Never been this misrable in my life

[eureka]

Sorry if you hit this thread, it is basically me venting. I am out of ideas of what to do but needed to let these feelings and thoughts out somewhere, because they are eating me alive.

I am a young artist attending school yo study concept art, my days used to start at 11 and I'd happily work till 3-4 am on projects. I was motivated I wanted to learn everything I didn't care about how good I was I just wanted to get better. My head was filled with hopes and aspirations, I loved everybody and no matter what happened I considered everyone talented and deserving of a chance. Now my head is filled with arrogant thoughts and feelings which make me feel like a dirty and disgusting human being. Thoughts of how I will improve, and countless hours spent practicing are filled with hatred and jealousy over my failers and others successes. I don't want to draw and paint. I don't even want to get out of bed. I have become a despicable human being, I hate myself and all that I stand for. I feel as though I am swimming in an ocean, watching the sun hit water and shine through in a beautiful display of lights and colors, I want to reach it so bad. So I start swimming I move slowly but surrounded by friends and it is joyful and happy and fun. But then my friends figure out how to swim better and they surpass me and leave me behind. and I try to catch up I try to figure out what they figured out but I can't, I fall farther and farther down into the sea until I can't see them anymore. and I am filled with anger and jealously at them. Why did they figure it out when I could not? Why can't I what is wrong me? I am no different then them. Then I realize they simply put forth more work then me and I am ashamed. I have become someone that demands rewards with out putting out the work. And yet I can't bring myself to do the work. And I am filled with self-loathing and despair. I want to crush myself into a thousand pieces and build myself up into a new person.

I hate this life and often fantasize that I have died in some horrible way and my funeral is filled with a thousand weeping faces all mourning my death. I then realize I am selfish and despicable for wishing pain on those people. And am vain for assuming I would matter at all, and I am filled with so much loathing and self-hate I want to beat myself into a pulp.

My days are filled with these constant turmoil thoughts, and I want them to stop. They are like nails on a chalkboard, loud and constant, and I just want them to stop. I just want silence again to think, but this silence never comes.

I just want to be happy once more

[Aquila]

There is no one closer to ourselves than ourselves.

It's only up to us to treat ourselves kindly.

Get to know the real you within, and you will know your worth.

Your worth doesn't depend on any externals. It's always there.

Forget what our competitive society teaches us. It never teaches us to find ourselves.

If we find ourselves, we will find that our worth is unconditional and absolute.