What to do? What to do?

[CSF2368]

I'm new to forums, so bear with me (and sorry if I ramble)...

I'll start off with a little bit of background information. For the last five and a half years, I've had stubborn-as-a-mule treatment-resistant depression. During that time, I would say I had a cumulative six months when I was symptom free for the most part, functioning to the highest of my capabilities, content with where I was and optimistic about where I was going.

The rest of the time has been absolutely miserable.

My problems started in the fall of 2005 when I was a junior at boarding school. Initially, it was nothing major, just feeling a little sad once in a while. Before I knew it, a little sad once in a while evolved into very depressed on a daily basis. So, I went to the school psychiatrist and he put me on Lexapro. Instead of improving, I got worse. I had to leave school and return home to see a psychopharmacologist.

After a long conversation during our first appointment, the psychopharmacologist diagnosed me as having Bipolar Disorder Type II (a diagnose that has been revised since). He promptly put me on Lithium and Depakote and soon I was taking 1,000mg of each, which was ineffective and left me barely awake for most of the day. Over the next two and half months, I gained roughly 70lbs, going from about 170lbs to 240lbs. At this point, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism (caused by the Lithium) and ended up switching doctors.

With psychiatrist #2, I was put on Lamictal, Abilify and Wellbutrin. These didn't help much. I returned to boarding school, where I struggled socially and immensely academically. I ended up having Klonopin and Lorazepam added to my medications to help with anxiety and Ambien to help me sleep.

The summer before my senior year of high school, I stopped taking everything cold turkey and felt a lot better and a lot more optimistic about my senior year. I ended up back on a low-dose of Lamictal. My senior fall went very well. I was fitting in socially, kicking ass academically and wasn't having any problems sleeping.

The spring began and things started to dip. I started having insomnia, sometimes not sleeping for a day or two and then sleeping a ton. Nonetheless, I managed to keep doing well academically and finished the year pretty strong.

I began college in the fall of 2008, feeling optimistic about the next four years, sure that things would get better. I started off having a lot of fun, partying (maybe a little too much in hindsight). I was making a lot friends. I was playing hockey on the school's club team. I got into one of the best fraternities. Things were really looking up.

Then, I got a concussion playing hockey and things just seemed to start to fall apart. I was having a REALLY hard time sleeping. I was anxious all the time. I was increasingly depressed.

Eventually, I was the most depressed I'd ever been. I went home and was hospitalized per recommendation from my doctor. In the coming months, I was hospitalized two more times. I got put on a slew of medications: Seroquel, Trileptal, Remeron, Geodon, the Emsam Patch, Effexor, Cymbalta, Neurontin. Nothing worked. I ended up getting 10 rounds of ECT, which didn't work either.

Luckily, I ended up finding a combination of medicines that worked (Geodon, Abilify, Xanax, Dexedrine, Lunesta). Then in the fall of 2009, I enrolled in a nearby university. I took three classes and had a 4.0GPA for the semester. I returned to my previous college in the spring of 2010. Things went well for about a month, but after that my medications became less and less effective. I managed to stay on top of my academics (3.9GPA for the semester) and got some short stories published in the school literary magazine, but was very isolated and unhappy.

I went home for the summer and things got worse and worse. This past fall (fall 2010), I enrolled again in the same nearby university. I went to class for about a month, but really struggled to keep up. I couldn't do most of the readings. I couldn't concentrate in class or when I was doing work for class at home. I felt worse and worse all the time. Eventually, I had to drop out.

Since then, things haven't gotten better. I'm living at home and not in school right now--I just can't handle the work mentally and don't think I could get myself to class consistently. Most nights, I can't fall asleep until past 4am and can't get out of bed until the early afternoon. In terms of meds, I'm taking oxycodone right now and it's not helping very much (although my doctor says I'm on a low dose and we're working to increase it).

I'm trying to stay optimistic, positive and be proactive (I quit smoking 3 months ago, started eating healthier and started going to the gym where I run for 45mins to a hour and lift weights 2 months ago) but I just feel like I'm wasting my time and there's no point to any of this and that I'm never going to get better. I’ve been on nearly every type of antidepressant that exists [3 SSRIs (Lexapro, Paxil, Zoloft), 2 SNRIs (Cymbalta, Effexor),1 NaSSA (Remeron),1 NRI (Strattera),1 NDRI (Wellbutrin),1 TCA (Anafranil) and 2 MAOI (Nardil, Emsam Patch)] and NONE of them have helped for an extended period of time. I’ve also been on a bunch of mood stabilizers, neuroleptics, anti-anxiety medications and sleep-aids and had ECT, none of which have helped.

I don’t know…nowadays, I feel dead inside, like a zombie. I can’t sleep at night and can’t function during the day. I‘m lonely, but I don’t like being around people. I’m sick of feeling like a burden/source of shame to my family. I don’t see myself getting better anytime in the near future.

I am just at a complete and utter loss as to what to do for the first time ever, something that leaves me feeling horrible and hopeless and helpless.

[pinkpanther]

Never ever give up. You have to help yourself to be able to go on with life. Look for new activities or hobbies that interests you. But you have to consider your limitations. It seems like you can't handle too much stress that is why you have to set your boundaries. I understand that you don't want to be around with other people. You can start little by little by having few acquaintances. Pills do help but cannot cure you completely. You have your family with you and they are the best support system you can have. You may think that you've been a burden to them but come to think of it, they care for you that is why they are trying their best to help you with your condition.

Isn't it nicer if they can see you doing your best to be able to be better? I believe that you can do it. You just have to believe in yourself.

[dreamland]

It sounds like it is a combination of thing that is taking its toll on you. It sounds like your trying your best to get life started, but the stress is too much. But your clearly a smart person, and even with all that was going on under the surface you pulling in grades. You shouldn’t waste that, although you should not smother it either, I’d suggest perhaps taking up evening classes, you give yourself some type of routine, but also to give yourself some mental simulation. It sounds like you have tried more then you can handle when it comes to the pills, maybe try something else? Talking to someone, I’d understand if you didn’t want to talk to you family members, it really is quite hard to do, especially since you fell like a burden. Which is defiantly not the case, but our feelings are our feelings, and it’s hard to look past them, so speck to a councillor/therapist? Keep writing, short stories, anything, I find it can really help to keep creative.
Keep us posted on what you plan to do
o x o

[CSF2368]

Thanks dreamland.

I do have a psychologist I see once a week and talk with, which helps a lot.

I have been writing a little bit lately and (to my surprise) I've been reading a lot (which is usually really tiring/draining). Along with that, I've been exercising a good amount because it helps alleviate some depressive symptoms.

[AnxiouslyWaiting]

I agree with dreamland that keeping regular hobbies are a great way to stay motivated - even having the smallest thing to look forward to is sometimes enough. I have been through many ups and downs throughout my battle with depression and anxiety but the one thing I always say to myself is "I have been happy before" and this does ring true in your case. The fact that you have been in a place where you felt great about yourself is a true testament to the real you. You just need to try and remember how you were able to get yourself there.

[marlin]

Problems are the part of the life and everyone will have to share these kinds of the problem's... Be brave while facing those problem's and choose the best one way to solve the problems...... Don't give up buddy... Best of luck for future....