My life needs help. All doors shut. Windows with no frame. Constant pain in self for 13 years.

[daytripper]

Hello

This is my first post, so greetings to all of you.
I am a male 27 years old. I have been depressed since I was 14. I started to work after college, when I was 21. Since then, I lost all control of my depression. It took control of me.
I've tried meditation, yoga, antidepressants, sleeping pills, illegal drugs, you name it. I grew sick of those "additives" by the number. I've had a drug problem with alcohol in my teens (16 - 17 years old) and then a marijuana addiction (19 - 25 years old). I have overcome those obstacles with a smile on my face when compared to beating off depression. I also had a small heroin dependency for a couple of weeks, and even that did not compare to anything like this. As you see, I grew fond of the numbness/happiness/oblivion sensations of the drugs. They kept my depression far, far away.
Since I started to work, every year i get at least one major depression. Last year was the worst, in which i spent more than six months lying in my bed staring at the ceiling. I remember very little of it; the moment when I "woke up" from it was July, 2010. Apparently I still managed to go to work, and still mantained a relationship that started when I was 18 to the present day, growing more and more damaged by my depressions.
I've gone to a proper medic; "the best there is", told me my family. She prescribed an antidepressive which i took only once: it caused me to black out and faint in a middle of a shopping center when I was having a walk with my in-laws. Pretty awkward. Never touched them again, it made me feel like a plastic person. No feelings. No fun. No sexual arousal. Dead on the inside, normal on the outside.
I had a friend which had exactly the same symptoms I have, thought pretty much the same things. She commited suicide a couple of weeks ago. Couldn't take it anymore and didn't left a note. I understood everything in the second I knew about it. Everyone, me included, is worried about my depressions, and even if I am not suicidal-oriented, I fear for more episodes of depression, and the lack of answers that I do not have; I wish there was a CURE for it. A pill I took once and never had it again...I wish i could get rid of this constant pain simply by reading a book or taking a cup of coffee.
Can someone point me a way ? A road that you have crossed and led you more far from the sadness ?
I have hobbies; I am a teacher and a locally-known musician who is admired by youngsters not by my looks, but for the music I make; I have a big and beautiful home; I have a nice wife who has supported me througout the years without any return from me....still, I find it not enough. I even find it boring and many times I've tried to leave it all behind...
As you see, I have pretty much everything a person could ask for a normal, regular, even above-the-average life. I simply can't live that life. Please give me advice.
I have to live like this my whole life ?

Thank you for your time.

[oneheavyheart]

Buy all seasons of The Outer Limits and watch them. Then try Twilight Zone.
Those help me. Have you tried writing fiction? Short stories? Let me ask you, do you feel like you have a purpose in this world? I don't know if I have a purpose but I wish I had a backyard which I can dig whenever depression gets a hold of me. Dig as deep as a human can dig. Maybe you can also invest in some sort of a telescope. Maybe you can look at the moon close up and the other planets as well. Or maybe a ham radio. Talk to people on the other side of the planet.
Good luck man.

[daytripper]

as a matter of fact, I have a telescope which I have used to look at the moon, and jupiter, and saturn. I learnt electronics by myself, in which I handbuild radios, and effects pedals for my guitar, which i built myself. I always try to build my stuff, so I can learn something and shut my mind for that time.
it's not enough. i need more. talking to people from the other side of the planet only magnifies my solitude.
thank you for your input.

[gwenngal27]

hello,im newbie in this forum and im glad to be here.

[daytripper]

welcome, then. I'm a newbie myself.

[Colin27]

You said very professional,I will remember










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