Feeling like a diagnosis will never diagnose me

[ariski]

I can't be bothered with a different post for introductions. I just wanted a place to write, share my experiences with depression and thoughts and see if anyone could relate, had tips or advice or just found a bit of comfort in sharing the same problems or thoughts as I. However, seeing as I don't know how forums really work, any questions asked, will be answered.

The thing about my mental illness is I don't feel like I'll ever fully be diagnosed with whatever consumes me. I didn't realize I was dealing with depression until I sought out help, but still the word doesnt do much of anything for me. I feel as if there is something about who I am, that infects me. The word depression just feels a bit like I'm being told I have contracted a virus that lies dormant until it chooses to show itself. But, I feel like there is something wrong with who I am, that makes me feel the way that I do.

Before I begin any rant about myself I must point out that there is one thing about me that I can't seem to change. I can't view myself, myself. Ha. It's like I am a completely different person who see's the things that I do, the things that happen to me. I can't see my own self worth, that's for sure. But besides that, for example; as a kid when I would be receiving punishment for something I had done or being given a speech about how disappointed someone was in me, I told myself "these are just words, they don't really matter" as if I could step outside of my body and not let anything get through to me. It's like it anything that happened, didn't matter to me because it wouldn't matter one day. I find this to be a ritual extremely repetitive in my life. It's also very confusing to me, like I can't figure myself out because while at times I can just push a reality away from me, other times I bring all the things I pushed away back at once like a recognition of what a horrible person I am, like I'm self manifesting hate from other people.

I was wondering if anyone feels that same way? That nothing matters, because one day it won't matter? Anyone else understand that?

I'm not that way about every single thing in my life, but many things I am.

Suppose you could say I am very insightful about life and very self aware, but still completely confused about the 'why'. I'm a walking contradiction and a mess. Anyone else?

[pinkpanther]

Depression happens to a lot of people all the time. All we need during this moment in our life is someone whom we can talk to. I know how hard it is to keep everything to ourselves. We may not realize it but this tends to pile up within our system and swallows us whole. I can see that you may act cool whenever you receive awful comments from other people and even criticisms. I have the same experience and up to now, I don't even bother saying something to defend myself. But when I am really really depress, those pile of negative criticisms and remarks gets into my head which causes me to feel worthless and horrible.

I confess that I am the type of person who thinks a lot. At times, I can't even understand myself or why I'm doing this and that. I think that maybe I don't really know myself and that sucks right? Well I guess that I have to keep on getting to know myself bit by bit and to be much more vocal about what I want and what I think. I mean I'll do this bit by bit because I am not a big fan of change. But I guess it is worth the try.

For us who are suffering from depression, I guess we should all help each other to voice out our thoughts and feelings. Give advice to each other and not to completely depend on those pills.

[ariski]

I agree with you that one of the best things when dealing with depression can be to have someone to vent to. I find it difficult though to open up completely for fear of being misunderstood when I myself don't understand what it is I feel half the time. It can be so hard to explain things you don't understand. There's really no way to explain that you just feel like nothing matters, and sometimes for me at least it feels as if my depression can be caught. I don't want to push off my negative thoughts and cause someone else to deal with the same pain that I do.

[pinkpanther]

Yup. I do understand how hard it is to tell someone how you feel. I have a lot of friends and I can say that I am the funny one in the group. I hate being judged by other people that is why I tend to keep everything to myself. That is why this kind of forums helps me a lot. I can very well explain my thoughts and feelings without fear of being judged. Most of all, I have found some people who can relate to me.

[AnxiouslyWaiting]

I don't think anyone can be fully 'diagnosed' because a condition of the mind is much more complex and illusive than a condition of the body. I think there are similarities between people that allow for doctors and therapists to form some conclusions and provide advice based on previous experiences but in the end you are YOU. Luckily I have had the privilege of working with a therapist that was able to let me vent without making me feel uncomfortable or like I was being judged. She was also able to nail certain thought patterns that I have that made me understand and avoid future situations where I was walking down the same path. I was barely able to get a word out about how I felt when I first started therapy and now my throat usually hurts from all of the talking during my sessions. Have you tried multiple therapists? Sometimes it takes time to find the right person, but when you do it is quite rewarding. In the interim, I am sure that you have many peers on these forums that understand what you are going through so please keep the posts coming!