James

Hello there fellow Bluepeople, my name is James and I'm new to this this site (only joined this week) and have little idea on how to navigate around things on here, but I'm sure I'll find my way eventually.
All of my friends say I'm easy to get on with and have often been noted as being "too nice", often letting others push me around to some extent so they could be happy. My friends do all love and care for me, yet I don't know why very often.
I have suffered from depression for the past 5 years since I lost my first love and fell hard from it. My heart broke and I've been a different person ever since, physically, mentally and emotionally. I went from being depressed constantly to having severe self-loathing and finally to a point of emotionally numbness which has it's good days and bad days I guess.
I've gone from relationship to relationship (not as many as that may sound though) and yet there's been very little that's made me happy.
We recently lost our grandmother whom we all cared for deeply and regarded as a true saint of a lady who anyone and everyone could get along with. I loved her with all whats left of my heart and yet when I saw her on that day, I didn't feel sad. I was overcome by anger which was at the time a blessing as it's the closest thing I've had to a positive feeling in months and months. But it only lasted a few moments. And then it was gone again.
I often feel alone although I rarely am
And yet despite this, I don't think I want to change. Maybe it's just because I've grown used to it all, maybe it's a weird mental version of Stockholm syndrome or symbiotic relationship. Which, just by calling it that is a way of me normalizing it.
However, none of this changes anything. I am who I am.
I am James Robert Wright.