Middle aged man, no job, depressed

[fw2010]

Hello;
I am a 50+yr old guy with no job for the past 3-1/2 years, and not much hope of getting anything that I could tolerate. I was working in the field of electronics, as a high level tek, but with no college degree, it would be difficult to get back into the field if I wanted to. But at this point, I do not.

I am depressed most of the time, although I get reprieve by running. I am doing a full marathon (my 10th) on Sunday, so I am looking forward to it, and the great feeling it produces afterwards. But that will last only a few days or so, then I'll slip right back into this hopeless despair.

I had to move back with my parents when I lost my job in June 2007. I have been paying my bills (my parents are buying the food, and paying the other bills, but I have to pay my own insurance) from my savings, and that will run out in a little more than a year at the rate I am using it now.
So I get depressed about all of that, and what will I do once the money does run out. I hate the feeling that I am dependent on my parents, as though I were a teenager again. But at my age, it's really scary.
And my parents won't live forever, so eventually I won't even have them, and I will be left homeless.

I wish that I could get comfortable enough to take a job I didn't like, just to have some money, but with my current condition, I cannot. I would never be able to do the job if there wasn't some interest there. I need a reason to get up in the morning, and that was what was lacking during the last year of my old job.

I would really like to write for a living, but have never taken any formal courses, and don't have much life experience to write about. I keep looking for something to cause a life changing experience for me, and with my running, I am just looking to run longer distances, perhaps more than 50 miles in one day. I love to run, but I am also doing it to try to change myself. Sometimes long distance runners have this "epiphany" that happens during a 100 mile endurance race, and that is the kind of thing I am looking for.
It's as though I have never had to really push myself to the limits, and never really got to "know who I am". All that you are supposed to learn about yourself by age 30, I have still to learn at age 50.

I honestly believe there is something wrong with my brain. I am taking antidepressant, and it does help, but not all that much. It just stops me from feeling paranoid about everyone around me.

I live with my parents, my sister (who is also 50+), and her teenage daughter there is always something going on in the house, and sometimes I just want to be alone in quiet. I get annoyed at my 89 year old dad a lot, because he just doesn't get it, how I feel, and that I would sometimes just like to be left alone. He talks way too much, and I have trouble focusing on anything when he's talking. I seem to have this disorder that prevents my brain from properly filtering the information I receive from outside, and from within my own mind. I have odd thoughts a lot of time. I read an article in SciAM Mind yesterday, which pretty much describes my disorder.

I could go away, but I don't want to spend money on hotel rooms.
So I just "run away", for a few hours, and come back feeling better, but it all starts again the next day.

I guess I just want to get suggestions on what I might do to earn some money, not that I am asking anyone to find me a job, but to plant a seed for me to work on it myself.
Sorry for getting so long, but I need to spill it all out sometimes.

Thanks

JB

[doubleparked]

I understand how you feel completely. I too am middle aged (almost 47), currently unemployed & deeply depressed. I am married but my husband doesn't understand what I am going through & is quite distant from me lately. I think he's just tired of how I am now. I know I am. I don't have a college degree either so that also holds me back from getting into my former occupation. We both need to find a therapist ASAP. I'm not on any medication & I know I should be. Maybe you need a different or addition medication, they don't all work the same for everyone. My challenge too is that I don't have health insurance anymore. There are sliding scale clinics out there, I called one 3 days ago, was on hold for almost an hour & finally left a message. I was supposed to get a return call within 24 hours but as of yet nothing. That's the way a lot of these places are. If you have health insurance call someone TODAY. If you don't know who to call ask you family doctor, they will know where to direct you. That's what you need to do before you attempt to get another job. I think the running is great! But I don't think that will solve all your problems. You need guidance from someone that's not related to you in any way. Not every therapist is a good fit either. If you can't open up & feel comfortable then try others till you find the right one. Try to be patient with your parents. Mine have both died in the last 4 years & I wish I still had them here. They were crazy in many ways but they loved me. I hope you take my advice. I'm going to call the clinic again today, wish me luck!