Ramblings

Hello to all my readers (if there are any)

It's been a while since my last little blog entry and as I recall there were some extreme issues going on then...

Well it's been a bit of a roller-coaster ride since then, for a while there was actually quite a good period of stability and I suppose you could even say happiness as my meds started to settle in and do their work. I've been back working for my dad again and had the band up and running, everything seemed to be going oh so well.

I guess that's the problem when you have a mental illness...you never know when things are going to go downhill. After a few months (probably only 2) of complete stability, general happiness/contentedness and zero psychotic symptoms such as paranoia I began setting my sights high. The plans have been somewhat simple though, organising shows for my band, mini tours here and there, saving up some money and during this time my psychiatrist turned me on to a new medication, Topamax, to help control my incredible appetite (thanks to my Seroquel). Exactly when things started going downhill I guess is hard to say. I took a trip down to Brisbane to see some old friends and a few gigs, basically let my hair down...party a little but I feel I made a horrible mistake during this time.

Since I've been on medication I've been very compliant in terms of drinking, if you ignore the initial stages when I was just shitty that "I can't believe this has happened to me" and drugs. There have been a few occasions where I've given in to smoking a little bit of pot here and there but I hardly ever (and I rarely have over the past 2 years) as I generally just get paranoid/anxious and spend the next 2-4 days depressed. However, these rare moments I throw caution to the wind and partake in a little smoke for old times sake I generally only have a puff or two and realise that the depressed episode will subside after 2-4 days.

I'm trailing off again...

So I'm down in Brisbane and hanging out with some of my oldest and closest friends (most of them have moved there) and the opportunity arose to smoke up...well seeing as though I miss the old times and it was with good friends I decided "sure why not" and actually had a good time for the first time in 2 years lol. It was a good week and I came back home feeling tired but generally still on top of things........Then my Topamax dose increased...one tablet in the morning as well as the one I was already taking at night.

It's hard to say which of the two is to blame so I'm going with a combination, after a week of feeling a bit left of center but generally alright I started to slip into paranoia and began to have brief auditory hallucinations...just a girls voice whispering my name or short phrases/sentences. This lasted about a week...and then the depression set in. A group of friends from Rockhampton (about 4 hours away) had come up to see a band one Sunday and we all caught up at my place, it was quite and excellent weekend...but nearly an hour or two after they left I found myself gripped by a most extreme of sadness's.

Though I've never really mentioned it to my psychiatrist/nurse/GP etc, I sometimes experience periods where I will just burst into tears. Not necessarily due to sadness but some form of overwhelming emotion (ANY emotion). This can last for less than a minute or up to 5 minutes. On this Sunday I burst out crying...and it didn't seem to stop for hours, quite easily 3...possibly 4. I just sat there in my room blubbering as if some unspeakable atrocity had taken place, however I couldn't think of any trigger for my sudden outburst other than the TV show I was watching (which hardly seemed powerful enough to destroy 1/6 of my day).

At this point I found it hard to sleep...for the next 3 days I think I managed about 5 hours sporadic shut eye. Then came the intense sedation (something new). After consulting my mental health nurse and GP they advised to ween myself off the Topamax, by the time I'm off it I'll be seeing my psychiatrist again as I'm only able to get appointments with him once every 2-3 months (our towns mental health system is awful). Only tonight am I feeling well enough to even move around the house.

It's an odd form of "depression" that I'm only somewhat use to...you could almost describe it as anhedonia. Everything in life seemed pointless, I wanted to retreat from the world but not because I couldn't handle it (though that is partly true), it was because I had no connection to the world at all. It's feeling like a lifeless husk, you spend hours feeling blank as if your mind and soul has slowed to a complete halt. All there is to do is lay on the couch staring at the TV as an entire day goes by...did I sleep? Where did the hours go? This zombie state is of course broken every few hours by pain...intense, crippling sadness. Akathesia...you don't feel comfortable in your own skin.

The "depression epiphanies" set in...your inner voice that shoots down all the work you've done "yes people with a mental illness can be successful, but you're just going to be another statistic that goes through life trying to have your little piss weak victories in your piss weak town"...."you'll never achieve what you want"...."there isn't anything special about you, you're just another face in the crowd"....."listen to how fucking selfish you are"...."you're never going to get her back"....."you're not a musician, you're just some long haired fuckwit with a big mouth"...."there's no point, no matter how hard you work at it you won't achieve anything meaningful"

I could go on but I'm sure you all understand

So that's where I've found myself all weekend...laying on the couch...ignoring my friends....not really eating until a few hours ago. I guess I should look on the bright side...I've been able to get up and move around, cook some dinner, even get creative enough to write this entry tonight...therefor the weening off the Topamax must be working...I dunno though..it's hard to see the light when you're covered in shit.

I'm starting to get aggravated at myself.....my memory is absolutely horrible..as if I were drunk...and I can't remember the "REALLY IMPORTANT" thing I was about to write....

I'll quit while I'm ahead I think

love,

twiggy