storky

I tell my therapist it is ok that he is gone, with my schedule it is impossible to reschedule. Lies. He says, just so you know, I have some time on Monday to see clients...I will probably get a sub job is my reply. Probably to X (I won't name the awful community center I always get called to, in case someone connected to there would read this). I rather hate that community center. Conversation changed and deflected.
And now? It's Monday. It's a holiday? Uh-huh. whatever.

I was ...

The past couple days have been severe peaks and valleys. All the sudden I feel like crap and then I'm just fine and then I feel like crap. I think that means I am coming out of my low. It's kinda scary though, because I never really know what is coming next.

However, I joined a small group at church, and I am so happy that it is a group full of writers! I hope to make some friends here... I so desperately need friends local to my new home. *sigh.
And tomorrow I go to see my ...

What do you do when your Therapist says, I'll be gone for a week? That means 2 weeks without anything... Is it sad that that once a week appt. is keeping me sane? Then again, I am tight on money this month so, I guess it's ok. Like I have a choice. Missing that one appt. might keep me from going under this month - financially that is.
On the other hand. What if something happens? I don't really have too many people in reallife I can rely on. *sigh.
I guess I'll find my way. I'm feeling ...

I don't have much time, just about 10 minutes until I go to work. I've put off calling and talking to someone, and so now it is too late. Damn timezones and all that. I work until probably 9 my time anyway, so it's not like that even matters. But even if I could pick up the phone and call what would I say that I haven't said a thousand times before? I just feel like... (fill in your favorite expletive here) It makes one feel so needy. And I don't want to be annoying to anyone, most of all my friends...

...

Had my session with my counselor yesterday.

He told me that he saw my options as basically three different things...none of which I feel like I can even begin to do...And so, I feel more stuck, more frustrated than ever.

First he tells me the usual stuff about medication and seeing a doctor and seeing a psychiatrist. I sorta expected that. I can't do this. I have little money. No insurance. No connections. Oh, and I am still trying to hide my depression from my sister, ...

I passed a really awful weekend. Mostly trying to sort out feelings left over from Thursday's odd session with my therapist. I like him. We just don't know each other very well yet and it is tough for me to know when I am communicating well and when I am not.

However, this morning I feel better. I don't know why or how (though I wish I did so that I could repeat it the next time I feel like crap) but I feel like I could actually get things done today.

I am afraid that ...

So I went to the counselor Thursday.
My appointment is at 10:00. I show up about 9:55 in his claustrophobic little waiting room. (A square room with white walls, grey carpet with a repetitive pattern in it and four wooden chairs.)
The sign next to the door of his office has his little placard which has his name on it and the words "in session". That doesn't mean that he's in there, because sometimes I've come in and that sign is there, and he appears from the door leading ...

Still feeling sorta down. A little better, so I'll take that victory and cling to it for awhile...

I was thinking about what other people were saying in the off-topic forum about plans for when you feel like crap and how to react. It sorta makes me feel homesick really.

When I was in college (in my undergrad years that is) I did have a plan. I had a list of people I could call when I needed something. I had things that I could do that would help me cope until I could ...

It's 1:30 and I finally roused myself out of bed to eat some food. *sigh. The down mood continues and then is compounded by a migraine. I called in sick to work. The 30 minute car ride just didn't appeal to me. And, I can't chase kids when I can't stand on my feet for more than five minutes without feeling woosy...

But, it is in times like these that I feel very scared and alone. I keep remembering the two-weeklong fever I had last fall and every time I get a nasty headache, I ...

Right now, in the craziness of the season, I am struck by a wave of doubt... why did I move across the country? Why did I go to grad school? Why did I think I would be good a teaching? Why did I think I could get a job and be successful? Why did I think I'd be happy? Who am I really and is this what I want? If it's not, then do I have the energy to concoct a new scheme and set up shop somewhere else?
Ugh.

All this spiraled from not being able to register for classes next quarter ...

I made it through breakfast - yogurt and some tea. Hey, but I ate something... Wow, what am I reduced to?

However, last night at church there was a sermon on loneliness. Perfect timing. (Look up Psalm 142 - it's probably the best description of loneliness in the Bible)

I discovered something interesting though.

I think I am lonely/depressed because I choose to be.

Try that one on for size.

If truth is supposed to set me free, ...

I don't entirely know the origin of this idiom. I do however know its reality.
What does it mean to make ends meet?

In my life right now it means working 4 part-time jobs, going to school, going to a counselor, suffering through bouts of depression which in a way are caused by the stress of the other things.... and what does it all mean? Does it mean that in making ends meet I am able to somehow survive? Is survival enough?

I used to think it was "make ends ...

I keep telling myself that. It isn't like me to wait until the last moment to do my hw. It isn't like me to do all I can to sabotage myself. I hate myself sometimes. I was up til 1:00 working on hw that was due at 12 and then made excuses for myself to my prof. I feel like an idiot. I don't even know if she'll accept late work. Darn on-line class. Who thought that was a good idea? Err... I've been consistently late to work. Consistently lethargic. I desperately need someone in person to talk to, ...

I'm working on this theory that whatever song is stuck in your head, probably is stuck there because of what else is going through your subconscious. So, apparently I feel like a pirate... at least I did yesterday, because I got the Pirates song in my head (yo ho ho, you know what I mean) and couldn't get rid of it. It almost makes sense. The cat has fleas, btw, which is why she's been acting nutty. Indoor cat. Go figure. So, I feel dirty. ANd, I've been begging money from everyone, which feels ...

I was doing homework yesterday (like I should be now, right?) and I was listening to the internet radio. I have been trying to wean myself off of really vulgar and angsty hard rock. It hasn't been very good for my mood - imagine that! So, I was listening to Christian rock (same sound, better message) and I heard this song... and it was like God himself was speaking to me. yes. this is me. this is what I wanted to say to my counselor the other day but couldn't. It isn't about being strong - which ...

Depression is a lot like a rollercoaster ride... probably more like a kiddie ride compared to what bi-polar is like (?) but nonetheless... it seems to sneak up on you slowly... You see that damned depressive mood coming around the corner, and you think that you can handle it. You think that you can escape it this time. You think that just maybe you're seeing things... And then you wake up one morning and yup. Here you are again. That depressive hellhole. A rollercoaster in the dark. no neon lights. ...

I just discovered this blog. I'm a little slow I guess. I didn't realize everyone had their own. What a blessing...

So, for my first entry, I would like to introduce myself, my situation and perhaps end with some song lyrics that I just thought about all day yesterday during a really low day and it seemed to help.

I have been suffering from depression all my life really. I've never been officially diagnosed, ok, but I am not stupid. I have been fed all sorts of stories

...