I was told I might be bipolar

[Raspberry]

Hi.
I’m Sophie, 20 and a newbie to this forum. I registered because I currently have no one to talk to about my problems and am considering talking to a professional.

Since I remember, I’ve always been depressive and very self conscious. At the age of 8 I realized for the first time I was fat. When I was 14 or 15, I suffered from extremely severe suicidal thoughts and planned everything out. At that time, I was depressed for months. Something similar reoccurred when I was 17 and was almost raped, at that time the eating disorder kicked in in full power. I thought there was nothing else wrong with me; apart from being depressed by the way I looked. Until now.
I started uni in September and have been living 500 km away from my hometown since then. In the beginning everything looked fine (apart from the fact the ED got worse), I got together with a boy and had great results at the uni. However, I started to behave almost irrationally at times, falling into very deep depression (though I have no idea whether it was caused by ED or getting worse mentally triggered my ED even more). I started to hate people when feeling depressed, not leaving house for 3 or 4 days in a row, trying to make everyone back off. It got critical before Christmas when I almost passed out due to exhaustion,sudden weight loss and insomniac / disturbed sleep etc. I had to get extensions at the uni because I was unable to finish things on time. Surprisingly, during this long period of depression there were days when I could go without sleep and work all nights long without feeling tired the days after that, getting 6 – 10 hours of sleep in 3 – 4 days. This has been happening way too more often since January.

Last weekend I hit the point when I realized there is something wrong me. I woke up on Saturday feeling so depressed I couldn’t wash my face or do anything so I spend whole day in bed. On Sunday I had such suicidal thoughts I was afraid to go to the kitchen because I already saw myself grabbing a knife and slitting my wrists. I desperately wanted to end my life but at the same moment I scared myself so much I was afraid of ME. During such a stage I feel like retarded, totally slowed down, I can’t do ANYTHING. I cannot really describe it. The next days I was really fine, creative (which I enjoy since I study arts), losing weight and not eating (which is, by nature, not fine, I know... though I can handle fasting better than eating ) and despite of that sleeping very little (which is quite contradictory); then I went through a stage when I got awfully irritated by the fact my friend didn’t reply to my text message. Then I had to text him again, email him and when he still didn't reply, I wanted to call him but fortunately, I was not getting service on my cell phone. Also I noticed I was being flirty towards my close friend which is very unlike me. I’m not a person who jokes around and laughs all the time and yet I was like that for a couple of days in a row. That day I got home and couldn’t listen to music because I noticed every single minor sound in the background and it was giving me headaches. Then I laid down and stared up on the ceiling, having an incredible flow of thoughts and ideas and planning my future several years ahead, putting business plans in my mind together, getting crazy amount of things done… my roomie thought I was depressed when I didn’t talk to her but I was too preoccupied with my thoughts I couldn’t communicate on a normal level. When I thought about the suicidal stage I had had a couple of days before that I almost slapped myself for being so stupid. Something like that has happened several times before (I met most of my deadlines thank to such an energy rush) though I don’t have such a clear recollection of it as I do in this most recent case.

I always thought this depression and its opposite had a reason (I have not the best relationship with my parents) but I realized it’s not that. I don’t really care about it, I feel depressed or almost high for no apparent reason, I cannot justify it.
I remember talking to someone about this saying I felt like I had two selfs, two different faces but not in schizophrenic meaning. It’s more or less like I don’t know who I normally am when I’m neither depressed nor in elevated mood. Also my friends keep telling me things like “I have no idea how you always manage to stay up all night long and function normally”, “How is it possible you always meet the deadlines in the end?”, “Don’t feel so sad” (even though I don’t tell anyone when I feel down) or “You’re in such a good mood today, what has happened?”.

It’s really exhausting for me and it complicates my life a lot. People perceive me as a successful aspiring artist who always does her best but when I don’t meet deadlines (which used to be very unlikely but it happens more often now) / hate my boyfriend all of a sudden / don’t leave the apartment for few days / don’t answer the emails, I’m losing grades, friendships and job opportunities and I just cannot say, hey, I’ve been depressed, let me be
I bet this is not normal and I don’t feel like it’s just a depression (which has been BTW running in our family for past 3 generations at least)... I wanna solve this but have no idea how. I don't know who I am without these mood swings anymore.

[Glen]

Hi Sophie - I was your age when i went through my anxiety / depression stage. I tried to not think about it but eventually it got worse. I went and spoke to someone but i found that it didn't help me ( i am not saying it won't for you)

I eventually asked for medication which is what i wanted to to last. I have been taking it for 2 years and it has helped me a lot. but currently i am not feeling my happy self.

I would recommend you talk to someone, you will feel better when u do i no i did

[Raspberry]

Hi Sophie - I was your age when i went through my anxiety / depression stage. I tried to not think about it but eventually it got worse. I went and spoke to someone but i found that it didn't help me ( i am not saying it won't for you)

I eventually asked for medication which is what i wanted to to last. I have been taking it for 2 years and it has helped me a lot. but currently i am not feeling my happy self.

I would recommend you talk to someone, you will feel better when u do i no i did

I'm trying to arrange a meeting with a college councellor right now, I hope it eventually helps because I can clearly see it's been getting worse day by day, literally speaking.

I'm sorry you're not feeling that well now is there any possibility for you to switch to other medication if the current one is not working that well? xx

[Glen]

Yeah i have tried switching i have gone up to 10MG tablets up to 20. There are a mixture of things happening in my life at the moment my brother is in the centre of it with all these "randoms" he is bringing into my house where he is currently living. I don't no how or where he finds them i suspect facebook or other social pages. One minute it's talking then the next minute tongues are down necks then well ..... you no the rest.

That is one part that depresses me there i said it! LoL

[Raspberry]

Yeah i have tried switching i have gone up to 10MG tablets up to 20. There are a mixture of things happening in my life at the moment my brother is in the centre of it with all these "randoms" he is bringing into my house where he is currently living. I don't no how or where he finds them i suspect facebook or other social pages. One minute it's talking then the next minute tongues are down necks then well ..... you no the rest.

That is one part that depresses me there i said it! LoL

I'm sorry to hear that. Hope everything sorts out soon x

[Danni_jane]

Hi Sophie I have bipolar and I am 20 so I know how you are feeling and you are proberly thinking no you dont. I have been depressed since I was 12 after having a terrible unhappy childhood. Obviously I am not in the medical profession so I cannot diagnose you but If you could tell me your symptoms I could help guide you down the right path. I am on medication and I can tell you what they can be like and what to expect. Get back to me on thid forum if you have nay questions I will answer then to the best of my knowledege.. Good luck and Take care

Danielle x

[Raspberry]

Hi Danni,

I was actually diagnosed with bipolar II last week and was put on Depakene. It's been knocking me physically out but whatever... I had to quit my job and took two weeks off the university because I'm unable to do anything What meds r u on atm?

x

Hi Sophie I have bipolar and I am 20 so I know how you are feeling and you are proberly thinking no you dont. I have been depressed since I was 12 after having a terrible unhappy childhood. Obviously I am not in the medical profession so I cannot diagnose you but If you could tell me your symptoms I could help guide you down the right path. I am on medication and I can tell you what they can be like and what to expect. Get back to me on thid forum if you have nay questions I will answer then to the best of my knowledege.. Good luck and Take care

Danielle x

[Danni_jane]

I am seroquel 150mg and mirtazapine 30 mg.. I have had serious side effects.. I felt like I wanted to kill myself, muscle spasms, feeling drowsy, lathargic, sickness, emotional, mood swings all over the place, my heart races and felt I was going to pass out.. Im afraid that you will suffer side effects for at least a few weeks that is unless they dont keep on increasing your medication. I have been on them for 3 months and they kept on increasing my dosage I am still getting mild side effects and Im hoping they dont increase it again. These tablets can get addictive so after a while you shouldnt just stop taking them other wise you may start to get widthdrawl symptoms ( I did that mistake ) So say for example you have been taking them for a few months and you feel that they dont agree with you so one reason or another you must speak to your doctor who will know what to do about changing it. there are side affects that the instruction leaflet may not tell you or may your doctor about some of the side effects. But please do make sure you do read the instructions that come with your medication so you are aware of some side affects you may get. I have noticed a big difference and so has my family. You basically have to get over the big hurdles before you reach the finish line. I want you to remember I know what you are going through and I know that you can only get in touuch via this site but if at any time you do feel low, or you feel weird I will be on here daily. Just write on this site and put my name at the top so I know its to me and I will help you through it of you just want to talk.. Or I am on facebook aswell

Good Luck

x