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Hi again...seems like this is getting old and I am repeating myself alot here. I again tried to write to my daughter concerning seeing my granddaughters. She went on the say that I was like a meth head...I take sustained Morphine for pain...so basically every hour, I have maybe 2 mg. in my system..it does not make me high in any way or really do much for my pain except for the fibromyalgia and neuropathy..not for the spine. She also said that I was violent and that she is protecting her daughters from me...I do NOT know where that is from...she is another world herself if you ask me. And that all I do is think about myself..if that were the case, I wouldn't feel so devastated by not being able to see my granddaughters or even her ever again. She thinks I am demented and a complete waste case and that I lie to my husband to make him think I am right about everything...I don't lie to my husband at all...her has heard everything verbatum and has read her email responses to me. He says she has problems and he wishes he could tell her it was either both of us being able to see the girls or neither of us, but does not want to cut off contact completely...I agree with him..even if I cannot ever see them again, which seems to be the case, at least he can see if they are okay and being taken care of. And he can express our love for them. I will never, however get over it. I will probably never enter that room in my house again..it just hurts too damn much. I think about how worthless I feel and how I have chased alot of people away even though some of the stuff was well intentioned. And I feel so much self hatred. My doctors know of my continued thoughts of going to the train tracks and standing in front of a train...however, I am so disconnected from life still and when I'm not, I simply don't focus long enough on anything to make that decision...I only think, damn, it is too late when I hear one going through. I know in my mind at that time that I could never walk there quickly enough to get in front of one. And I feel conflict when I have these thoughts. A part of me is hanging on, and the rest of me is wondering why. I think it is my husband and therapist. If I lose them, I will die. And part of me knows that eventually my death will be by suicide. I don't know why I say that..it just seems inevitable with the way my whole life has gone. I also have been dealing with alot of childhood issues that were brought up with the stuff with my daughter, although I do not know why, but it is so hard to talk. I talked to my therapist/doc, and had asked if he was okay with my writing when I cannot talk much. He said he is glad to because he knows where I am at from week to week and it is better to know than to not have any idea because I cannot talk much. I started to cry today in our session...first time in months. And just was able to tell him that I felt I should have been able to take the abuse I was going through when they lived here than what it is like now being not allowed to ever see my granddaughters again. That is hell and it will not get better or go away or change any. The depression is so deep. I have been close to this for so many years, but this is the worst I have ever felt. I truly feel hopeless and alone and don't have a clue how to handle all that is in my mind at this point. It just seems like so much that I don't know how to handle any of it. Talking is still so hard and I only get a few words in, which is just a beginning I guess since it is the first time I have spoken at all in months. Usually it has been a nod of the head or complete silence. My therapist/doc is very supportive and says good things and encouraging things to me, but I don't believe him...very few people anymore think anything good about me. I seem to chase away everyone and can't figure out why. I recently lost a "close" friend because I wrote an email to her telling her I was worried about when I talked to her and she sounded so drugged, or incoherant, or falling asleep mid-sentence while we were talking and then her telling me she has to drive somewhere. I told her I was afraid she was going to end up with a DUI or dead or kill someone else. She responded angrily and has cut me off of her email, phone, and I guess has now changed her cell phone after I left a message telling her I wanted to resolve this. We were friends for years. She had said that it seemed I didn't want to talk anymore..part of that is true because I have been so shutdown, but alot of it is that I haven't wanted to talk to someone who isn't making sense and is falling asleep on the phone or slurring every word. During those phone calls, I have just told her to go lie down and take a nap or something like that. Until I wrote that email, I just tried to listen as best I could given the circumstances. She said that maybe it was MY meds causing her to sound that way and she had no problem. I told her I am barely taking any meds at this point and I did not believe I was off about the problem and I had only written it because I cared and worried about her. I guess our friendship is over. It hurts as does everything else, and I just feel like a send out hate me messages or something. I rarely talk about myself except for here and occasionally I will tell my husband a little of how I feel about some things that I feel will not stress him out, but I don't tell him about the suicidal thoughts or just how bad I am right now. I don't want him to worry or hurt or anything. I love him..one thing my daughter said is that I only care about myself and nobody else. That is so untrue. I love my family even her despite how she is so hateful and vindictive and is seeing things through this sick view of me and does not take any personal responsibility for her own actions. But I don't write anything like that back to her..it would only make things worse and I don't want to get into a back and forth fight like we did when she lived here. My son and my husband had thought that her allowing her father to see the girls was a start..it wasn't except for my husband..he believes that she is still trying to divide us, but does not feel he can do anything about it since his main concern is the girls...I agree with that completely. She is 27, and is acting like a child..much like she acted as a teenager...very manipulative and twists things to suit her needs and objectives...well, if she set out to make me feel as much hurt as possible, she has accomplished it completely. All of my joy is gone completely...I only feel hell now. And that has been the majority of my life...several things happened when I was a child and at 46 years old, I feel like that child who could not stop what was happening to me then. I know that I am not a child, but what is coming through is my child parts inside who are scared and cry all of the time. I have several parts inside..the older ones just say, "die". The little ones are very emotional and scared. The older ones I hate. The younger ones, I feel alot and feel little alot. And for the last three days, I have either been asleep for the majority of it or have been totally disconnected and unaware of anything around me or of thoughts of any kind....just plain in a place that I do not remember or I guess have any emotions..it has been like this for months also, but I had a little more time of awareness than the last three days..and also when I start writing stuff down, I have to suddenly throw up. I haven't been able to remember to drink fluids..the only thing I've done is to increase the calories of the two nutrition drinks I have each day just to get my doctors off of my case. So far, I have lost around 90 lbs., and plan to lost another 75 or so...that would make me light enough to have to be tied down on a windy day. I don't care really. I can't eat. I look at food and it just makes me feel sicker. And I have no appetite..I force down those nutrition drinks and take my meds with them. And mainly to keep myself from passing out like I feel like constantly. Anyway, this is rambling again..just venting my own personal hell. I know many of you understand. I know that this is one place where I am not alone. I just wish I could climb into this computer and be with you guys in person. But hey, I am not that far gone to know that is impossible...I'll let you know if that changes...lol.
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