Maggie

i feel bad not coming on here for ages and then just moaning but tis more to get it out my system than anything else I guess!

anyways.... i feel sssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiittttttt!! ahh that feels beter already just had last 2 days off work went in on mon and tues feeling rough as a dog and literally only just made it thro the day, went in first thing yest as was supposed to b teaching - and literally got in to be sent home and stayed home again today just feel rubbish, feel like letting people down! today things have had to be cancelled- important things (assessment type stuff complicated to explain!) because i wasn't there and yest person who covered me apparently had a shit day... i just feel so guilty i hate letting people down. i pride myself on being able to be relied upon - i have a reputation for never being off how ive managed to progress as much as i have at work - only had 4 days off sick literally in the last 2 1/2 yrs and the only other time was with tonsilitis and that was absolutely hell! i should have had time off way before i did and stayed off a lot longer! we have teachers that take time off at the drop of a hat i just dont know how they do it! i had all intention of going in this morning even got up had shower, got dressed had brekkie etc but just couldnt see myself getting thro the day - not feeling as bad as most of the week but head is killing still got horrid throat and cough and muscles are aching big time! hate it! boo! but strangely my body is being very very odd! think its more tied up with psychological stuff stressing me out which make me feel even more worried and worse! i always feel very down when ill, but am feeling incredibly dissociated, to such and extent literally can hardly feel my body and as for walking straight haha! u must be joking! my mate was taking the micky out of me at work on mon as looked drunk walking down the corridors 'bouncing off the walls' which made me worried - always happens when feeling like this completely loose sense of my body - tis scary and i hate not feeling in control... to make it worse, the annoyong twiching that never did stop in my arm (yep image - constant twich for 3 yrs very very annoying!) has moved back into legs - hasnt been this bad since in therapy i hope it is just a temporary thing as is worrying but even if it is i know it is related a lot to how am feeling and if im feeling that stressed it is concerning in itself... ahhh!! i knew i was stressed but maybe am doing a good job of convincing myslef otherwise! but then again...

i've got soo much work to do at the mo i hate it this year i literally am trying to hold down a full time job with quite a bit of responsibility along with a full time degree - is stressing me out big time at the moment and really feel like im not on top of it all - hate feeling like im lagging behind and playing catch up, feeling inadequate, not good enough - thats what made me leave uni before and i cant run the risk of that happening again i just cant! this is my dream, what im meant to do and i cant loose it again but its so hard right now...my to do list is growing ever longer and nothing is being ticked off - i even am sat here when off work trying to catch up on uni work altho not being at all productive as then feleing guilty and as if i should just be at work ahhh!!!

i'm graduating on sat - only from my foundation degree but tis something i guess! i should be feeling excited and proud but so many emotions wrapped up in it i cannot untangle it all - i feel like crying and not stoppping - i feel like ive wasted so much time and should be teaching by now but in the same breath its a double whammy as i feel like crying as i never thought it was possible in the slightest when i fell ill that i would be back here and would be doing what im doing and getting a degree training to teach - on the one side i can see just how far ive come yet on the other it just doesnt feel enough and the very fact i got ill im using as a weapon against myself to show im incapable... such a fucked up mix of emotions!!

and on top of that got a letted from therapy last week to invite me to open discussion with staff and ex members about leaving and what the service could offer. i think it is such a valuable opportunity and important that my views are expressed as i know my leaving was very different to others i know - not in a good or bad way but a way which was appropriate to me ie i dont know anyone else who left therapy one week and started a new job the next - i guess thats an achievement huh? who would have thought i would still be working there yet grown so much as a person and in my job role ( already winding myself up about the fact ive gotta leave at the end of this yr to do my final yr of training ) oh hum.. so mixed up!! i wanna go yet im worried - worried more about see ex members i wanna go and be like fuck u look at how well im doing blah blah which is true i am doing well but still im struggling big time... this is potentially an opportunity to speak about the need for more follow up therapy in general (not for me but within the service) being so close to something but something i cannot reach or vbenefit from im fine and functioning but so much stuff in my life isnt right - i want a relationship yet because of the shit people put me thro im incapable of achiveing it - surely therapy is what i need but fessing up shows weakness.. shows im not coping blah blah blah

maybe its not suprising am feeling unwell ??? grrr! my boss is even saying im over worked which is worrying but i have soo much to do - i cant do it all tomorrow im just going to have to give in put my hands up and say am behind

xoxo