I have plummeted

[Calvin]

Jesus I am so sick of trying hard to do all I can to help myself - daily workouts, decent diet, taking meds regularly, seeing people when I'm up to it - but oh no still my mood is not controlable. What is the point...what is the point. I just want to enter a dark cave, seal it up behind me and lay down and die. There just isn't any point anymore.

Family stuff haunts and haunts and haunts me. Childhood agony never goes away, the anger, guilt, shame, frustration and the legacy it leaves today. I'm just so sick of it all. I got drunk a couple of nights ago as I'd had enough. I feel like doing the same tonight despite knowing it will only make matters worse.

If I had a partner I would proberly just seek out lovely hugs and kisses for the evening. That would be nice and much more my preference than alcahol. But no, I'm just too dam mad to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Having multiple personality disorder and mild aspergers just doesn't make me very love-able (even though I can feel my loveliness sometimes). I just don't think I was made properly...so I just spend my days sqawking about football.

Oh well...

bye

[KingTut]

I can related to how you feel in doing all you can to get better, to feel better and yet keep sliding back down. I think your expressing your frustrations and venting is a good thing but try and not do anything destructive. I know, easier said then done. Hang in there and I hope things turn for the better soon.

[Devon]

We will love you and you can learn to love yourself.
I've been suffering from being an ego maniac with an inferiority complex. Sort of "reverse egotism" where I just hate myself sometimes. But i can be helpful to people and that is what i'm supposed to do.
I think you're a lovely person.

[Avalanche]

I understand where you are at. I feel that most days in a sense. Tonight is a bad one for me. I hope that things improve for all of your efforts. Good things sometimes just don't seem like enough when we try so hard. I understand that completely. Hope you hang in there. Alcohol is not the answer...it is a depressant even if it numbs us temporarily...I know because when I first started my depression..after everyone went to sleep, I started drinking every single night and would just sit there and cry for hours until I passed out. That continued for awhile even though I was in therapy, but the depression just wasn't ending. And I have to admit I wasn't trying either because I just felt totally hopeless and too stuck in my past that I could not get past...in alot of ways, I am still there. I hope for you.

[Jeremy]

Please don't despair and abuse your body (alcohol). Try and focus on things that make you feel good and treat yourself to something nice and not destructive.

I've seen your cheerful moments in my short time on here and am looking forward to more
of those.

Hang in there dear, you're a fighter. Everything will be all right, you'll see.

[Maggie]

I'm so sorry that you are having a tough time. It seems like you have some great insight though as to what is going on...that is so important. I do hope you can see that as a positive. It sounds like you have a great regimen, something I just stink at holding. I'm trying to get back in the saddle there with meditating, exercising, eating well etc. ...I pretty much let that totally go over the winter. It was like those 3 months didn't even exist almost (Nov. - Jan.). I'm not much of a drinker, but did have my 1st several beers in a long time a week ago. It was to much, and while it did help me feel better initially, the night ended with things crashing that much harder emotionally. So of course to echo everyone else who has so wisely said this...that is just not a good game plan. You knew that though I know. Please keep fighting...you are very much worth it. I forget, do you have someone to talk to about your frustrations/goals etc? It really does help me to have a decent therapist...especially in keeping track of my accomplishments, no matter how small/insignificant they seem to me. Anyway...I hope you start to feel better...you have a lot of people here rooting for you .

[mybodymyself]

Calvin,

Hows are you doing since your 1st posted this here?