Ramblings

Hello readers...

It's amazing how much a good nights sleep effects your mental well being isn't it? Unfortunately however this little insight hasn't come from a personal experience, more a lack of.

Last night was yet another night where I decided not to take the Ativan prescribed to me for sleep and anxiety issues. Sometimes this doesn't really matter at all, other times it makes an enormous difference. Really, when I think about it a bit more, I generally sleep around 8hours which is quite decent. However I always feel like I've only had half that and will often feel incredibly tired throughout the day.

Back to the point.

Last night was spent quite well, I was out of my room for a start as my paranoia seems to be dying down a little. I spent my time watching TV, a novelty not often enjoyed as I generally don't feel safe outside my room or away from my computer. Though I spend alot of my time on my computer I wouldn't call it an "addiction" rather more a symptom of my mental state. It is the need to be connected to people and yet be entirely disconnected at the same time, it helps me feel safe.

AGAIN...back to the point....I tend to ramble on

So I watched TV for a while and retired to my room, feeling well fed (I don't eat very often) and relaxed. It was 10pm and I knew it would be impossible for me to sleep so I decided to sit up a bit longer, maybe read a little...this is where tiredness was replaced by energy, as if someone had injected me with a large amount of Caffeine!

It was 6am until I was able to get to sleep, laying in bed tossing and turning, then getting up and trying to occupy my mind for a while, only to return to tossing and turning in bed. When the time my body decided to sleep eventually rolled around, I was almost instantly unconscious. My mind went through a vast array of incredibly vivid and bizarre dreams, some of which seemed designed to tease me, hitting little emotional nerve points. This of course is quite a regular occurrence when I'm off meds, I still remember times where I would wake up holding my breath, or for the more extreme, biting on my tongue and cheeks, in an effort to wake myself from dreams that seem to be designed as if to be the mental equivalent of The Simpons' character Nelson Muntz and his "HA HA!".

I awoke first at roughly 8:45, this was more from my body trying to wake me from this tormenting dreams. Still there is little doubt in my mind that the occurrence of these dreams is due to lack of sleep (see I was going to get to the point eventually). After about half an hour I eventually gained steady sleep, only to be woken at around 10:15 by my house mate recording guitar. This instantly infuriated me and I had to spend some time passing in my bedroom before I walked out. Thought it may seem like a strange thing to be doing in the morning I must point out that my house mate and I play in a band together and are currently working on a recording EP, so it was perfectly fine for him to be playing/recording at this time and in fact quite a good thing as we need to get certain parts out of the way soon.

The point, ladies & gentleman, is that I know already today will be a difficult day. I'm exhausted yet I know there is no way to gain more sleep and it's probably best I don't sleep through the day anyway. Already I can feel the paranoia, even though my house mate and I haven't spoken I already feel as if he's mad at me for telling him to shut up...only problem is I never told him to shut up and only thought it.

It's a very confusing state to be in and I find confusion seems to fuel aggression, human contact becomes exceedingly difficult and I tend to take this out on the person I'm talking to rather than any more healthy option.

Anyway, let's see what today brings, I will try to minimize the damage best I can as is the standard protocol for such days.

Twiggy out!