Outlet for my River of Pain

[UncomfortablyNumb]

Hi and thanks for reading this. I am new and have never done anything like this before, but I am getting pretty desperate. I've read a few threads and can relate to everything that is being said. I am between anti-depressants right now and I feel so flat... I don't really feel like I have any emotions, except anger that I can express or really feel. I feel like I have no purpose, no direction - and I can't think of any way to change this. I suffer from severe migraines just about every day, so I finally decided to apply for permanent disability. So my "career" is over and I am no longer working. I am broke and can barely pay the rent. No health insurance for many years, I struggle just to pay a regular MD for migraine meds. Like many on this forum, I feel like my friends and family are just moving on with their lives and leaving me in the dust. I don't think they really understand. I live with my boyfriend, and although he loves me, he does not understand and doesn't talk much, and can't really provide the support I need. I have no one to really talk to about this that understands. I don't understand what the F I am doing here on this earth. I can't have kids, I have no money to pursue anything that I might be interested in like dance classes, horses, gym, etc and it really frustrates me. I don't even feel like talking to anyone on the phone anymore. I just watch tv and when I don't have a migraine, I run. I used to be able to take a walk, or do some positive self-talk, or call a friend to change my mood, but now I don't even want to. I am frozen and I feel dead inside. I also hate the world and take no hope from it. This capitalist system we are stuck with is corrupt and just for the chosen few. The rest of us without wealth are screwed, and they keep making it harder and harder for the middle class? to survive. I hate that I sound so negative but this is what I got and I got to get it out. I think of suicide, but the problem is - its too permanent! lol I thought of writing - but I feel that is going to go the same way as my original music did - great stuff with rave reviews, but not heard outside my circle -yet I hear crap on the radio and it disgusts me. I have 5 chapters into a book, but don't want to do all that work for it to sit in a file. Does anyone feel like this too? Help I am drowning.......

[darkness-]

what helped me a lot was rpging or co-writing.
i love to write but get bored if i just keep it for myself but i cant show it anyone and it gets lonely. but when you rpg or co-write then you dont have to do everything yourself, theres always someone who answers and if your not motivated enough, the reply from your co-writer can inspire you and give you an idea. by rpgs, the story doesnt really even have to have much sense, it's mostly just for fun and write about any crazy thing you want =]
rpg, stands for role-play-game, in case you have no idea what the hell i was writing about the whole time. you make up a character and ''act out'' that character. then other reply with their own characters.

[UncomfortablyNumb]

Hey - thanks for replying. I kept checking back here and there and got further depressed when there were no replies! lol - Got some Zoloft in me and started to feel better. I realized that this forum is good for a place to "dump" all these horrible feelings we feel inside, and that in itself is therapeutic. I think that the problem is we are all depressed! When you are numb, miserable, and unmotivated, you really don't feel like replying, so no one really does which is why you have all these views and minimal replies. Its so hard to break out of the darkness for any reason, valid or not. Sometimes I think, well I am all F d up - what can I say to help someone else, but than I think, well if reading this helps another person realize that they are not the only one - well then thats good.

[darkness-]

no problem =] i realized it must be disappointing when you come to a forum where you're supposed to be able to talk about everything and maybe even get tips but no one answers...
yea, i suck at comforting people myself, i'm not good with talking to people. but one of my friends said that it helped her when she just had someone to listen and i'm a good listener so when i notice she's down i ask her if she's alright and she immediately tells me what's bothering her (she has a father that only cares about her older brother, if she does it its always wrong, if her bro does it its good and he sometimes hits her). i realized that often you just have to make a short little statement and it gets the other person talking, it doesnt have to be a question or anything to do with the actual topic.