gone too far?

[darkness-]

well, i've been depressive for almost 6 years now and have had suicidal phases in between. i started cutting every time for a different reason and for almost two months i cut about every other day. now, it's less but i'm still addicted to it. i've tried suicide a few times but that was actually in the earlier years until i just stopped caring about everything. i lost faith in literally everything because i learned that you can't rely on or trust anything. what used to mean the world to me means nothing anymore.

music saved me a few times but even that is just something in the background. i can't feel anything really. i never get really mad and i never learned to love. i never learned to talk about my feelings or really show them. i made myself get used to laughing instead of crying and for a while i was unable to cry even when i felt so miserable i was forcing myself to cry but the tears still wouldn't come.

i used to live in my dreams. it got so extreme for a while that i forced myself through the day, excited to see what i was going to live through in my dream. for a few days, my dreams became reality – until they too let me fall. now my dreams are just a mirror to real life, showing things deeper, it sucks. especially because i dream every night without exception, usually it's at least two dreams at night that i remember. and my dreams are different than other people's but that doesn't matter anymore. i still day dream almost every second of the day though.

for a while i used to live off writing stories, but i usually did co-writes so that let me down too. then i started a sad story with lots of deaths and suicides. and dark poems until i came to where i am now: short stories mainly about depression and suicide.
i see my soul as a big black wolf whose fur shines bluish in the moonlight. she has a white streak over her right side of the face and her name is Darkness, which is why my username is darkness-. she is very aggressive and a loner. she was caged for a long time which was very painful until one night she came free. she leaves me at times though because she cant stand seeing me this way.


i actually hate lying but i can lie straight in someone's face without blinking. i act a totally different person and i don't even care enough to be suicidal anymore.
my parents make me miserable, my home makes me miserable, how am i supposed to do my best in school when i don't care about living? i'm only 15, there's not much i can do about those things unless i finally show everything and mess up my whole entire life. i don't believe in happy endings...

and that's all i can think of, the rest is all so faded...

what do you guys say to this?
or is there nothing left to say...?


~I Feel Good~

Fading, life turns to grey,
I try to hold on but it slips away,
Sadly, I watch as my life breaks apart,
I think I have a layer of stone 'round my heart,
My eyes close, struggling for memories,
But none come even if I fall to my knees,
I only live in today, in this instant,
What happened yesterday is so distant,
The consequence of being numb, I suffer,
And all I get is tougher and tougher,
But soon, I'll be tougher than steel,
There'll be nothing left for me to feel,
I cut my wrists and hope to die,
Yet that is just another cheap lie,
Everything's going just the way it should,
With my dead eyes I smile, I feel good.

[AnxiouslyWaiting]

Hi darkness,

I read through your posting and a lot of what you said rang a bell with me. I have always felt like I was 'different' than everyone else and that I had a different view on life. I recognize and can often have a 'numb' feeling like you are describing. I would often look forward to going to sleep and dreaming as this was the time that I felt most alive and free.

I can tell you that I am doing much better now (I started seeking help for general depression and anxiety about 4 years ago). Although writing is a great way to rid some negative emotions (your poem is really good by the way) I felt that going into therapy was the best thing that I did for myself. I am not sure if you have tried therapy yet but I found it most helpful. There are many different kinds and I do realize that it is not for everyone, but I found the ability to talk and vent to someone who had experience listening and advising people with similar thoughts/feelings invaluable. It can often be a very difficult and mentally exhausting experience but it really helps you get down to the core of why you feel how you do about yourself.

In addition to therapy, I did take medication for a large part of the time but I can safely say that without therapy it really is only a band-aid solution. The best I ever felt was when I was working out/eating healthy on a regular basis. I have been slacking on this lately and I can say that I have noticed and immense difference. I have had a rough winter mentally and am making it a priority to work out, eat better and engage in conversation about my depression and anxiety.

Anyways I hope this helps - I am happy to discuss with you more.

Phil

[darkness-]

first of all, thanks for replying =]

i haven't tried any kind of therapy or medication for depression or anything but i had had a phase where i was afraid of people up to the point that i was uneasy around anyone and couldn't stand groups bigger than 5. i almost had a panic attack when we went shopping once (i was forced to go) and i was actually ready to fun off by myself even though i had no idea where i was. the only thing that had helped me fight it back was some remark my mother had made that got me so mad, i just wanted to prove to myself that she was wrong. since i had a lot of headaches at that time, the doctor sent me to some therapist because of my 'social awkwardness'.

since i had always been a quiet baby and as a toddler. i wasn't outgoing at all, i liked long walks and pretty much only stuck to family instead of friends. in addition, i had been sick a lot so i couldn't talk that good until i got my tonsils taken out.

it pretty much stayed that way until we moved to he U.S. where i found awesome friends and became livelier and louder.

but we moved back after five years and that's what caused my depression. i'm not sure if Germany (where i was born and live now) is the cause for it. i can
barely remember what it was like before our first move, because i pretty much remember only grey even though i was almost five years old. but when we moved back, everything i had learned to know in the U.S. just completely vanished. i was almost mute the whole first year here and only after four years did i become conscious, it was like i woke up to reality after those four years. since then i'm doing the things i did instinctively before on purpose.

the one best friend i have left from the U.S. used to know i was 'sad' but i convinced her it was over and that i was never depressed. my parents told me they had been afraid i could get depressive after 2 years which is when i started hurting myself the first time. so, no one knows about me being depressed. sometimes i wonder how they can't see that their own child is like this even though we spend a lot of time together. my parents come from Bosnia and have lived through 2 years of war, so they know the value of life and try their best for us but i can't stand them. they know about the cruelty in life but they've never seen this side of life.

being so quiet before and then suddenly falling into depression with 9, i never talked about my feelings. saying or even just thinking 'i'm sad' feels so ridiculous to me. my biggest fear is that someone is going to really look into me one day and really see every single part of me. i think i have major trust issues because i can get very protective at times, especially for the things i wrote/made. so i don't think going on therapy would work. i'm just unable to say stuff. writing this post is easy because it's more like writing a journal. no one knows me.

wow, long post, sorry.

but thanks again =]

[darkness-]

wait, i messed up. i do love but just my dog. and sometimes i don't care about her either...

[AnxiouslyWaiting]

I completely understand your frustration with having parents that don't understand what you are going through. My parents think that depression isn't chemical and that it's all just 'in our heads' for lack of a better expression. This was the main reason that I waiting so long to seek help for my depression.

I also completely understand why you would be hesitant to try therapy as you feel like you`ve never been able to talk about your feelings. This is exactly how I felt but the more I went the more I felt I was able to open up. I`m now at the point where I am able to talk openly about my depression with friends and family. I was fortunate enough to feel comfortable with the first therapist I was matched up with - sometimes it takes several tries before getting someone you feel you can open up to but it is ultimately worth it.

In any case, I realize that therapy is not for everyone but I do believe there is no harm in trying. If it doesn`t work for you, you can always stop going. After a few sessions you will hopefully begin to feel how powerful it is to have someone there who you can just vent to. As good as writing about your depression can help I can absolutely say that nothing feels better than vocally getting some of the things that are bothering you off of your chest. A good therapist will listen and help you understand your feelings and where they come from but will not make you feel like you are being dissected into a million pieces (which is exactly what I thought it was going to be like initially). They will also give you exercises and readings to help you try and figure out what triggers your depression and why. I am still battling with depression and there are some really rough days here and there, but the fact that I understand why I am feeling a certain way makes it so much easier to deal with.

I also just wanted to say good on you! I didn`t have the courage at 15 to sign up for a forum such as this and be able to share my emotions with others. You are off to an early start and it is a good one. Keep up the writing and post an entry now and again about how you are feeling - this is a great way to get some things off of your chest and learn as much as you can from other people who have similar experiences.

[darkness-]

well, since i've been dealing with it for a long time now, so idk, i just decided to see if there are any forums or anything.

point is, i know why i'm depressed. and it hasn't helped at all.

and lately it's getting much harder to concentrate, my mind just keeps wandering off. sometimes music helps me concentrate like when i'm supposed to be learning for school but when i'm talking to someone then i have to look straight at them and listen real hard to not wander off in my thoughts and end up not hearing half the things they said. it's worst in school... and since my grades are falling, my parents punish me more, which makes the depression harder to deal with...

but my family went away for spring break now, so i'm alone at home for the most part. i have to go sleep at my aunts but the rest i'm at home taking care of my dog and her puppies that she just got two days ago. so that might help me relax a little...

[AnxiouslyWaiting]

Sometimes we think we know why but when we look into ourselves deep down we find things out that we didn't think were there.

In any case, I didn't reply to your thread to lecture you, writing is also a fantastic way to venting and I am one of many people here that are glad to try and help.

I know exactly what you mean about concentration - I have really bad bouts of OCD on a daily basis that make doing even basic things really difficult. I find getting exercise has really helped me clear my head. Being alone does make things difficult I find as well - sometimes being alone with your thoughts are your worst enemy. I try to force myself to go out and try and socialize sometimes even if I don't want to.

[darkness-]

maybe... i'm pretty sure i know why though. i've thought a lot about it. before i thought love was stupid and all but i realized that love is always there. liking is also a part of loving. and when you don't like something then the love is missing. when you're doing something then it's because you love it. even though i still don't like that word much and never use it.
realizing that made me think over everything i had thought i had known back then and changed my way of thinking a bit. but you're right. there's still a ton i have no idea about.

and i'm very grateful that you're replying! i dunno if i've thanked you before but thx, it really is helping. =]
my mother is always protesting that i say thank you and sorry too much but do knowing to show how grateful i am, so she keeps telling me to stop saying those things... i probably never will though.

i had to have real trouble doing homework before. i would sit down and suddenly realize i had been just staring out the window for the last 15 minutes day dreaming and it was hard to get to work then but now my parents let me listen to music since i proved that i can memorize things better with music so it's not all that bad anymore, thankfully.
that's true... but when someone is home, i always have to watch out and keep a smile up, i'm being forced to do things, i can't be myself and i can't even listen to music very loudly cuz well, most people don't like to listen to screaming. when i'm alone, i can partially relax. sometimes i do need to go annoy my sister or parents just to keep my thoughts away from dark ones, like at times where i feel like i'm going to get a panic attack. it doesn't really make me feel better, it actually makes me sadder but i calm down without having to cut which i can't do during the day anyway.

what's kind of funny though, is that when i make friends, i always realize later after i get to know them a bit better that they have problems at home. pretty much every really good friend i had had divorced parents. my best friend's mother is russian and lives in the US and she doesn't like being there and being with her husband at all. he is cold and distanced to everyone. my friend and her sister don't really like him either. and their mother is constantly talking about divorce and moving back to russia. this year she was very close to just going to russia herself and leaving them three.
then three friends that i had spent time with here in germany had divorced parents and lived with their mothers, one had never even seen her real father and her step-father and mother also got divorced, the other two saw their father's one in two weeks or something but lived with their mother and her boyfriend.
the two friends i have now, one of them lives with her mother and her boyfriend (even though he's already kind of the step-father). she calls him 'dad' and hasn't seen her real father since she was 7. her older sister, whom their real father had always liked more and treated better, went to live with him and used to be a punk, even having ended up in the hospital once cuz of overdose of drugs. she told my friend that if she ever wanted drugs to come to her and never anyone else. i just find it weird that a sister would encourage her little sister to take drugs.
the other friend has an abusive father. he's constantly yelling at her and talking bad about her. he did this since she was baby. and he even hits her sometimes, my friend said once she was even afraid for her life (she does take things a bit too serious usually). but he has a good relationship with her older brother. he never does anything to him.
it's not that i mind having friends like those, they're the best. they're different i a good way, i was just surprised when i realized that. my family is pretty much perfect. if it weren't for me. i like helping my friends though. especially if they need someone to talk to. if i can't save myself, i'll save someone else.

[AnxiouslyWaiting]

It's funny how that works isn't it? I've found out in the last couple of years that some really close friends and family were suffering from depression and/or anxiety just like me and I had absolutely no clue. I think we are drawn to one another and we are able to see the person in a way that nobody else does - almost like a unconscious understanding of one another.

When comparing some of my childhood experiences with friends of mine I often think the same thing - that I was lucky to have had such a great family growing up. The truth is, there is no perfect family and although you may want to blame yourself for being the one who didn't fit in, there were clearly some things that you needed in your life that you were lacking and that made you feel the way you do about yourself. I know in my case this was true - there were several events at school that shaped the way I felt about myself but there were also things at home that contributed. I am not blaming your family or pointing the finger at them in any way, I am just saying that we are shaped by the people and events around us and typically it is family that has the most influence. That being said, there is a chance your parents didn't realize what exactly you were missing - sometimes we need that little extra and people aren't aware. Try not to be too hard on yourself, I am a strong believer in nurture versus nature - we aren't born 'different' from everyone else. I believe some minds are more susceptible to things like depression and anxiety, but there was a fork in the road somewhere in our past and we were steered in this direction - it is very unlikely that this was one thing but rather a combination of things.

Oh and you are welcome! I really enjoy helping others, much as you do so please keep the posts coming! I've been having a rough go of it lately so you may see me posting a thread in the next couple of days

[darkness-]

my parents do everything for me and my sister. they make sure we study, that we do sorts, that we hang out with friends and get out of the house but also that we learn to make our own decisions and to take responsibility. they've been through a lot themselves (war and my father lost both parents as a teenager, if you care to read, more info here: Questions About Depression And Marriage - Help Me To Understand This Please.). but they never gave up fighting and doing really all they can. things have finally started to go upward for them now since we last moved about 6 years ago. i thought i was getting better too but i realized my depression was just getting worse. but i act being happy because i don't want to ruin their lives. they're finally started fitting it here, my father is finally having success with his movie and the only thing that i think they're doing wrong is that they're giving my sister a bit too little attention...
i don't wanna say that it's all my fault, lately i've been wondering if they are such a wonderful family, how they never realize how i'm feeling. but i just need something to hold onto. if i start thinking it's their fault, then i won't have this motivation to fight for them so i don't ruin their dream...i'm already doubting if it's helping at all that i'm hanging on just for them...

well, thx =] i guess writing to an anonymous person is the only way i can express my feelings.

[AnxiouslyWaiting]

Hey darkness,

Sorry I was MIA for a little while. I read your post about your family - I truly feel for them. I can't imagine what it's like living through war but they are a success story. Many families never made it out alive so they should be proud. On top of that they were able to make a better life for themselves and their family.

In my experience some people like to pretend there is no such thing as depression. My family does the same. My mom thinks it's a 'phase' that everyone goes through and my dad generally just doesn't have any comment. It's funny too because his family has a deep deep history of depression and when I ask him about it he says 'I don't remember'. I'm not sure if it's just denial or if his parents kept him away from it as a child. Either way, I know how you are feeling and it can make you feel alienated.

In any case at least you have some peers here that get you

[darkness-]

i was grounded, which was why i couldnt answer.
we were getting our grades for the third quarter of school and i got a letter that i was in danger of failing the grade. my parents were furious. they took away my laptop, made me do school work for the rest of the afternoons the rest of the week. i got that letter on a monday, on friday there would be an afternoon where parents can talk to the teachers individually. i had to get signed up by more than half of my teachers.
but anyway, i thought it was over. i was failing and i would have to tell my parents about EVERYTHING and i thought that was the end. i didn't see a reason to live anymore and decided to commit suicide. it felt good. it was sad but everything seemed beautiful and i felt free. i was very unsure though. every 15 minutes i would reconsider. for two whole days ALL i thought about was suicide. in school, at home, at night. i was spaced out the whole time. i had stolen tons of pills from my parents and kept them next to my razor. i had invited our little group of loners in school to eat lunch together at break for the last time. i thought of it to be like a farewell something. i wrote poems like a farewell letter. but the night before wednesday i wrote a short note to my parents about the depression, having decided against suicide since i could do that anytime afterward. the lunch was then meant to bring me luck and help me have a last good time before i confronted my parents.
in the note i told them that the depression was the reason for my weird behavior but the problem was that my weird behavior had pretty much stopped because i had tried to act like everything was fine. my parents thought i only meant my grades, not the whole situation. in the note, i asked them not to mention the note and that i couldnt talk to them about it.
later in the afternoon my mother came and something along the lines of that they were so happy i could tell them how i feel and that we all feel sad sometimes, that we all have days where we dont want to get up out of bed and that i should please not call it depression because thats something completely different. and that i am very intelligent and don't need medication to be able to work.
they didn't get what i wrote.true, my note wasn't the best, but thats because the thing i am most afraid of is letting someone see into me and telling someone about myself. i love to keep myself a secret. and i wanted to distance myself from them.
after that i felt relieved that they didnt believe me but also disappointed cuz it meant that everything would get harder.i would have to get better in school because i was acting so strong or else my parents would think i'm just lazy and don't fell like it (which they did start thinking).
i did get better in school, but only cuz i realized that it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter if i say something in school or not, it just matters when i'm bad cuz then i get punished. school wouldn't change anything of my life at home.
truth is, i love to go to school to escape from home and i love getting out of school to escape it. i spend as much time as i can out of the house now. i do anything to not be home. when i am, i pretend like i'm close with my parents and my sister again. in school i'm more cheerful and active, more kids are starting to talk to me. everything is getting better... on the outside.
i feel happy in a way because i'm supposed to with such a life, but i still cut, i feel like crying, i take any pain that i can have.i only noticed that yesterday, before that i had pretend i was fine, and i had believed it myself. i hadn't realized that the cutting, hand-wring, hair-pulling, nail-biting (which i had gotten out of for a while) and not being able to stay still was a sign that i still wasn't better.
i'm suffering from the choked up feeling inside while enjoying the high in my 'outer' life. the sad inside makes me feel good, and the good life on the outside leaves a bitter taste. but i'm not fighting it cuz i realized this is the way it'll stay. i can't tell anyone, because i would just be whining around without anything changing. i know i'm whining around right now but i'm weak, i can't help it. we're doing a newspaper project and there was an article about a suicide. an alcoholic with mental issues asked for help. they let him wait for an hour up till he couldn't take it anymore and he ran off, threatening to slit his veins, shortly later they found him hanged on a fence. he asked for help and didn't get it. i kept the article. i didn't get why it touched me so at the beginning, now i do.
i know i'm going to die the same way, until then, i will live. that's all i ever wanted to just live, be free. i will go through life with a smile, until i'm gonna commit suicide one day. it doesn't sound terrible to me. it makes me smile, being able to decided if and when you want to stop. i'll try to live my life freely. if i can't, i will kill myself. this human world/society isn't worth living by their rules.