Just struggling to keep going

[Christyle]

I know I've been distant, and I'm sorry. I've had a lot going on, and mentally haven't handled everything so well.

I am (finally) taking my meds regularly. It's been six weeks, and I think we've settled on a medication cocktail that works for my depression. It seems to be going okay right now at least. Lamictal + Lithium + Wellbutrin. Now we're working on a med for anxiety because it has been off the charts lately. My life is focused around controlling and handling anxiety. And I can't live like this. We just tried a two-week trial of Lexapro, and after a week of not being able to sleep, which got to the point where I could barely function, I took myself off it. I see the doctor on Tuesday, and I guess we'll try something else.

And I know the anxiety isn't just chemical, although I've had some minor anxiety issues for some time. The reason it's so bad is because the relationship and financial stress right now is more than I can take. But there really is nothing I can do about it. I'm working to get us out of debt, and the relationship is going as smoothly as I can expect. We've been communicating better lately, and doing better overall. There are just some times... that are hard. And I have to work to keep myself together.

I've started withdrawing into this shell, and I'm trying hard not to. I can't go swing dancing anymore, I don't have the energy to plan outings. I force myself to go with friends when they plan something, even though I spend the time wishing I were at home. I've crawled into this pathetic shell of playing World of Warcraft and skimming through homework. That's all I do. And bf and I watch Heroes together, which is our together time.

I don't feel happy, overall. I don't feel much drive or passion or direction. And I don't have a job, since I am struggling to find one in this economy. I had a great one lined up and was so excited about it, then the company enacted a hiring freeze while my paperwork was going through, and now I have nothing. And I have no drive to find one, even though we need the money. I've gotten some references for job openings, and kind of started looking over my resume again, but I haven't done anything about it.

I just feel like I'm floating along, and it makes me very sad. I don't love anything, desire anything, I'm not passionate about anything... and I wonder where my peachy has gone. I miss me.

But I know that overall it could be worse, I am after all surviving. So I have nothing to complain about. It just feels like everything has to be forced. Leaving the house, getting work done, trying to communicate, even eating. One of my meds (not sure which?) makes me have no appetite. I honestly feel like I could stop eating altogether. But I don't. I force myself to eat, even if it's less than what I used to. And yet I still haven't lost weight, lol...

Overall, I just haven't had the energy to do anything. I hope that changes, but I don't know when it will. This is the first time in many months that I have attempted to initiate social interaction. And I can't promise that I'll be around regularly, although I want to be.

Thank you all for listening, this is the first time that I've really been able to say what's happening with me overall. I'm glad someone is there to listen and care. And I wish that I could give back more right now. I care about you all.

[secondchance]

I know you care. Sometimes life is just tough and all i can do roll with the punches and keep on trudging. I sure hope you find some joy somehow soon.
One thing for certain: It will change. it always changes (Life always changes I mean).

[cakefan]

There are days that all we can do is survive. Like they say, they will pass. On the days you can, stretch for more. On the days you can't, it's okay.
I've spent a lot of time like that, too. The only advice I can give is to try and do something, anything. Even if it seems something silly or innane. I'd have to do something to step out of that cycle of home, homework, games, sleep.
I know it feels like the energy isn't there, but it's a negative feedback loop. Even if it's just a little goal, like vacuuming, it'll help. You won't have a passion for vacuuming, but a little push to get in the habit of doing things again never hurts. Maybe you'll think of something that you kind of want to do; don't write it off!
Some days it helps me to cook something that isn't a frozen meal. After all, I have the time and the skillet. Not sure what I'll manage this week, but that's the goal! Maybe if you made something really yummy...