i just want someone different to talk to

[Sherina (:]

i honestly feel a littled scared to even post this, probably because i think everyone's going to put me down, like many have for my most of my life. People tell me i'm stupid for even getting upset about 'little things' which obviously has a great impact on me.

i don't have friends that i can talk to, that will be patient with me as i speak about the hurdles that i'm facing at the moment and i just want someone to make me believe i'm going to be okay, that i'm going to get through it, but i cant believe a word anyone says.
i've wanted to kill myself a number of times throughout the past 3 years. It started when my cousin committed suicide. I looked up to her, i always wanted to be like her but i didnt really know her too well. Apparently she had been facing the same situation as i am today but never spoke a word of it, really.

I want to kill myself because i dont have friends anymore and i'm terrified to even think that my ex-bestfriend will tell my deepest, darkest secret to everyone. she's know bestfriends with my 'enemy' if thats what you can call it. I'm frightened to be hurt, well, really, i'm scared to even feel. i just want to be happy with myself and not listen to the people who call me names. i would love to die to get back at them, but it'll probably just cause more shit when i'm gone. i don't really know what i want to say in this thread, but i know that i just want to get it off my chest. I feel like i'm living a lie, that nothing ive told anyone is true, it makes me feel so sick inside, i just dont know what to do!

i think i'll just leave it at that for now. this is my first time on here. lets see how it goes (:

[anonymous123]

i can relate , i once had a breakdown in a store and i was told to get over it as if it was withing my control, iv been dealing with depression since i was either 5 or 9 and im 17 now im on medication and i can honestly say you'll be fine or at least it will get better. i think this forum will help , im sorry about your cousin, you can always feel free to vent and share your feelings here , most people can relate, i hope you enjoy the forum

[Sherina (:]

its a terrible thing to go through. ive only just started on this forum, but i already feel alot better about myself. im still not too sure what to even say on this, maybe just a bit at a time.

5 or 9 years old? i couldn't even imagine having to deal with such a thing for a tremendous amount of time. i'm honestly proud that you stuck through life till now, it makes me believe that there is hope, but then again, im not sure about the full story of your life, what you've been through.

thank you for making me feel welcome (:

[anonymous123]

thanks i really want you to know that there is hope and it does get better i mean there will be times where its bad and it is a struggle that never seems to end but it gets better
no problem enjoy the forum

[GradDad]

I appreciate your honesty, and I think it would be really important to seek out professional help. It is certainly normal to contemplate suicide when one is experiencing depression, but that is the depression talking. While it is important to know that you are not alone, I think it would be important to talk with a therapist about your problems as they are trained to help folks who are experiencing exactly what you are experiencing.

[Sherina (:]

thankyou!
i have had numerous psychologists to try and help me deal with my problem, but i honestly don't think i'm willing to fix it.. i never really listen to them so i forget what they say.
a part of me wants to go through with suicide and the other doesn't. i have no idea why this is! maybe it could help to find out through other peoples experiences.

[GradDad]

Do you have a specific plan or have you thought about how you would kill yourself?

[Sherina (:]

well, i plan on doing it sometime before i hit 20, i dont know why though. i've thought about how i would kill myself many times, i usually think of hanging myself or maybe decapitation. if i'm gonna die i atleast want it to be something to be remembered, you know? it might sound crazy i suppose.

[GradDad]

How old are you?
It sounds like you have a pretty clear picture of how you would want to die. Does anyone else know about your intentions?

[Sherina (:]

i'm only 16 and well aware i have much life to live.
i do, at the moment i'm just trying to figure out what i want to do before i die. harder than i thought. No one really knows, i told my parents, but they don't believe me, my friends don't want to hear it.

[GradDad]

I appreciate your honesty. I would also keep looking for someone to talk to, someone who has your best interests in mind, but also someone who will help you understand your wish to die. I imagine that a lot of people would be incredibly saddened by your death.

[Sherina (:]

thank you. i dont know where to look for people to talk to though.

[GradDad]

Here are three possibilities:
1. An adult at your school who you like/trust.
2. Your primary care physician, who might be able to refer you to someone.
3. Google your city/town's name and psychotherapists who work there.
Whatever the case, don't settle for anyone unless you feel comfortable talking to them, which might take some time.
Good luck!