Have found out that I sometimes overstep my bounds

[lisamarie]

Hi all, Most of you know the situation with my daughter. She has allowed me to see the girls three times now....and I hope alot more as I am attending my granddaughte's T-ball games. It is a precious time for me. Today, however, I was tallking to my oldest son about a coment he made about my son-in-law being a good father...I said, not he isn't. And that my son did not live here with us to see the things that he did to the girls. My son did not say anything at that time, but later said that I was putting him in the middle and criticizing my son-in-law all of the time. The only other time I mentioned my son-in-law was last week when I told my son that I and my husband had said hi to our son-in-law at our granddaughte's birthday party..he obviously reacted with anger. So, we left him alone and did not speak to him again. My son got upset and told me not to even attempt to say anything to him at this point because it would only make things worse. So, I think that my son is overreacting when he say I "always" criticize my son-in-law. I just told our son today that my husband and I feel like he should take a long walk off of a short dock. We both want nothing to do with him, but will be polite towards him when we are around him and will not cause any problems. Maybe the guy has changed since they moved out, but he has been this way since we have known him so I doubt that he has changed any because he is not the type of person to ever look inside himself and ask himself what he is doing to make any situation worse...he just blames everyone else and does not think about his role in things. So, I set my son straight on how I and my husband felt about his parenting skills and the type of person he has always been with us. I now believe I should have kept my mouth shut..My son is very critical towards me alot, and when I speak my mind, it does create problems for us, so the best thing I could have done is ignored his comment and made some other supportive statement about my son-in-law whether I felt it or believed it or not. I am certainly not out to create more animosity with anybody. Just had to open my mouth as usual about what I feel. Oh, well, The damage is done, and I asked my son not to spread what I said to my daughter or her husband to make things worse. I just need to keep my mouth shut in the future.

[Caddy]

Honestly, I would have trouble keeping my mouth shut. I understand that you don't want to stir things up and cause conflict, but I don't think that telling your son something you don't believe should be necessary. If he brings up your son in law, maybe you can just stay silent or say, "You know my opinion about him, so maybe we shouldn't talk about him."

[lisamarie]

I agree that I should not talk to my son about this. He was not here to see the abuse that my son-in-law did to our granddaughters. Maybe my son-in-law has changed since they moved out, but I seriously doubt it. I think that he does put up the appearance of being a good father in front of other people and I know that he does take his daughters fishing, which is a good thing in the last respect. But my husband and especially I witnessed too much stuff while they were here that I don't think my son-in-law could change unless he got help. And he would never do that because it is everybody else's fault, including his daughters. I know that some other people have witnessed the same things over the years that my son or daughter for that matter do not know about and we have never talked about. We knew that while they were here and now that they aren't that saying those things would just create more problems, so we have chosen not to ever mention those things. But he has been doing wrong things since their oldest was a baby and she is now 6 years old. Nobody can tell me that a person with that type of personality for so long can change so quickly...one example of the kind of person he is is that years ago before the kids were born, he lit his cat on fire and stood there and laughed. I was horrified and told him to put the fire out...he did and the cat was not hurt, but he is one sick person to do something like that and laugh. So, when my son sticks up for him, yeah, it does fry my ass, but I just need to keep my mouth shut or say what you said to say

[Caddy]

Geez, what a sicko. I have a co-worker who can't talk to her mother at all about her brother. Her mother refuses to believe he's an alcoholic, so my co-worker just refuses to discuss it, because doing so always makes them fight.