I hate people and I dont want to leave my house

[midwintertears]

Hi, I am 19 years old, boy from a small town in Sweden, when I was a child I moved to Morocco because my father was moved there because of his work, I used to be too shy to ever dare to talk to someone, the kids there would treat me different and make fun of me and didnt want to play with me because I was the only ''white'' kid at my school, I was picked on because of it and stuff, I started to dislike myself and I hated being white, after some time I didnt mind that much because I got used to it and I was happy just playing on my own, it was hard for me to speak with people because of the language and stuff, then one day after school when I was about 8 I missed the bus that would take me back home and I just went by myself walking, some random man smiled at me and called me then took to his place, I thought he knew my mom or something and would take me home, but then he beated me and abused me, after that I escaped naked on street and police took me home etc, but I got very traumatized, then at age nine, my teacher was actually my neighbor, she had a sun my age I'd play with every now and then, but she and her son were murdered, there were a couple of people and the police outside so I went out with my dad to see what happened, and she was there laying in a puddle of blood, she was murdered with a butcher knife, defigured, and so was her son who was inside the house, I got very sad, then exactly two weeks after that my dad had a car accident and died, I got obsessed with death and stuff then, I had panic attacks and stuff, my mom and I got back to Sweden the same year, a small town (again) where the kids picked on me constantly for being weird and quiet, when I was around 12 I got rebelious, I used to escape from home and go by my own to a close city where some friends of mine were from who I met online, I used to go to concerts and places that were absolutely not for 12 year old kids, but I felt accepted and happy, they were twice my age and they used to do a lot of drugs, I never did drugs until I was around 15, I was a crap student back then because I wouldnt even pay attention in class, my teacher called my mom and told her I used to be involved in ''satanic rituals'' that made my mom go crazy, that was absolutely not true I have never ever been in any kind of rite, my mom got me into medication, injections and stuff, I was absolutely depressed back then so I guess she was desperated to help me but I was angry as hell with her back then, I graduated in 2009, then I was worried about my best friend because I couldnt find her online for some months, and then I been told that she killed herself, it got me very sad, after attempting suicide I joined a rehab group, we were only teenager guys there, and I met a guy who seemed to be intrested on me (no one ever really did) I never have been with a guy and neither he did, at first it was awkward but we got used to it, he left a couple of months before than me, he actually said he loved me and stuff but then when I got out I got to know he had a girlfriend who was actually pregnant, he added me on facebook and told me we should run away together, I was like wtf!!!, I just took him out of my life even though I really loved him and how he used to be with me, anyways, now I just dont want to see anyone, or talk to anyone, when visits come to my house I hide in the room until they go, I just feel like I cant stand people, I cant stand the things people say or watch someone on tv, I dont want to have friends and of course, I never ever go out, I spend all my time reading a book or reading on the computer, I am instested on learning about history and languages, I actually learned how to english online, I learned it on my own, it makes me happy to learn about stuff, I get obsessed sometimes, I barely ever sleep, I am actually scared that I will gonna be this way for the rest of my life but then I think if this is the way I'm happy I shouldnt feel bad about it..what do you think I need to do? I'd like to hear some advices, anyways thanks for taking your time to read me!

[cherrypink27]

hello,im new here and its nice to be here.



check this out989803158221

[csms92]

hello midwintertears,

umm, i don't know what to say, umm, reading your story has left me speechless, i guess first of all im sorry i can't give you any advice, i find myself in a situation similar to yours, but when i read everything you've gone through it makes my problems seem like absolutely nothing. i noticed you posted this in june and maybe you might not even write back anymore, but im gonna take a shot and say this anyways. For a while I've been going online and just googling things like depression, suicide, and help with social anxiety, and i've just been searching for something, anything that can help me get out of this dead end ive hit in life. im 19 years old too, i grew up in florida in the united states, and for a very long time ive been the kind of person who is quiet and kept to himself, ive never had many friends, and any friends i have had have moved on with their lives. ive always been afraid being rejected if i try to be friendly, and people that have tried to come close to me eventually have left because of how awkward it is to be around me. i graduated last year from high school and since then i have been living with my parents, but like you im always at home and don't have any friends, and i really wish i did have friends, someone to talk to, to spend time with, to feel like i really matter to someone. you also mentioned you had a boyfriend once, i did too when i was in high school, i met him in the church where my family used to go, unlike me he was outgoing and very talkative, and i loved him and he told me he loved me too, but then our parents found out we were together and forced us to separate. we stayed together secretly though, because we still saw each other at school, but eventually we really did separate, you see when he was in his last year of high school, i was still in 10th grade, and he ended up going to university and forgot about me... he was the only relationship ive ever had. sorry i got carried away with my story, i was so amazed when you said you learned english all by yourself, and its good that you're interested in learning about history and languages, even though you're a total stranger, im really happy for you! i really hope you can find your way in life (well both of us) and i would be even more happy if you responded to my post.