SecretSchizoid

At a young age I realized I was not normal and that I didn't fit in with anyone else. Over the years I learned to watch other people and to mimic their behavior. Normal people might find this weird, but for me when to laugh, when to smile, when to frown, when to cry, when to and how to display emotions of any type was a learned behavior. The emotions I show is what I think is the appropriate emotion to show is based on watching other people in similiar past situations. This has been a long learning process to perfect, but I am pretty damn convincing now a days. I remember when I was about 7 or 8 my mother told me my grandma had died. I laughed. That's right I laughed when my mom told me my grandma had just died, and I did not dislike my grandma or anything like that. I simply hadn't learned the correct emotion to display yet.

Oh I have gotten good at faking emotions and reactions. Everything such as moving my eyes up, down, left, or right and tons of facial expressions and movement of the lips, nose, is is a big fat act. My real facial expression is blank like a zombie at all times in all situations without my acting.

Tip to other Szhizoids reading this... Chew gum! seriously... My natural blank yet slightly depressed looking face can be tiring to manipulate sometimes. It takes me a long time to wake up in the morning and I find that is a perfect time to chew gum to make my face more natural looking without much effort. As long as I am chewing gum and not directly interacting face to face with another person chewing gum loosens up my face enough that I don't need to think about my expressions I can just ignore it and not have to worry about someone asking me what's wrong or why am I so sad. That's something I hate, if I am not chewing gum or putting on a fake face people I don't even know will stop on the street to ask me what is wrong. I fucking hate that. My natural face make people think something is wrong, such as someone just died. Don't confuse this with me being ugly or something, actually I think my looks are above average and girls think I look good.

My mind has brought me back to when my grandma died and the funeral. I have since been to many funerals and know how to behave, but it was truly shocking how people behave at funerals. When I went to my first funeral (I'm using wake and funeral interchangably here) I expected everyone to be sad and crying. But that is not what happened. I was fake crying and seeing other people joking and laughing like they were at a party and then coming to me to console me because I was taking it so hard, even though the truth was I could not care less that she was dead. Again I didn't dislike her, but the concept of love is foreign and I didn't care if she was alive or dead. Actually dead was better if anything because it was one less family member to bug me and ask me personal questions, but I digress.

The behavior of people at wakes/funerals is puzzling, and frankly it's rather disgusting if I can be disgusted. People treat funerals as reason to party. Heck I think people actually have fun at funerals, it's fucked up. Anyway, I can not appropriately act like a normal person at a funeral. I prefer the joking and lighheartness of funerals to my past idea of crying funerals because it is much easier for me to pretend to laugh and joke than it is for me to pretend to cry or be sad.