i dont know whats wrong with me

[jc95]

i dont know whats wrong with me or if theres anything wrong with me and this might just be how all other human beings are aswell but im just not as emotionally strong as them and so it feels like theres something wrong with me.
I dont believe in any spirituality i think its pointless and just gives people false hope like i dont understand why people need to have a messiah or spiritual laws and guidelines to live their life by.
Sometimes im perfectly happy and feel like im on top of the world but then at other times i feel like theres no point in anything and that my life has no meaning
I cant sleep unless the temperature is really cold and theres music playing. like no joke i have my windows open and fans on me in winter.
I am overly obsessed with dead grunge rocker kurt cobain like to the point where i want to be him and follow his exact footsteps and even kill myself at 27 so that i dont have to live through the devastation of age.
I often question every little thing in life and have conversations with myself in my head even insulting myself when i say something then think wow that was a pussy move and call myself a faggot in my head and stuff.
Sometimes i dont even believe that there is such thing as death or even life and sometimes that im the only one who is actually living and everyone else is just there like in my head or are just there without their own minds they just are as the world wants them to be.
i often dont get to sleep until 3am not because of lack of trying but because i just cant, i sit in bed for hours just trying to make my mind go blank so i can sleep but i cant because i keep thinking of things and questioning myself and replaying events in my head.
I am deadly self conscious of my body not because im fat or skinny but because i have extremely oddly shaped ribcage. the whole right ribcage protrudes like a few inches further out from my body than the left rib cage and there is a big dip in the lower right of my right ribcage.
I often contemplate what would happen if i killed myself and go over methods in my head and just wander and wander what will happen after ive done it like whats next after im dead? does my mind just terminate? do i die and go to hell for not believing in god? Somehow i always have a feeling that I will just float around in my body in eternal blackness just weightlessly floating, no company, nothing else but me just me and my mind.
I am really confused. what the fuck is wrong with me?

[kashmir]

You sound so much like me. Literally about 9/10 of the stuff you've said relates exactly to me.

I dunno, I do think there's probably a lot of things wrong with the both of us, but imo the flaws in humanity, and the flaws in society are what are breeding the messed up individuals like us.

Kurt Cobain rules man, I always figured if I hadn't offed myself by 27, that'd be the ripe age for it.

[NewieKay]

Why do you think 27 is a ripe age for it?

[kashmir]

it's all downhill from 27.

[NewieKay]

it's all downhill from 27.

I don't mean to dwell on it, but I'm 28 and am really interested in why it's downhill after 27. Why 27? What happens at 27? Can you expand at all with any sort of reason? Thanks.

[kashmir]

oh dude dont take me too seriously, really, im naive and immature.

i guess for me it's just it is by that time people generally have some dull job they don't particuarly like, they'll probably get married soon and get sick of their spouses in time, and have kids and then get old and die. i dont see the appeal in it.

[confused117]

I often question every little thing in life and have conversations with myself in my head even insulting myself when i say something then think wow that was a pussy move and call myself a faggot in my head and stuff.

I do the exact same thing (usually stupid, dumb, fucking idiot, and cursing myself) i hate it and i am not sure if this is a schizoid personality trait or if it is another side effect of major depression. either way, it is a very uncomfortable feeling not being able to control your own thoughts. It is exhausting and sometimes i feel as though my brain is constantly arguing with itself and i am dead in the middle. I do understand, unfortunately i do not have an answer for what is wrong with either of us. but if you get some better feedback, let me know!!

i often dont get to sleep until 3am not because of lack of trying but because i just cant, i sit in bed for hours just trying to make my mind go blank so i can sleep but i cant because i keep thinking of things and questioning myself and replaying events in my head.

This is also another issue that you and I have in common. Although, i dont usually experience trouble sleeping because the ongoing thinking, replaying moments in my head from days weeks months or years ago, and constantly questionig myself and the motives of other people is so exhausting.
im not sure if it is anxiety that causes this overthinking and overanalyzing trait or if it is the other way around. again, no answer, but i will let you know if i find one!

I often contemplate what would happen if i killed myself and go over methods in my head

6 out of 10 times usually something bad (well in my head) has happened for me to WANT to commit suicide, but when i do, i am thinking of all different ways, times, and places in which i can accomplish this.
Thinking about my mother, although makes me upset, is what helps me cope with these scary suicidal ideas. my concentration moves from all about me from ways in which i can help her survive her depression and alcholism. Thank you for reading my reply, stay positive, and.. calling the kettle black but you should at least live till 30, the love of my life is 29 and i am so happy he is here!

[jc95]

sometimes i have these really selfish dark thoughts aswell like oh i wish someone close to me would be dead so that i could do something or get attention from somone then after thinking it i sort of slap myself in the face and think wow really i just thought that? and think about how devastated i would actually be if said person died.

sorry to bump up an old thread im just in one of those moods