just feel out of control

[lisamarie]

Hi all, I know that I am repeating myself here and shouldn't and let other people post instead of taking up all of everyone's time and effort here for support. I just feel everything spinning out of control. I ate last night...actually was allowed to go to my granddaughter's birthday dinner....and I gained 2 lbs. I told my doctor that when I get to my goal weight, I don't think I can stop starving myself. I get so upset when I weigh myself and see I have gained any weight. I am at a point where I want to wear children's clothing as I lose weight because I feel like a child part inside that is 3-4 years old. I have so many body issues that children who are very young have even when they go to the bathroom. In addition, I feel unable to handle any adult issues. And I feel like a whore who played with my barbies and Ken dolls just having sex when I was a child and even though I was also so young, I wanted to have sex with men. Years later, I know that I was molested by my brothers. But I don't know what is real and what isn't as far as alot of my early years in what little I remember. Even now, the line between reality and unreality blur for me alot. When I saw my granddaughters last night, I was able to tell them I love them so much and will forever and ever. My granddaughter said that she wanted to come to our home, and I almost started crying...I could not respond to her comment at all because she does not know that it is not allowed anymore. And I knew that that may be the last time I see them. My daughter and son-in-law made that clear to my husband. It is a bittersweet thing. I came home so sad and crying as usual. And I have had the urge to just mutilate my private areas of my body so that not only can nobody hurt me again...I think I was in some way...and also that my body cannot have normal body functions that freak me out. I mean, I have always felt so ashamed that I had sex with even my husband because I am not supposed to be sexual in a child's mind, and when I got pregnant years ago with each of my children, it was a mixed blessing. I was happy to be pregnant, but it was also proof that I did those things. Now my husband won't even touch me..when I threw my daughter and her family out, he told me that he did not want sex anymore. We had just started to do that stuff again. I feel so dirty that I try to scrub it away and can't. And I just feel so angry with myself also and guilty and so bad as a person that I don't want to exist at all. I cannot describe how badly I feel inside to my doctor because it is beyond words and I can't separate anything that I feel. Not just mentally, but physically also. I asked him to no longer ask me how much I weigh. And I know that it is a problem with me now. It is just like all of the other things that I do to my body that I cannot stop. I asked him if I choose to be this way..he said no. But I wonder alot of the time. Why is it that other people who are bipolar and have PTSD and all of these obsessive compulsive things I do to my body seem to be able to pick up and do something with their lives when I have ruined and wasted all of my life and the people in it and am nothing but a burden who is not getting better...everything just keeps piling onto my heap. I told him once again how afraid I am that he is going to give up on me just as everyone else has and get angry and when he takes vacations, I feel as if he is going to die or never return. He just keeps reassuring me that he isn't going anywhere. And he isn't going to give up on me. Yet, I have given up on myself. And I am so ashamed of everything I do to myself. Overdosing or stepping in front of a train seems like a very mild thing compared to what I feel and do to myself. I am afraid that if I start cutting and burning the private areas of my body, I will not be able to stop that either this time. It has been years since I've done that. And it was in areas that were clearly visable..this time, it wouldn't be. But I am also afraid of getting an infection if I start doing that and I know that I would not get it treated because I will not face the humiliation of seeing another doctor and trying to explain everything. When I was cutting and burning before, I actually lit my clothes on fire. When the pain got too bad, I got into the shower..burning clothes and all. I actually wanted to hurt as bad physically as I did mentally. I also used to try to choke myself to death by wrapping belts around my neck and hang it from whatever I could in the bathroom...the pain was incredible in my head and I could see my face turning purple, but I was pissed because I could still get air. I did alot of things that were self-destructive that nobody knows about except for some of it with my doctor. I feel like I am back at that place..unable to speak like I was as a child. unable to handle any of the heap of feelings I have. Unable to do anything but harm myself in some way without it being too noticable that would put me in the hospital. I keep those thoughts to myself because I will not go back into the hospitals around here..they are horrible places that even can't give you meds on time including my insulin and inhalers. One place actually refused to give me my inhalers because I smoke. The other place kept forgetting my insulin and would just say, oh well, we'll do it next time before the next meal. And they would notice that I am not eating enough. I have no use for places like that that actually make you suicidal instead of helping you. They are simply holding pens that don't feel safe because patients are more violent and the staff argues with each other and walks around angry and ignores patients and there are no longer any programs within the hospitals here to do any kind of therapy..the only thing they do is give you a few minutes with a stupid psychiatrist who knows nothing about you and messes with your meds. They don't give me my inhalers as often as I am prescribed on the outside nor enough insulin. And they frequently don't carry the medications I take and try to replace it with something similiar that I react differently to. Anyway, I just still feel so hopeless and out of control and scared. I wish they could all crawl into my head so that they could see and feel what I do and I wouldn't have to try to figure out how to say it or try to speak to begin with and be unable to do any of it. They would be able to tell me what is going on with me all the way around and why I do what I do and feel the way I feel and how to stop all of it, I guess. That's what I want, but it isn't possible. Hey, at this point, I feel like telling them to do a lobotomy. Maybe I should have been born in the old days when they did that shit. I've always asked my doctors why they didn't hand out magic wands in medical school. Makes perfect sense to me. Well, I'm done venting and whining and telling you my most horrible secrets. I know that some of you understand this stuff. But nobody else does and I can't tell them. Thanks for all of your support

[cakefan]

Yes I've often wanted a lobotomy myself...my therapist assures me that is not the way to go, but I don't know. I'm reading a really interesting book called " My Stroke of Insight", about a doc who had a stroke. She described how she lost different functions and memories/behaviors, and had to make a decision on what part of her past personality she wanted back. It's interesting because I kept thinking that I'd love to be able to do that. To forget certain memories/behaviors etc. and start fresh. You mentioned talking about this (feelings of disgust/self injury etc ) with your doc in the past, do you think you could tell them that you are facing this again? It makes sense that all of these issues would increase after being in the position of seeing your granddaughter...not knowing if that will be the last. That has to tap into all of that pain. My hope is that you share this with your doc or therapist.
Stay safe...sending thoughts of well being your way,