Need someone to understand.

[HoLlY12]

I need someone to help me,someone who understands how I really feel...
I've tried talking to my mum but she doesn't understand and I'm to scared to go to a doctor.. I'm 16 years old and hate my life,I dropped out of school almost 2 years ago now because I was having problems with bullying. Since leaving primary i've been to 3 different high schools and my lifes been like hell through all of them,I could never understand why people hated me so much,it was like no matter what I did or how much I tried,none of them cared. I was never physically bullied (well not majorly anyways) it was always mentally,they'd call me all sorts of different names over and over again. Every week when we had a assembly the head would say about bullying and how if anyone was being bullied they should go straight to their head of year.

So I did and guess where that got me.. Nowhere
"Oh sure Holly,I'll talk to them" Thats what she would say "Are you sure your not the one causing the problems?"
I was never the clever kid or the dumb kid,never the trouble maker or the teachers pet, I was just kinda there y'know? The kid that kept herself to herself and that was it. I organised countless get togethers with some of them,one year I invited about 6 round my house for my sisters birthday party.. No one turned up and their excuses where that they all forgot!
So cut a long story short,I dropped out. Thought it was gonna change my life but to be honest it's made it worse,I sit at home almost 24/7 not talking at anybody or seeing anybody my age. I'm lucky to have a good family but lately I'm beginning to hate them.. I know that sounds so awful. My sister is everything I wasn't,she's popular,plays on the sport teams,go to parties and gets countless texts and emails from her friends eachday.. Me,I get nothing,I ended up deleting my facebook because I only had about 20 friends on there.. Don't get me wrong,I'm happy my sister is happy but I'm also so jealous of her and I feel like she kinds of rubs it in my face sometimes..

I know I need to get out there and do things,but I'm to scared.
I look at myself in the mirror and I hate what I see,then I think why would anybody want to be my friend? Ive been feeling so depressed,I've convinced myself I might have bipolar disorder. I've tried to talk to my mum but she says I'm ok and I'm just going through a rough patch but I feel like I've been going through this 'rough patch' forever! I feel like everything that has gone wrong in my life is my fault and that I'm never gonna be happy.. I want to be a musician,when I'm older (I can play the guitar) and y'know the only thing that makes me happy is listening to music.. I feel like I can forget everything that's happening in the world when I listen to my music.

I've self harmed before (I'm scared to admit that) and have thought about suicide.
I have these two voices in my head,one saying I'm worthless and the other saying don't give in,your gonna be the person you wanna be!. I have this picture in my head of this badass girl who aint afraid of anybody or anything and I keep dreaming that this is the person I'm gonna be,but every day i wake up and rearlise nothings gonna change.. Please I know this was a long message,but I need someone to help me. What should I do?

[Yordan]

Hey Holly, welcome to this nice place. You can really meet friends here and find the answers you're looking for. So, I know what you're feeling ( I guess so) cause I was in the same hollow some years ago. There wasn't anything that could make me laugh or give sense to my life. Without anybody I could call my friend or at least I could talk to I was so lonely. I didn't have any problems at school or with my parents, but the lack of friends was overwhelming me. Nothing seemed to be working for me an I also had suicidal thoughts from time to time. You may call it depression, or unhappiness, or sadness, or whatever you call it- it was part of me and I was part of it. Things went so bad that my health got worse and the doctors found me a thyroid disease. This added to my emotional condition. However, I managed to recover from the tough operation I had ( it took me 3 years). Over time I started realizing that all the pain I had been through was caused by the negative thoughts in my head. They were the reason for my going through operation. I realized that life is too short to dig in myself and find any shortcomings. I had to make small steps to get out of the desperation and I knew it would be difficult. Bit by bit I was making my way towards light. I decided not to let anybody or anything make me turn back to depression. The first thing I did was to go out and look around for friends. Whoever looks, finds. The other thing that helped me was that I found something to deal with, except for studying or working. Well I had lots of interests, but that time I put in more effort in order to stop thinking of any silly and self-destructive thoughts. I found sense in the simple things that I was doing or experiencing. I'm not the coolest guy or the funniest, but the people I met like me because of all the other qualities I have.
So, my advice to you is that you stop rubbing all the things you don't like for yourself in your head. Dwell on the good features you have. You really must look around for some people that share the same interests as yours. You mention that you play the guitar, well, I also play the guitar and playing music was one main factor which helped me find meaning in life. No one is perfect, people are different, it's up to you whether you want or don't want to change your life for the better. Cheer up and know that you're not alone on this world, there are so many people and things that are worth living for.

[HoLlY12]

Hey Yordan
Thank you so much for your message.
Been having another bad day today and your message really made me smile so thankyou. I'm glad your okay after your operation,that must have been so hard.
My nan has a thyroid disease and she's diabetic so I kinda know what you mean. It's cool that you play the guitar,I've been playing for about 9 months now. I really do wanna try and change my life for the better,it's just easier said than done y'know? But I'm gonna try cause your right life is way too short and I wish I could just get rid of those thoughts in my head but your message has made me rearlise it ain't gonna happen instantly,everything takes time right?
I hope your feeling better now and more happier with yourself.. Xx