Robyn

I felt good for a couple of weeks. There was A guy. Yes, a guy. The first one out ofalong line who made me feel worth something. I think I fell for him.

This weekend it all went wrong. I can't stop crying. These past few weeks of not having any depressive eppisodes has caught up on me. I miss him.

On Saturday morning I woke up to a text from him saying "oh robyn I've done somthing terrible" my mind was racing with possible ideas.... Spent the money he earned to see me this weekend? Slept with someone else? Killed someone? I texted back "omg I'm really worried what did u do? Tb asap"... I waited and waited. I had to go to work and run the shop all day. Finally an hour and a half later I revived the text "I told hannah to go die and i think she did". Hannah was his ex. Of a year and a half. She was only 15.

I think it was mostly instinctive. But at that moment I knew it was over. I mean his ex had just died he wouldn't want a relationship now?! I was over come by an explosion of emotions. I was angrey: I was the depresive... But I hadn't killed myself! She took him away from me! Compleate concussion I didn't know what was happening! Guilt for being angrey with hannah. Upset ben hadn't added more information in his texts. I tried to call him twice and no pick up. I burst into floods of tears (at work) I franticly tried to call my friends to speak to someone. Eventually I wept down the phone to one of my friends. It may seem like an over reaction but a dam had broken. I hadn't cried in weeks and my world had tumbled down.

It was a horrid day. A couple of texts were exchanged but I couldn't find out what was happening. He wouldn't pick up his phone or when he did something would happen that meant we had to put the phone down. I was reaching boiling point. I shut the shop at least 3 times to try and speak to him. Eventually we began to have a text conversation. But my temper exploded. I was so angrey and we had a huge fight. He ended it. I cried all afternoon. Poped to the loo n wept, I looked a mess. I burst into tears 3 times in front of customers.

Ben hadn't sexually abused me, or bullied me. He complimented me, chat to me often and seemed really keen to see me. That night we tried to set things right but it failed and it ended again. Sunday I missed him so much I had cried n cried and I tried to sort it. We made some progress but something had changed. Today I wrote a long text with the reasons it would b best if we didn't carry on. He said... Ok, will b better in the long run. Can we still b friends? I wrote.. U just given up. I've waisted so many weeks on you. I'm just hurting. I needed him. I had started to hope. But not at one point this weekend has he fought for me. N he replied "it's all about you so one track minded I give up". I wrote "thanks for nothing".

I just want to die. It's not all because of him. It's partly because of the endless hurt. It never ends. He gave up on me. I've had a suicide plan for the last 3 years.

I've promisedmyself if I still feel like this by sunday I will kill myself. This pain isn't new. I've lived with it forever and I want to be brave and Finish this.

Ben gave up on me. My heart is broken. I don't have the strength to fight against my depression. I just want to die.

I just want ben or die