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Had an absolutely fab weekend - spent the whole weekend in the sun with mates drinking pear cider - yummy! Went to Kew Gardens yest - was amazing!

anyways, has absolutely shit day at work, don't get me wrong kiddies were fab as always and enjoyed being with him, but had enough of my colleagues - talking behind my back and making decisions about my work without consulting me leaving me incredibly hurt and inadequate at doing my job - almost in tears ahhhh! why are people so horrid

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grrrrrrr!!!!!!

am sat here almost in tears dont wanna go anymore i just cant the emotions are overwhelming i know this is probably why am feeling poorly this week - it is such a weird mix of emotions i just cant explain it - i hate it I dont know what's harder and more distressing the fact that i should have done this long ago and still got a way to go before qualified - at uni today actually felt like i was drowning under a sea of paperwork! or the fact that i never thought it was

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i feel bad not coming on here for ages and then just moaning but tis more to get it out my system than anything else I guess!

anyways.... i feel sssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiittttttt!! ahh that feels beter already just had last 2 days off work went in on mon and tues feeling rough as a dog and literally only just made it thro the day, went in first thing yest as was supposed to b teaching - and literally got in to be sent home and stayed home again today just feel rubbish, feel like letting

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only me...

sorry I haven't been around so much - back at work again *groan* , actually not really, loved it was down with the lil ones (5-7yr olds) teaching every morning this week, abolutely loved it - best week i have taught EVER! they were soo cute and i really really enjoyed their company - didn't get cross with them once and they had me in fits of giggles lots! teehee! made me think maybe i should be a lil more open minded about teaching down there more long term in terms of

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In a much better mood last couple of days! probably got A LOT to do with being on HOLIDAY for next 2 weeks whoop whoop!! monster term is finally over and can relax, well for the weekend at least before attempting to write 4 assignments! oops! enjoyed last few days at work too and got 3 displays up that am actually really really happy with - will take pics maybe... anyways, feeling brave enough to put some more of my poetry up, wrote the revisted ones a couple of weeks ago now...

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OMG!!!

How thick am I????

Just entered my bank details into a identity theft scam online, pretending to be the inland revenue saying i had a tax refund Am sooo STUPID!! LIterally shaking and feel sick. Phoned up the bank and lady said people can't steal my money but still worried, very worried... I give in, more shite to add to the pile and feel anxious about, still exhausted, even my muscles are aching now which is a sure sign i am beyond tired, going right

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haven't blogged in ages!! Dunno finding it hard to at the moment, I go to write on and then just don't know what to say, I think bit of it is not wanting to admit to things - I always feel when I share things here it always feels more real and thus heightens the feeling u know? I figure if I just try and ignore it it'll go away!

Am ok, I always am, it's just that doesn't mean I can't struggle, but then don't want to admit that as try so hard these days to stay on top on things and be

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Been meaning to write this blog entry for a few days but keep stopping myself!! Lol!

Anyways, was my birthday this weekend (am a leap yr baby so no exact date this yr sadly! lol!!) Can't believe I've made it to 26, time seems to have gone so quickly! Yes I know that's not old blah blah blah but that's not what I'm meaning - I can't believe it was 6 yrs ago this week I first admitted something was wrong/ started anti depressants and started self harming, 5 yrs ago I started therapy feeder

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Am trying to get up to date with uni work at the mo, more or less finished essay now altho needs polishing up and I need to write appendicies and do references but the main body is more or less sorted give or take -considering its version 10 it should be nearly there by now!! lol! Anyways, getting my eportfolio up to date now, done loads of forms and stuff, one of which got u to think about the 'thread' that ran through your life, found it quite therapeutic and inspiring to motivate me to get work

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eeeek!!
OK just a quick e-mail as need to get self sorted - not even dressed yet been sat at laptop alllll morning working! lol!
*Finally* my interview is upon me - only 2 months late!! Was feeling really positive about it - a chance to shine and show them what I'm made of, that this is were my passion lies, what I want to do for the rest of my life, where I belong but feeling just slightly nervous now - hardly slept last night worrying what I was going to wear of all things!! Hahaha!

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It's been ages since I last blogged, seem to have so much to do at the moment and running low on motivation so have been lurking. It's half term here now to have a week off work I have so much planned tho its going to whizz by - I have organised to meet up with people everyday which probably wasn't the wisest of things to do when I have a pile of work also to get done but nevermind, I need to get out and have fun! Am going round mates tomorrow for anti-valentines night which I'm looking forward

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GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's better This is like my only free day all week when not doing anything - was supposed to be doing uni work allday but have I? FAT CHANCE!!!!!!!! Started off really well - did reading on how to write literature review and stuff on nature nurture debate (zzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!) all before 10! (I actually started at 8 and was really proud of myself!) I went out to get some fresh air and stationary bits - they joy of having town centre on my

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I'm in the middle of doing reading for uni (zzzzzz!!!!) but thought I would share with u guys as keeps buzzing round my head...

I organised to meet up with my dad a few times over the xmas period, but it was cancelled twice because of the snow!! Finally met up with him and his wife on Saturday. He's recently moved from London back to Wales so he stayed over night in a hotel near where I live and we went out in the eve - me, sis, sis' bfriend, him and his wife... He arrived early and

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Well has been a looong week and so glad it's over and the weekend's here! handed in assignment yet - finally finished ir a 2am then had to be up at 6 for uni! oops! it's not the best but think'll pass, getting a good mark is debatable tho!! it's a hurdle in itself. Interview was cancelled which am a bit dissapointed about but at the same time its given me time to step back from it and have a lil talking to myself about how anxious i was getting - this is my dream, what I want to do what i always

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ok... So.... Blokey I was bogging about a while ago is kinda off the scene - after a couple of drunken texts on his part and me not responding due to complete ineptness he's kinda vanished - I actually didn't mind and made things simpler - didn't have to fess up to issues and could get on with living my life - result! Or so I thought til best man came back on he scene tonight.... Grrrrr!! Went out with mates for first time in like ages and he was there... Was a tad annoyed was kinda thrust on me

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Just to let u all know the stress was worth it and I did it Just got e-mail... My application has been considered and going to be called to interview... Whoop whoop!!!! yey!! Am so chuffed! Not til January but even to be called for interview is an achievement and one step closer to my dream becoming a reality... Tis soooo exciting! I want it so badly! Let's hope I can sell my strengths and not be a crumbling wreck at interview!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ahhh that feels better already! soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo stressed! sorted out interview stuff not too worried now - wot will b will b and am sure its better than people

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eeeeeekkkkk!!!!

Have emailed my application for next year, so no going back now - eek!! Am actually relieved! Just need to post hard copy tomorrow and then is out of my hands. I got 4 people to read it inc my mum, all said it was really good and they'll b mad to say no so I'm well chuffed was a bit of a confidence boost in the end!

I've registered and ordered gown/ photos for graduation today too... Eeek!!!! Scary stuff! Am excited but I have a feeling it may be a tad

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OK so after doing bugger all work yest I have lots to do... Need to feel positive about it otherwise will never get it done, especially as its looking v unlikely we'll have another snowday tomorrow unless lots more snow falls today *snow dance, snow dance* spent a lot of time chatting last night really helped put me in a better frame of mind so thanx u know who u are! yey! anyways..... so the plan is to write a to do list and actually get it done today and achieve something! its 8.15am and

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just a quick one,

trying to fill in application for next yr still... done all the easy bits like personal details and jobs (altho thats hard enough trying to make it look like am more experienced than i am!) but trying to write personal statement... a work colleague even wrote me a spider diagram today of what to put in it.. a whole side of a4 full of my good qualities and i still cant focus and get anything written.. ive got proper butterflies in my stomach, feeling really nervous...

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so, the work has begun.. no more messing around on the computer allday been sorting out and organising uni stuff this morning.. theres so much im going to have to do dont know how im going to fit it all in alongside my increasing responsibilities at work!! am sure will find a way somehow tho... here's hoping! am going to really try and not stress myself out over it this yr as it ended up being rather counter productive and my work was of a far better standard when i wasnt stressing! just been

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started uni today, only induction day so no work, just lots of being talked at and going to rooms I'll never remember where they are and being bombarded with information and paperwork! Just slightly overwhelming! Just glad I already ad friends from last2 yrs at college which took away 1 anxiety! I thought I was doing a good job of cool, calm and collected, which i was until i completely switched off from what was being said as totally overwhelmed and suddenly realised i had no sense of direction

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still feeling out of sorts... tis strange... spending my evenings literally just sat at the computer to stop myself from thinking about stuff too much and generally a bit of a hibernating grumpy cow, but my days at work are fab... had such a good week with the kiddies and really enjoyed teaching them...i get such satisfaction and self worth when i can see the enjoyment on children's faces when they are learning, that eagerness and captivation... it really is magic and i love instilling that in kids,

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I wanted to write a blog and now gone all shy and embarrased!! lol, thats a first!

I cant explain what I want to say, or more like don't want to admit to it..grrr!! These days am doing soo good and am loving my life I've built up for myself I really am! Yes I wish it would move quicker and fast forward a couple of years and take me to where I really want to be but I know thats an impossibility outside my power unless I could somehow build a time machine! But, there's still this bit

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where the cows go bong,
and the monkeys all say boo!!

that's my favourite spike millian poem ever! did it with the kiddies last yr and they made up their own nonsense poems.. they were fab!

anyway... just want to start a blog up! nothing much to say at the moment... sat here fiddling on here rather than cooking teas and making lunch for tomorrow, having a shower and ironing clothes for tomorrow... but shh!! this place is far more exciting than any of that... lol!

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