bizzielizzieuk

Hello everyone:
My name is Liz and I am a happily married mum of two grown-ups who is also a Registerd Nurse and i live in Lancashire UK and I now accept that I have a diagnosis of depression.
Two weeks ago I had a crisis at work during a night-shift where i was assaulted twice by an elderly patient. I came home low in mood and could not motivate myself on my one night off in 9 nights. The next morning I woke up and felt that I had plummeted off a sheer cliff face into a very dark place with no escape. I was unable to return for my night shifts, and two days later my husband made an appointment for me with our local GP surgery, as I had taken to my bed and was unable to perform the most basic of personal hygiene tasks and I had refused to eat, which is not good when you are a recently diagnosed diabetic (type 2 tablet controlled-12 weeks ago).
Looking back I was displaying all the classic signs of major depression and I was unfortunate to encounter a locum GP, who attributed my mood to 'work-related stress', and told me to go away for a fortnight, and I would be OK.
The last two weeks have been a living hell. I have been unable to function with a family, no housework or interaction with my loved ones, I have locked myself away in the house within my bedroom as much as possible, I have refused to answer emails, phone calls, texts and the door to others, I have been unable to socialize via face book, I have wanted to die to be free of this nothingness. I have pushed away my loved ones and my sex life has hit the skids. I have been unable to sleep at nights for hours and hours as all sorts of thoughts have raced around my head, and then stayed in bed all day cat-napping and only getting out of bed after lunch. I have been unable to discuss even with my husband the torture that I feel, until today!
I rang the surgery this morning and managed to get an appointment with one of the regular GP's, who I haven't been able to relate to in the past, but today with a box of tissues and listening she explained that I wasn't going out of my mind, or a failure as a wife, mother, daughter or nurse, but that I was depressed and that there could be a way out!
She understood that even though I would not attempt suicide, that I was not the first person to imagine the act of suicide and feeling the life-force and misery drain away from me, today that GP saved my life. I have been non-compliant with all my diabetic and cardiac medications for two weeks with the hope that I would just be able to curl up and die, and fade away.
The normality to which I refer, is the fact that after my husband had accompanied me to the surgery and then returned to work, I made my own way to the local shops and bought ingredients for a spag bol, which is now bubbling away on the stove. Small steps I know, but what a giant leap of progress to undertake a task which I would have considered mundane and normal just a few weeks ago.
I now accept, that I have been experiencing a degree of depression since my father died of cancer in 2006, but I have always been recognized as a strong assertive individual who is a good problem-solver and generally the 'shoulder to cry on'. My father was a very sensitive and understanding man who would have recognized the signs of unhappiness and he would have supported me through this awful time, my mother however is a self-centred individual who is oblivious to the misery that I am enduring, but even as kids we were just told 'pull yourself together and don't be soft'! So I have had years of being able to slot my life into separate little boxes and put on a brave face, and just 'get on with it'!!
Is it the curse of nurses to experience depression, is it the everyday misery that we are witness too and experience.
Every time I support a family through the palliative stages of a patient's illness, my work colleagues have nothing but praise for my empathy and care for the families of the patient, but inside I am transported back to being a first year student nurse experiencing bereavement on a truly personal level. I love my role as a nurse, but at the moment I cannot see myself returning to the profession and so I feel that I have lost my identity as well. Well at least it has been a good day so far.