No longer can afford to feel like this...scaring myself

[nellie]

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 8, was on meds for 'bout a month before I gave up on them. Before that, well, lets just say I wasn't very happy. Got screamed and insulted everyday of my childhood, Christmas was the worst. So, yeah, I was a pretty scruwed up kid. And now, I'm very proud to say, that I haven't attempted suicide or cut since I was 17. (I'm now 20) The depression isn't anywhere near as bad as what it was, but it's still there and that scares me because I have a 15 month old daughter to take care of and a full-time job...I can't afford to slip up anymore and I'm terrified that one of these times I'm gonna snap. Before my daughter was born, it was no big deal if I cut or snapped or w/e, but now it is. I don't even know what I have (can't afford a counselor until my work benefits kick in which is in another 2 months)

I over-think everything. If I embarrass myself even slightly, later on when I'm thinking about it I'll randomly start cursing out loud, and I don't even mean to! That really bugs me because my daughter is very advanced for her age and picks up on everything super fast, and I'm terrified that when I accidentally start cursing in front of her, she'll pick it up. Another one is "i hate you i hate you i hate you" It's directed towards myself (no idea why I say this, totally random) but if my little girl hears that when she's a bit older, she'll think I'm talking about her!

Then there's the random crazy urges: My apartment has a balcony that is roughly 6-7 feet up (not very high) and every now and then I'll get some crazy urge to do something like take off my clothes, jump off the balcony and run around screaming. (Never done it, always managed to fight off the urge) And then there's the totally random suicidal urges: I'll be just chillin and totally out of the blue I'll have the most extreme urge to kill myself. There's extremely low-confidence, and the paranoia: when I'm walking by myself, I am 100% convinced that everyone is secretly looking at me and talking and laughing about me. When I'm walking with a friend, it's still there, just not as bad.

I don't know what to do. I know I'm a complete nut case, but I can't afford counseling. Please help! Even if I could get a general idea as to why I feel like this, that`d help out sooo much...I don`t know how much longer I can fight off these insane urges

[Trey]

I just want to first say that I am not a doctor, but I do work in the mental health field as a caseworker. So I have seen a lot and learned a lot about mental health issues.
From what you wrote, it sounds like you could be bi-polar with episodes of mania. Do you ever have stints where you don't sleep for days or gone on very little sleep? The balcony story is definately manic behavior. People that have bi-polar also tend to have anxitey, which could be where the paranoia of people staring at you comes from. Bi-polar also has depression symptoms. I know you said you were dx with depression at 8 but gave up on the meds. That is most likely because you are bi-polar and so they weren't working for you. It's almost impossible to dx a child with bi-polar because you need a manic epsiode first, which doesn't usually happen until you're atleast a teenager (with kids its usually just wriiten off as a super hyper kid). Unfortunately, there's not much you can do until your health care kicks in. You should get referred to a mental health agency, because your primary care doctor is not educated in mental health issues so they may not use the correct medications. Luckily for you, most people that are bi-polar lead perfectly normal lives once they find a good combination of mood stablizers and anti-depressants. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE THEM EVERYDAY FOR THEM TO WORK! So once you get into the process of finding the right meds don't give up on them. Everytime you think "I dont need these anymore" or "they're not working" keep taking them anyway until you talk to your doctor next. Think of your daughter and how you want to be there for her and not have to worry about saying something you don't want her to repeat.
For now, I would suggest trying to relax as much as possible. Do things that you enjoy and try to avoid frustrating situations. If you're afraid you're going to jump off your balcony then stay away from it until you can start on medications.

I hope my suggestions help. And remember what I said in the begining, I'm no where near a doctor, I'm just offering support and taking from my own experiences and what I've learned working in this field.