Not coping without medication

[clover]

I was diagnosed with bipolar type two around three months ago. Even though my parents were extremely skeptical about my diagnosis, my whole life I have experienced exceptional highs are debilitating lows. Right before I was placed on lithium, I had gotten to the point where I couldn't get out of bed due to an unbearable feeling of despair, I had no reason to be sad nor any reason to be as anxious as I was but for some reason I was consumed with suicidal and self-defeating thoughts. It got to the point where I couldn't even catch a train without wanting to jump infront of it. Because I was so desperate to alleviate the depression I agreed to go on lithium but after a while I grew tired of the flat feeling and I felt like I should be able to deal with my emotions like a normal person, for some reason the whole notion of needing meds to function makes me really uncomfortable and hurts my pride, I guess. Anyways, after I slowly transitioned of lithium I became employed and began working fifty hour weeks. I fell in love with literature again, starting planning further academic endevours and even started seeing a guy. Then, this overwhelming feeling of indifference struck me. I became emotionally detached to the guy and he ended up growing frustrated with my distance, I've given up on any career or academic prospects and it's not that I feel sad but I just feel empty. Even when I laugh, there's a feeling of abscence. I seem to be Infuriorating everyone around me because I'm so indifferent and antisocial. I don't understand, not long ago I was relishing in social and professional situations and now I can't even answer the phone without getting anxious nor spend a day without flirting with suicide and feeling a need to self mutilate again. Maybe I should go back on medication and go back into therapy but I hate feeling like I can't handle this on my own and I hate not having a family to confide in. Sorry about the vent, I just needed to get it off my chest.

[thecody1000]

This sounds very familliar. I can relate to this. There was one a time in my life when I was actually going to make a sucess of myself until up about two years ago I had a breakdown (fun!). Im about to graduate from the UEA with a business degree but life hasnt been the same since.

I just know that I;m doomed to fail in everything that I try and do so all Im going to do is finish my course and then if nothing comes from it (and nothing will because that would mean that somehting that I actually want will happen, which it never does!) then I dont see why I should bother caring tbh.

Im sick of the humiliation and the constant failures in everything that I do so I might say sod it and just go into porn or top myself! Or both if thats what porn addicts are into...people being murdered for sexual gratification..who knows...but anyway I digress.

Sometimes I think there not any room on this planet for people like me because once your career history is tattered or your credit rating is stuffed it is very difficult to recoup the life that you had back to how it used to be...if not impossible so I really do not see why I still have hope that there might be a slight danger that my life will actually be the way I want it!

T x

[bluee]

Very nice information sharing by you dude.
you can't cope to the desiese without using the medicine. but if you exercise daily then you can escape from the disease

[thecody1000]

Its hardly a disease. A disease refers to all conditions, injuries, and the like except for mental illness accoding to the DSM manual which is like the holy bible for all mentel health practitioners.

Im about to go into CBT and there is evidence to the contrary that people have benn able to come off meds because of the such effecive results CBT brings. I have tried this before without CBT few years ago and It didnt work.

It would be nice to be able to come off of them because they make me very drowsy, hence why I take them at night before I go do sleep (Im not becoming sloghtly too dependant on them now in that I cant go to sleep without them which I dont know if thats worrying or not...least I wont forget to taken them tho!!) but its not the end of the work of I can't.

Another point is that I was also diagnosed with aspergers syndrome when I was around two years old and my mother has said that its a common 'textbook' case that people whom have that diagnosis go on to develop bipolar disorder later on in life, is this true at all?

T X