Martin

Well, after a fantastic weekend I hit the opposite spectrum today. Left work on my break, drove home and pulled out a knife to slit my wrists and end it all. In the end I stopped my self, throwing the knife away in anger as I really do want to live. I just became overwhelmed emotionally again. Stuff going on at work making it stressful to be there, then yesterday after having almost two days of feeling no anxiety or lightheadedness, that's a biproduct of my anxiety, near the end of the workday I got hit with such a dizzy spell I thought for a moment I would pass out. Haven't had it that strong since this all started some four years ago. Then I woke up at 1:15am unable to sleep, wrote in my journal some of my thoughts as I seem to be having trouble with my memory not sure if it's stress/anxiety related or my meds. I guess it all just over-consumed me and I just wanted out. Not to die, but I am just tired of fighting the fight. Fighting and struggling with anxiety and depression. I called my wife and met up with her. Cried in her arms in sadness and frustration. Talked to my therapist and psychiatrist on the phone all three encouraging me to go back to work, but I just couldn't. I feel better now, not suicidal but tired, worn out and a bit down. So frustrating to go from feeling so great three days ago to feeling so down I wanted to end it all. Part of me feels like I just want to be "normal", where I was before all this started many years ago. But I guess I need to start rethinking it as I may be this way the rest of my life.