosen to go back to work, from Monday".
I have been drinking all day. Drank a bottle of wine in one hour. Then had a few beers then half dozen of bourbon and colas.
I did see my pdoc last week she is great. But the work thing I feel all calm as if theres no loss, then I feel like part of my lives been taken away.
Sleep for mes the main problem. Anyway the pdoc has put my quetiapine up tp 1000mgs. Diazepam 5mgs at night and still on the other stuff.
My husband has to give me a few days at a time as I cant be trusted in regards to me and my impulsivity to overdose.
A have a few 'extras' hidden at least.
I have also explained to hubby that the support worker rang and said I can up the quetiapine and double the dose of diazepam!
You know, its not about me anymore. Its bout everyone else. God my husband worries bout me all the time. I cant be trusted. Here I am drinking all day long. I have fucked up my job as let that rage/agitation/frustration consume me and have been a bitch not only to my collegues but also a few patients. Even at the supermarket the other day I was just so agitated,pressured and driven. Was quite good in one way as everyone fucked off out of my way! (good for them and lucky I didnt have a knife at hand) LOL....
My husband will provide for me. I cant let that happen.
Even when I was a student a few times I didnt have a cent to my name Never, never can I ask for money. I cant and wont do that to anyone.
I have a little bit of cash in the bank but once thats gone then for me its gone and so am I.
I wish more for my husband if I didnt love him I wouldnt care. I love him but I know what a fucking burden I am.
And I am an emotional wreck. I am so messed up now that its all out of hand really.
The worst fucking thing is if I die he doesnt get any life insurance how wrongs that? Its sick and cruel. People do choose to die, they have had enough of chemotherapy, radiotherapy, do want an invasive surgical procedure. Some people choose not to eat well for controlling their diabetes, they are choosing that path. ITS THE FUCKI

[turquoise]

You know just loved my job so so very much. I was always so caring, intuitive although in a physical health setting I was always proud within myself to be able to recognise people that may indeed have mental health issues that have gone unrecognised.
Well guess that all doesnt matter now.
I have been off work sometime now its fucking stupid really. As how do I know if I am going to cope or not? unless I go to the 'shithole' (oops) work
Today my support person was going to ring me at 10am. Fucked round most the day left messages still didnt ring.
Well fuck everyone.
I rang again bout 4pm left a message and said "cos I have no idea what to do as my boss rang and asked whether I will be back next week" Then I said "I hadnt heard from you (the support person) so I have chosen to go back to work, from Monday".
I have been drinking all day. Drank a bottle of wine in one hour. Then had a few beers then half dozen of bourbon and colas.
I did see my pdoc last week she is great. But the work thing I feel all calm as if theres no loss, then I feel like part of my lives been taken away.
Sleep for mes the main problem. Anyway the pdoc has put my quetiapine up tp 1000mgs. Diazepam 5mgs at night and still on the other stuff.
My husband has to give me a few days at a time as I cant be trusted in regards to me and my impulsivity to overdose.
A have a few 'extras' hidden at least.
I have also explained to hubby that the support worker rang and said I can up the quetiapine and double the dose of diazepam!
You know, its not about me anymore. Its bout everyone else. God my husband worries bout me all the time. I cant be trusted. Here I am drinking all day long. I have fucked up my job as let that rage/agitation/frustration consume me and have been a bitch not only to my collegues but also a few patients. Even at the supermarket the other day I was just so agitated,pressured and driven. Was quite good in one way as everyone fucked off out of my way! (good for them and lucky I didnt have a knife at hand) LOL....
My husband will provide for me. I cant let that happen.
Even when I was a student a few times I didnt have a cent to my name Never, never can I ask for money. I cant and wont do that to anyone.
I have a little bit of cash in the bank but once thats gone then for me its gone and so am I.
I wish more for my husband if I didnt love him I wouldnt care. I love him but I know what a fucking burden I am.
And I am an emotional wreck. I am so messed up now that its all out of hand really.
The worst fucking thing is if I die he doesnt get any life insurance how wrongs that? Its sick and cruel. People do choose to die, they have had enough of chemotherapy, radiotherapy, do want an invasive surgical procedure. Some people choose not to eat well for controlling their diabetes, they are choosing that path. ITS THE FUCKING SAME!!!!!!
So why does it have to be different rules for different people. Its cruel thats what it is!