Life long fight?

[luciat]

I've basically been suffering from depression since I was a child. I had my first major depressive episode when I was 11/12, at the same time I developed an eating disorder (anorexia).
After that extreme period, I made it through several years without major episodes, until I started University, when things started to deteriorate.
When I was a child, I went through physical abuse from my father, and my mother wanted to commit suicide when I was seven. She also never stopped my father from beating me and completely didn't give a sh*t when I was anorexic and basically dying in front of her. When I started Uni, I was trying to sort of get rid of all that bagagge by not blocking out the bad memories and by talking to someone I felt really close to.
Nevertheless, I sort of reverted to my old ways, starting to eat less and less until people were expressing concern. I sort of tried to turn things round then, but it got worse.
For some reason, I still harbored some naive hopes that my mother would finally start caring if only I made an effort and talked to her. Well, I was wrong, she basically said she didn't want to know me.
Also, the person I had felt really close to at Uni turned out to be a complete bastard as well and abandoned me just like everybody else did.
I had a really bad depressive episode in December/January, and I can't say I have really been able to get back out of that incredible low.
Basically, I was at the point where your whole body just goes numb and you don't feel anything anymore. I had no strength left and all I wanted to do was to just lie down alone somewhere and just wait until I die.
I also started drinking (because that was the only thing I had around) just to make everything go away for a little bit.
I moved after that, and tried to get better by concentrating on my new job, but again everything just got out of control. I am unable to sleep unless I drink or take pills. I'm disgusted with myself. I have been thinking (fantasizing, really) about suicide. It's becoming a viable option to me.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this here, but I just felt I wanted to write it down. No one really understands depression, people just think I'm moody or lazy or being dramatic.

[anonymous123]

im sorry for all the bad experiences you had, i suggest therapy to help you deal, dont let your bad experiences with people make you lose faith,not all people are bad, drinking makes things worse try to stay away from it, i hope this forum helps its good to vent, many have experienced thoughts about suicide youre not alone, i hope things brighten up for you, i wish you the best.