Hit a wall in my life

[AnxiouslyWaiting]

This is one of the lowest times I can remember in my life.

Stress with my OCD, depression and anxiety, brought out by work and my relationship have taken its toll. Every email I send, every conversation I have, I over-analyze in my head in excruciating detail. To me there is only one right choice in every situation. Get it wrong, and it haunts me all day. This could be something as simple as putting a comma here, not capitalizing something there. I’ve actually thought on several occasions that my girlfriend would break up with me if I used bad grammar in a text message to her. One mistake or unclear conversation at work often makes me think I will get fired and taint my professional profile, preventing me from getting a job and losing my house and belongings along with it. As laughable as either of these scenarios may sound, when I’m in that situation they are very real real.

I get home from work after a long day of dealing with these kinds of thoughts to spend time with my lovely girlfriend and incidentally this frustration comes out in the form of anger the likes of which often scares me. The other night, she made a comment that I didn’t understand and found offensive. I tried to get her to clarify but when I put her on the spot she often freezes up because she knows what might be coming. I didn’t see it coming – before I knew it I was yelling, banging furniture and swearing at her. She was covering her face and crying – I had thought because she didn’t want to hear anything else I was saying. I later found out it was because she was afraid of me – I can’t get the image of her covering up and crying out of my head. I am ashamed – I don’t know how I will recover from this one. Later that night, after realizing my actions, I began crying uncontrollably and genuinely wanting to end it all for myself. I often think this is the only way I need to get things in my life in order but this was one of those breaking points for me.

I had already committed to start working out, writing and volunteering on a regular basis but fell off the wagon on all three counts. I know this situation should be even more motivation to do these things but right now I just feel so depressed I don’t even want to move. I am hoping I will snap out of it in a few days and really start to get things in order.

[darkness-]

isn't that common for a depression? that you can't come out of it all by yourself because it takes all your will for everything? whatever you want to do and tell yourself you ARE gonna do, depression breaks it all into pieces while you're enjoying that high in your life? one moment of not paying attention and it's taking over again?

[AnxiouslyWaiting]

You're completely right - it's such a vicious cycle. You are too depressed to work out and improve yourself as a person but you need too in order to break through your depression. It's a tough one. Anyways, I am doing better now - although I still haven't been doing what I committed to. I am going to try and take this opportunity to try and commit to doing some of things that I said I would.

I suppose the thing that scares me is losing control of my temper - although it doesn't happen often, when it does it is frightening and only succeeds in hurting myself and the people that I love. I'm hoping working out and writing will be able to expel some of my pent up anger that I often don't even realize is there under the surface..

[AnxiouslyWaiting]

On a side note, I notice there isn't a lot of communication on this forum. I realize my comment was a bit of a rant and I wasn't looking for some magical answer, but 166 views and only 1 comment? I also notice that the thread a few posts down has over 200 views and only 3 comments! Again, I wasn't looking for some magical answer, I'm just surprised there weren't at least a handful of people that were able to relate to me.

[anonymous123]

yeah i noticed that too,the lack of communication. everything you mentioned in your post does sound relate-able especially how hard it is to commit to things because depression just takes away the motivation,it will pass, i hope it all works out.

[darkness-]

i'm glad its going better for at least some of us =]
i think people just dont like talking about depression. i mean, it makes you feel like crap so when you talk about it then... and everyone knows how it is anyway. everything tahts being said is the same, you feel foolish like you're whining or something and similar. i think thats why not many people talk much.

[Frith]

Hi, hope you will be fine.
Thanks for sharing something on despression. It was really nice post. Actually, I'm suffering from it by myself.
I'm so much afraid of it. Sometimes, stupid thinking come in mind like suicide. I'll talk in detail later coz I'm not
position to post it now.
regards

[Archibald]

Hi AnxiouslyWaiting,
My dear it is mostly created by too much work and not give the time to other entertainment activities.For reducing it,the entertainment is the best way,i think.

[Archibald]

Hi AnxiouslyWaiting,
My dear it is mostly created by too much work and not give the time to other entertainment activities.For reducing it,the entertainment is the best way,i think.Thanks for sharing this information.