It's over

[rara]

I've been living with my boyfriend for a year and 2 months and his depression is slowly getting worse. He's had plans for suicide for a while and he's a compulsive liar about money and his happiness (as in he says he's fine for money when he's not, to the extent that I thought he was going to work for the last month and he wasn't, and he says he's okay when he feels terrible.) For a month he's been going to the doctors and he's on a medication called Sertraline and now he wants to be on his own. He asked me to move out yesterday. He says he loves me but he needs time to be on his own to fix himself before he can be in a proper relationship with someone. This I agree with.

I'm just worried about him. I'm worried he's getting me out of the way so he can end it. I'm worried because he hasn't been to work for a month so he has no money. His student loan should come on Monday but if it doesn't he will have no money. I'm worried because he's on his own with no friends other than me in a strange country with no family.

And all of that's even before how much the thought of not being with him, not living with him, not waking up with him takes me over.

I just didn't see this coming. It's completely blindsided me. I feel sick. Part of me wants to run back home and pretend the last two years never happened, part of me wants to hang on to him in case I'm abandoning him when he needs me most. And he keeps telling me he loves me, we shared a bed and cuddled last night just like we always do. I know, rationally, his need to create a stable life for himself without intertwining it with mine is a wise, and adult, decision to make. But I'm so frightened he's going to hurt himself.

What a fucking mess.

[briansmall]

Ah hon, thats a damn rough spot to be in!! First off, when he says he needs to fix himself, please tell him that hes not broken!! I had to come to that realization and its a tough one, realizing you are ill and not broken, that it can be ok, and that you are ultimately ok! He has to make his choices, as you have to make yours. I think if I was in your shoes, I would sit down and tell him flat out how you feel and what you are thinking. That you love him, and are afraid he is planning something totally stupid, like ending his life. Tell him if he chooses that route exactly what it will do to you, how you will feel, and the guilt. If nothing else, he will know that you care, and that it will destroy you, or atleast live with you forever. Be dramatic but in a subtle loving way! Maybe you can reach into where he is hiding and slowly get him to see the results of all choices he is making. Play on the guilt of his family being so far away from him and not seeing them again, not giving them a chance to say goodbye. Most of all make sure he knows how much you love him, and how special he is....

[Cia]

I hope things get better. I know you liked him a lot. Does he take medications for his depression?

[rara]

Yes, he takes Sertraline 50mg daily.

Things got worse, though I didn't see how it would happen. He vomited all day yesterday but at 9pm the vomit turned to look like coffee grounds and had blood in it. He was in severe chest pain and I called an ambulance. We went to hospital and they did lots of tests and things and it turns out he's probably diabetic. As I understand it, this is what happens: when the blood sugar is very high the body burns fat to survive, but this causes acid to be created, which is vomited. But vomiting means you get very dehydrated, so the body burns more fat, which creates more acid, so it's a vicious circle.

They've hooked him up to an insulin infuser - he was on 6ml per hour but now he's on 4 - and a lot of IVs for fluids. I'm going back to see him this afternoon - they kicked me out at 4am - but he's going to have to stay in at least another night if not more. Tomorrow I'm meant to be moving out.

How can I leave him like this? Even if he wants to be on his own? He would never have called an ambulance last night, and he never gives the doctor the full story (well he did once, in A&E, but he always downplays his symptoms.) What about my peace of mind, doesn't that count for anything? Last night I asked him if he wanted me to stay and he said 'whatever you want babe' and turned over. I know, he was in a lot of pain and hadn't slept for 48 hours so he wasn't exactly his normal self, but he was like a different person.

I hate all this. How do you deal with being person type X - wanting to hold somebody's hand and support them in everything you do until they're better - when the person you want to support is person type Y, and really just wants to be left alone?

[bladed]

Sometimes you have to just let someone know you are concerned and then let them do what they want.

[Timothy]

You are in a very shitty spot and you have my complete sympathy. On one hand you love him and want to protect him but on the other he needs time to fix up his life and get his stuff together. I really cannot advise you on whether or not you are doing the right thing because either way it is the right thing to do. You can't make this decision based of rational, because depression is far from rational. If i were you, i wouldn't leave him in a time like this. You need to intervene in his life and ensure he has a reason to keep on going and that you are able to help get him on track. If his depression is as severe as you describe, i would suggest that you maybe get it increased because 50mg really is not that big of a dose. Some doctors really don't know how to treat mental illnesses. You need to help to add some stability to his life, and maybe consider having him go to a clinic of some sort such as a rehab clinic so that he can be around professionals who will help to get him on track. This is just one of the option you have, this doesn't have to be your responsibility, there are others out there to help people such as your boyfriend.

I wish you all the luck and hope that the situation gets better for both of you.