Uncategorized Depression - Massive Negativeness

[Wes]

After a decade of battling chronic undiagnosable body pain, I seem to have finally won. Or at least it is in total remission. Only to find a deep depression and hopelessness awaiting me. And I still battle ADD, OCD, and chronic inhibition - kind of an "inner freeze and want to run like hell" mode.

And the last 6 months, I have had a first grandiose, delusional period. Then a brief rage period. Paranoid, spent money foolishly, made an ass of myself in emails to friends. Sounds like Bi-Polar.

Now I am much more pragmatic, yet crushed. I had a tunnel-vision mindset: I always imagined that I would pick my life up again once the pain was gone. But at 39, i am an unemployed MBA, living in a motel with no "home town", lonely and can only think day to day. No hobbies or interests any more. Most days I can't even focus on getting a job much less operate one. I fear going homeless, staying horridly miserable and even flipping into and out of insanity.

NUTSHELL:
For over a decade, I thought I was "A normal person with unusual circumstances".
Now, after the pain "Shell" is gone, I realize that I did and always will have this life-de-railing collection of brain imbalances. And its low-self-esteem and misery. And giving up on my life-long goals. Unable to get above the first rung of life's ladder.

So my question:
If any of you have felt:
1) Hopeless long-term and like you have nothing to contribute to the world
2) Like you are only a burden on friends and family. (Severely humiliating disappointment).
3) Have tried all the "Help" stuff for decades... (Px's counseling, diet, lifestyle, etc.)

What do you/I do?
And how do you suggest I settle into living with this newly accepted permanent "weirdness"? (I mean no disrespect for ANYONE who is "Mentally Ill" like me.

Thanks for your thoughts,
Wes

[anonymous123]

Hi i can relate

I have felt like my life is pointless and like im a waste especially on the days when i cant seem to bring myself to do the most basic of things like get up or shower or do work
i havent even been able to go to school i felt like a waste , ans my family is extremely worried about me so yeah i do feel like a burden, i recently begun to seek help im on medication and am seeking therapy though ive tried at school and it felt pointless like all i was doing was talking and it didnt change how i felt

well lately me medications been working or i started my good period my depression varies through a couple months of wanting to die fades for a couple months and then returns again its a sick cycle so im just waiting for the next break down in a couple of months to see if the meds working or not sorry this is so long

well what i do is try to live day by day and to stop thinking ( thinking makes me more depressed) and start acting, i force a smile and get up and just do , i realize that for me this wont go away and i have to learn to deal , i always remind myself of the things im grateful for like the days i feel like i can breathe, food on the table, a supportive family, etc.
i try to just live do what i have to not think about things be grateful and i realize i will want to die again but i recognize that it will pass and ill be okay eventually and sometimes when i feel the negative outweighs the positive i remind myself that i should be grateful for any positive emotion i have and i surround myself in that

realize that youre a good person realize that you are young and you will get through this and realize that you can live and that you can beat this illness and work on yourself slowly try to get a sense of normalcy , socialize a little call up a friend once a day, try a hobby if even for only five minutes meditate listen to music you can live .