Lost Love

[Tank]

I'm posting here because I've just lost my relationship to the love of my life, who told me she was leaving because I was too cynical and dark- I feel depression has taken her from me, which is ironic since she had a period of depression herself. This is more than I probably had any business writing for a first post- but I am interested as to whether anyone has lost a significant other who had depression him/herself but nevertheless left because of your symptoms. I'm crushed over losing her and I'd feel a lot better if I knew I had some company.

[dantheman]

Tank;

I can't say exactly that someone I loved left me due to my depression, even though they suffered from it as well, (that is ironic), but I CAN say that I envy you in a way. Maybe that will make you feel better. It's said that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Not only haven't I had a relationship, or sex, but I haven't even had a date in over 15 years.
In my early 20's I dated quite a bit. Being attractive and funny, it was no problem picking people up. Then, when my illness manifested itself, suddenly there was no second date. Many times there was never even a first. I apparently said something or did something odd, and they decided not again.
The ache and pain of loneliness are things I live with day after day. Even so, I long ago gave up on having a relationship.
You see, I have a great deal of difficulty coping with reality. By that I don't mean I think I'm Napoleon or anything. I mean that, in addition to my illnesses, I am developmentally disabled, and find the basics of living (paying bills, managing a schedule, dealing with things at work) to be very hard to cope with.
I don't even have a license, as I am such a horrible driver (accidents and tickets up the wazoo when I had one).
So here I am, middle aged, and working as a janitor (as a job more suited to my intelligence would involve very complex thinking that is above me) and riding back and forth to work on a bike. Yeah, I'm a real catch. And what am I going to say to some prospective partner?
Oh, it's okay, I know, 40 and riding a bike back and forth to work cleaning toilets, but you see, that's only 'cause I'm mentally ill.
Yeah, they'll be lining up around the block for that.
Then you've got foolish but well meaning therapists saying "Now don't assume women won't go out with you because you don't drive and clean toilets for a living, all due to mental illness."
Anyway, I just wanted to show you that there's always someone worse off than you. Not in a gloating way, but when I hear about someone worse off than me, it always makes me feel better.
And think about this: if even after experiencing depression herself, she would leave you because of your depression, doesn't sound like she was a very sympathetic or empathic individual, and, as much of a cliche as it is, you really probably are better off without her.
It's also another cliche, but there are many, many, many other people out there. Some women like cynical and dark. Keep looking!

[TraversD]

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened, breakups are always hard, and then combined with depression it can be a lot to deal with. i also just wanted to say that it's OK that your first post is writing about what happened to you. We're all at different places as far as our mental health is concerned, sometimes we give support, sometimes we receive it. where ever you're at on that spectrum is O.K.

I haven't been in the situation you're in right now as far as a romantic relationship, but I have noticed that a lot of times when a person's behavior bothers me, it's because it reminds me of behavior of my own that I don't like. Sometimes it's easier to point to flaws in another person rather than take an honest look at myself. I don't know if that's what happened with your ex, but it's maybe something to think about. Whatever the case, i'm glad you're here to get some support as you go through this tough time.

[briansmall]

The irony -- yeah. Then again, with this illness, we have to live with irony on a fairly regular basis, it seems.

Then again, her own illness might have made it harder for her to cope with your symptoms. I think most of us have experienced trouble coping with someone else with MI, the similarities can be triggers. It's all too easy to get sucked into unhealthy patterns and dependencies.

I've been through a couple really brutal breakups, but none because of my depression (the last one was because she has BPD, mostly, my own symptoms were a very minor part of it).

I don't think it matters, whether or not your depression "caused" this breakup, what's important is that you decided to chose the "version" that lets you handle this more easily. If blaming this breakup on the depression is helping you get through the worst of it, good; if it's messing you up, try thinking about it the other way.

I truly do not mean to be condescending here -- I was 54 when I finally found the true love of my life, after breaking up with three women, each of whom I had thought was The One. And what I've discovered is that when you really do find the right one, you'll be accepted as you are, bumps, bruises, scars, tics and and all -- and you'll be doing the same for her. You'll find yours someday, as long as you never stop believing in yourself as a loving person. When it's time, the universe will help you find each other.

For now, just get yourself through the day. Let yourself cry, if you feel the need; I believe that the tears have to come out, and putting it off just makes it worse. And please feel free to post here, as often and as long as you need.

Post length -- not too long at all! If there's an informal post size limit, I've never heard of it, and you probably aren't even up to 10% of it!