New here......not to depression......It has been MUCH worse lately and I'm going nuts....

[beth1954]

I have had some problems at work, following an accident that my daughter and I were involved in that totalled her car, and things have been adding up. I am now to the point it is a wonder that I can get out of bed and make it through the day. I have always had this self-preservation that has kept me working all these years. I am 56 and I've had depression since I was about 20. Peaks and valleys......Right now is really bad because of things at work, and just my feeling that the future is really hopeless and grim. I stayed in bed all weekend. I can't hide it from my 81 year old mother. I've been trying to not let it show. She has been living with me since 1998. It's hard to keep that from her. But she knows it's there. I am trying to get into my shrink, but between me having problems being able to miss work, and their schedule, I'm not having much luck. I can't get in til the 28th, and that is not soon enough! I'm tired of feeling hopeless, worthless, and just SAD all the time. I would never do anything to hurt myself because of my mother and my daughter. 3 of my beloved cats have died in less than a year and that has not helped. My mom drives me crazy, but I love her, and she really is generous and helpful when she wants to be. I have NO ONE to talk to about this.

[doubleparked]

I feel you sister! I'm typing through tears at the moment. Is there another therapist you can see? Even an associate perhaps of your therapist? That's what I hate about the mental health system. I have felt throwing myself off the roof & then you can't get a return call. Make yourself take a walk. It will help. Talk to your mom about some of your feelings. Moms usually listen pretty good & I bet she has been there a time or two herself. I hope everything gets better for you. Maybe you can talk to your boss about some of this. Not every detail but let them know that there's a lot of extra stuff going on at home. Some bosses are pretty understanding about these things. I know I tend to isolate myself even more from everyone when I'm depressed. Right now if I could get in my car & just drive away & never look back I really think I would. But that's probably the worst thing I could do. Good luck to you.

[beth1954]

Thanks for responding. It's nice to know someone is out there.....I can't talk to my boss because she is a big part of the problem right now. I've been at my job for 27 years. My last boss was a jerk and caused some problems. Now the boss I have now is someone I've always gotten along with, but I started falling asleep at my desk because of sleep apnea. I have been using my cpap machine religiously, and I still have days that I am really groggy. I have had blood work done, and wore an oximeter all night to be sure my cpap machine is working right. Next I have to see my shrink (next week).......no one knows why I have this day time sleepiness. PLUS my boss told me I'm cranky with people on the phone, I'm cranky with co-workers, my work productivity is down (partly true) and she has pushed every "worry" button that I have. She even told me that if I don't shape up, she thinks I will become totally disabled. (I am overweight and have knee problems so I limp)...I also had a bad accident in February that hurt my neck and I have had to go to physical therapy for that. She was ragging on me about how much I'm gone. I'm only gone for appointments. I practically NEVER just call in sick. I'm like you....I wish I could jump in my car and just keep driving...........I actuallly could if I didn't have my daughter that needs me, my 81 yr old mother, and my animals!! I hope you are feeling better. I still just go home, eat dinner with Mom and then "cocoon" in bed with my cats........ (((hugs to you)))

[doubleparked]

Thanks for the hugs! I need them. Okay I have another idea. You need to try some yoga. I know you have issues with your body but it may really help. I lost my job 2 years ago & started exercising right after until my brother died, (that's what started this depression again.) One of the things I started doing was yoga. It made me feel so good. We moved a few months ago, away from the studio I was going to. I found a studio about 30 minutes from our new home but it is not the same quality of classes unfortunately. I've been forcing myself to go off & on in spite of this depression. It's better than nothing. I really think you need to do something to get yourself moving (we both do). Yoga is no impact exercise. You can do it with almost any physical limitation. Just try a class & see. Your daughter could go with you as well. Don't let your weight stop you either. I have seen all sizes do well in yoga. Trying new things helps us break out of our ruts too. My husband has sleep apnea as well. He also falls asleep all the time. It sucks, I know. Your boss sounds like a real winner. Sorry that she is less than supportive. I wish you the best, hang in there!!

[cecilbeanie]

Hi I used to feel exactly the same about my mum - they do drive you nuts but trust me you will miss her when shes gone. I dont mean that to bully you or anything but I lost my mum last year and now I just feel lost and very much alone. On the work front could you look for another job? I know it's not easy at the moment, if the US is the same as here it's dame right almost impossible to find a job thats any good. But you are not alone, I think there are more of us than anyone knows: Do take care of yourself, there is only one you!!!