BrokenFromWithin

Ever since I was about two I've lived only with my mom, I saw my Dad once a week or something but that wasn't till I was a little older. So my mom punished me using spanking and of course this was justified (god knows why) in the 90s but it went beyond that for me. I don't know if this is what caused me so much trouble in my life but even when I was small like five or maybe younger it wasn't merely punishment it was blind rage. And she'd do that moronic thing where you tell the kid to stop crying even though your BEATING THEM. So sometimes I'd get smothered with a pillow or what not. Can't tell you how many hair brushes, coat hangers, rulers and wooden spoons my lovely ass broke but there were quite a few...and while this may not have caused my life crippling shyness, I do believe this is why I am a compulsive liar. When I do something I already have five lies lined up about why I was doing it etc. To avoid punishment and pain, even in every day relationships with small things I lie like there is no tomorrow and I'm damn good at it too. So anyway this went on till well into my teens and that's when I started to fight back. You don't spank a fucking teenager no matter what the fucks your problem. My good ol' mom chased me up the stairs with brooms and hammers. I spend lots of nights with my dresser in front of my door while she tried unscrewing the handle on my door. And my mom threatened to call the cops on ME...needless to say I moved in with my dad and his wife and four children and so my mom and i fought less but it still happened and I chose being miserable with an overly religious ignorant judgmental bitch over my mother and I was fine. Until a couple years later when my mother had a stroke. It weakened her left side and changed who is she. Now she's nice and naive and just sad...The first thing that got me was here is this woman who beat me relentlessly till I had to leave the house and now she just gets away with it, all is forgiven because NOW she's nice. I know its selfish but I feel like my entire childhood just got pushed aside, like oh its okay she wouldn't do that now. The other thing is seeing her like this....She isn't my mom anymore, she's just a shell. She used to be strong, making a living for herself, doing what she wanted...now she can barely take care of herself. I can't stand being around her, which worked for awhile because she went to a different state to be near family that did take care of her till she went to an adult foster care. But a couple months ago she moved back down to my town and that has had a bad effect on an already very depressed person. At first I put up with the pain because I'm her daughter and that's what people expect, also because I feel the most extreme guilt I've ever felt. Like somehow this is my duty even though its NOT. Its my turn to live my own life but she expects me to buy her things she needs or take her places, when I can't even stand seeing her. Even listening to all the voicemails she leaves me brings me down because you can just hear the difference its like listening to a recording the same thing left in 20 different voice mails in the span of a couple days. So yeah I've been ignoring my mother and one day when I actually decided to call her back made me feel ten times worse than I already did. I can't do this. I'm living in a house where I feel like a stranger and my mother expects me to take care of her??? She's not even trying to get herself better, all she does is be negative and sit on her ass.

At the moment I am depending on my boyfriend to get me out of here, which is bad of me but I need it. I nearly have a panic attack when I think of still living in this house for a few more months. All day I am filled with hate, anger and depression because of the people I'm surrounded by. What was supposed to be a "family" turned out to be my worst enemies all related to each other. My step family literally drives me insane and I know when I get out of here the feeling of that weight being lifted will be enough to make me cry with relief and that never happens to me. There is never any relief, I can't deal with my anger or sadness anymore because if I do it will involve punching things till I can't feel my fist or cutting my arms and you should see them, quite the gallery of scars. So almost every day I smoke weed and it is the only thing that makes anything better. I have a job which has helped me learn to handle people better, be more outgoing even if its a little bit. But its still a rollercoaster for me...People call me quiet girl or just don't acknowledge me and I know its my own damn fault and I can't expect them to understand that which they've never encountered in another human before but it really tears me up inside to see all these friendships forming and I'm pretty much left outside looking in and what I wish I had. That is my life, watching people, yes I know they all have their problems but they have friends, they go out and do things, they're going to school and I'm sitting here knowing I could have gone to college and left all this behind if I hadn't fucked everything up so much in highschool. The four worst years of my life. I can't talk to anyone anymore because I know what they're all going to say and I know it won't make a shit of difference, that's why I don't talk to my friends. I run from change too, I think I could of had a chance at freedom and happiness but when the chance came I shut down and hid from it and I won't be able to hide much longer but believe me I'll try. I've already thought up my story and everything.

I thought I had a friend at work. She started talking to me about her problems with this guy that liked her at work and she started liking him and then they started dating and they had lots of problems and all the while she talked to me about them, because while I've completely fucked up my life, I do give good advice. But then once things with them were completely over she stopped texting me and it didn't really phase me till I was talking to my boyfriend. He gets jealous of anyone who talks to me and I was telling him you don't have to worry about her because she was just using me for someone to talk to about that guy and then it hurt...and now I've decided to withdraw myself from these people. I like my co-workers. Being at work is my escape from this house but I don't want to know what kind of shit they'd talk or what they would think of me if they really got to know me. I really don't want to take any chances because I've already felt stupid enough being myself the few times it happens... It really hurts. Even just now she texted me asking if I was working so I could check the new schedule for her and that's it...She's become good friends with some of the other people there but for some reason I can't make friends anymore. I mean of course the people there like me, I do what I'm told, I learn fast but I'm too quiet...Sometimes I wish I could read peoples minds but then again I don't think I could handle hearing all of what they think about me because I know from the way they look at me its not good. And I walk around the streets and everytime I pass someone I'm saying to myself I dont care what anyone thinks about me because they dont' contribute anything to who I am and I am my own person but then I read "People who say they don't care what people think, just want people to think they don't care." And its true, I wish I wasn't so dependent on every damn person...I want people to like me. But whatever you know...I just really wish I knew how to stop caring because I"m tired of it. People in my home and people outside all talk shit about me and it tears me up inside. I even have one step brother who goes out of his way to say shit about things he knows I like just because I'm in the room. Its his way of being an asshole to me without having to say anything to my face. Don't you love people?? He's one of those people that drove those kids to shoot up schools because I know exactly how they feel. My whole life I've been getting shit for being the way I am and I can't even run from it in my own damn house.

So in summary: I am wrought with guilt, constantly angry, sad, depressed etc. constantly thinking people are talking shit about me, regretful, lonely yet wishing to be alone more than anything, basically there are very few reasons why I'm still alive the main one being sheer curiosity for how much more fucked up my life can get. I've also started seeing myself differently in the mirror as of a couple weeks ago..Before I didnt really see anything...It was me big woop...now its not pleasant.all I see is this plain face staring at me and I dunno...It just makes things worse. And yes I just spent a good hour whining about poor me but whatever its better than letting it build up I guess. I wish I could afford a therapist or something but they're just full of shit too.