Complexities of love

[briansmall]

Struggling with getting my head together
I have been with my partner for a bit over 8 years now and in all honesty we have both been depressed all that time. Some time ago (c.2yrs) she began to get worse, or maybe it was me who started, we became static and distant - its not that we stopped loving each other, we just weren't communicating any more, the affection and passion were hidden and at first we didnt notice.
Then I did the unforgivable, I fell in love with someone else. I didn't and haven't fallen out of love with her. We talked about it, but she couldn't/wouldn't believe or understand what was happening - she gave me permission to continue and then when it was far too late for all our emotions freaked out. Rows and suicide attempts followed all round, both my partners are now on meds. I understand and respect her decisions just as she knows why I made mine and begins now to know how I feel. We have now negotiated our triad for a year and though it is difficult it actually works because it requires honesty and openness and intimacy (not necessarily in a sexual way).
What I am struggling with (and why I gave you that much info) is that during some of the worst parts of my wife's depression (pre-meds) she was very aggressive verbally -only once physically- nothing damaging, nothing even to make me feel un-cared for, but enough to combine with my lack of self-worth to make me nervous about certain things. I am terrified of upsetting her, partly with regard to our agreed parameters with my other relationship, but sometimes just with saying the wrong thing or not paying attention to her desires. I am looking for advice for finding the balance between helping her needs both in a simple relationship sense and in a making her feel valued way without me being frightened to express anything.
i Know that my reactions to her moods dont make her feel more secure, and that I panic and flinch in memory of how she sometimes reacted without good cause. I want to not feel nervous of the person I love because actually I trust her. The things I am frightened of are symptoms of her depression and symptoms largely held at bay by the meds - all of which are exacerbated by my own depressive lack of self and continued by them.
How do you get over that feeling?

[risdernip]

I guess, as with most things in relationships, communication is the key and talking to her about it, maybe asking her what you can do, is probably the way forward. Of course, that requires a leap of faith on your part and the risk of upsetting her, I'm not sure how you get round that.

It might be useful to have a read over some of her posts on the old board, give me a PM if you need pointed in the right direction

[brgrown]

I think it's important to always share with loved one's how their behavior is impacting on you and vice versa. Your wife may or may not sense that you are fearfull of her reactions in certain situations but it is important (if you can) to sit down with her and share honestly your fears. It's not about blaming her or having a go, more just letting her know and seeing if there is anything she can do to ease your unease.

If she loves you I would imagine that she would want to know if you are struggling with some aspects of your relationship. Obviously it's very important that you own your own stuff, which sounds like you do anyway with your obvious self-awareness.

Being poly can be complicated and that aspect of your relationship may be adding a whole host of insecurities for your wife. I know it can be very hard, but mabey try and encourage her to speak openly about how she feels about it, how she feels it may affect the way she treats you. For all you know there may be things that you might be able to do to ease any discomfort she may be feeling.

Communication is the key ok.

wishing you well

[briansmall]

Thankyou for your thoughts
I absolutely agree that communication is the key - we could never have got to this point without it (though let me be honest we have also messed it up terribly too) - I guess I have found it really difficult to tell her I am afraid. Expressing myself is difficult in general and admitting I am afraid was really hard but doing it here first helps and it is now something we can work on together. I just wish I knew how not to withdraw when I am low.. still so far to go
Thanks guys