I tend to go through ups and downs, like most people, with some of those downs being quite long.

I'm going through a different kind of down at the moment. It's a lingering one that likes to hide itself away most of the time until I'm alone, or stressed, or emotionally run down.

It started when a friend died. That triggered a whole lot of new feelings for me, and I spiralled into a bit of a confused time, swinging between grief and guilt and just feeling plain numb or going into total denial. Things settled but something was planted that I haven't been able to shake.

Then my house mate moved out. I lost the only reason to live here. She was laughter, good food, music, support, inspiration. She was my little light here and now it's gone and it's all dark. This house isn't my home. I don't want to be here any more. It just makes me sadder and sadder each time I come home and she's not here.

I'm skipping classes because I don't feel like going. I didn't even bother going to work the other day and almost got myself fired. Numbed myself on painkillers and alcohol and then couldn't hang out with my friends.

I'm not doing so well.