I'm really tired; You will be too if you manage to read all this

[BlueEyes]

I'm in my early 20s and it feels like I'm fighting this sisyphean task that just manages to get harder and heavier to deal with every passing day. The worst part of it all is I sometimes don't feel like I have anything really legitimate to feel bad about: unlike a lot of people (some that I've known quite personally), I don't have any single terrible event in my past like an abusive childhood history, or a rape, or drug addiction or really anything of the sort. I have an absolutely awful relationship with my family and they are pretty shitty individuals, but as compared to a lot of other people I guess I can't really complain that much. Just chalk it up to "some people just don't get along and shouldn't live together".

I've always been pretty high functioning despite my depression, for a long time I didn't even consider that I was depressed even though I realized that I didn't seem to really enjoy things the way everyone else did. I wasn't really satisfied with my life, but I was working hard trying (supporting myself with a full time job and night classes since high school) to change that. I wasn't happy, but who would be in that situation? I wasn't depressed if I was responding normally to a ridiculous situation, I'd tell myself.

I had a long time friend , let's call her Sam, who had been struggling with sever clinical depression since her early teens, and for almost 10 years I'd watch her ups and downs with it, I'd try to help her on those days when she was down she couldn't even get out of bed. I wasn't anything like that, clearly I couldn't be depressed, I'd tell myself. She succeeded in taking her own life in the spring of this year. Though rationally I know I shouldn't feel responsible, I can't shake a crushing sense of guilt that I failed her.

In 2008, managing the balance between work and school was finally starting to take its toll. I went from doing both almost full time to both part time to neither at the end of the year. I'd always been a light sleep but as I did less of both, it became increasingly difficult for me to fall/stay asleep. My insomnia became so bad that for almost 6 months I never managed to sleep more than 4 hours at a time, even with strong prescription sleep aids. I felt like a zombie: but still, I tried to keep up my social activities and exercise, anything to tire me out and keep me from focusing just how messed up I was.

This last year has just been awful, and part of the reason for that is that it started so well. I met someone in early January that for the first time in my life really made me realize just how much I'd been missing out on. I was actually enjoying sex for a change and finally felt like I had a real, intimate connection with someone, something I'd been craving for years. Despite being young and healthy, throughout that relationship I struggled with some pretty severe sexual dysfunction. I was absolutely all over the map: sometimes I wouldn't get hard for no reason, if I did, most of the time I wouldn't climax. Though my sleep schedule became more regular, I'd still have sleep paralysis episodes, frequent nightmares and would often be woken up in the middle of the night by my partner concerned about me. Oddly, I was still happier than I'd ever been: for once I had someone important in my life _now_, not as a goal for a few years down the road after I got the rest of my life in order. As time progressed, my difficulties lessened and my sleep improved but it was a slow going process.

I started seeking real treatment for depression related illnesses shortly after I started seeing her. I didn't want anything to mess up our relationship and I wasn't going to let embarassment or pride get in the way of getting better. The anti depressants had very little effect. I tried including my partner in my treatment and as supportive and wonderful as she was about everything for many months, eventually she just had enough and left me. The circumstances are fairly complicated, but it was a very sudden turn around. Though we've both made some weak attempts at repairing things, it's plain as day that she won't entertain the idea of a relationship again. I hate that I still want her after everything, even when after the way she treated me the last few months we were together I have absolutely no reason to.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, but I just needed to tell this to somebody before the year came to a close. I have a few close friends and they know all the details of these specific incidents and the many more I have not shared here, but I'm very careful about keeping just how much this weighs on me a secret. I don't really want to lose them the way I've lost others to this illness. I'm just starting to feel like I should accept that may some people don't get to be happy. I don't want that, but it sure seems easier than fighting against something I can't seem to make progress against.

[briansmall]

Thank you for your honesty. It's ok to admit you feel like you ran out of options and are unhappy. I think it is really important to tell somebody (like us) how you are feeling. I wish it didn't have to be such a secret from those around you. I believe that, paradoxically, we move closer to happiness by admitting and confronting the fact that we are not happy. Once that admission is made, the way forward is open.