im a 19 year old guy who after years of dealing with something i thought was just stupid i went to my doctors and i am and have been suffering with depression. its really difficult for me to admit so i dont talk about it and the only time i do talk about it im making a joke to try and deal with what im thinking. i was in a relationship for 2 years and it had been the first time since i could remember where i was happy without needing or wanting a reason. this relationship ended and it felt like everything that i had been feeling before the relationship had just backed up and it all came flooding back within a week but this time stronger than it ever had been. again i hate talking about it because i feel like people will just think im seeking attention or that hes a teenager hell get over it but im nearly in my 20's and its affecting the things i do. i cant have any close contact with people because im afraid of telling them who i really am and if i do tell them then how they are going to react. if i think about getting involved with a person i break it off the next day. its making it worse. ive never really been the sort of person to think about myself and i sort of try and make myself feel better by helping other people and i will never ask for thanks or any sort of recognition for what i do but i just dont know if this whole karma thing works because it doesnt matter how many people i help or how many good things i do i still spend the day in the same state as i always am. it kinda makes me want to give up entirely, to stop fighting the thoughts in my head and just give in because if nothing because if im only meant to make other people happy and myself have to deal with my mania and my thoughts and to be alone all the time then i really dont know if i want that. i dont know why im posting this online because i dont really know if anyone can help me but this is the first time ive written about how i feel or talked about it fully without side stepping or contradicting myself so i may aswell just post it. cheers