I'm so alone.

[la petite morte]

I have no one.
My family, as supportive as they are, they are uncomfortable, I'm uncomfortable to talk to them.

My friends, the ones I'd be comfortable talking too, always reply with oh noes my life is worse, And the thing is, because of this, I don't want to tell them the major stuff. They are emotional vampires. Which is just making me worse. but they are all I have. and the ones I don't want to talk to, I don't want to talk to them, because I know they wont understand how I feel. And it'll be weird. No one knows me.

Everything just *hurts* breathing hurts, thinking hurts, moving hurts, smiling hurts. I get this horrid feeling of emptiness in my chest. I cried reading the veleteen rabbit to my little cousin, and it upset her so.


I have online people to talk to, but it's just not the same.

I just don't know what to do.

I hate therapy.

My doctor wont prescribe pills.

I've decided that if I fail school I'm going to commit suicide. I've planned everything out.But in a perverse way, it's really doing the opposite, as I've decided unless I fail I can't. Nor if I pass. So I just have to get through these 219 days, between now, and the end of school. I think that the only thing that is stopping me is my family, and the people i talk to online. But I'm worried now, I'll purposely fail subconsciously.

I couldn't bear hurting them. It makes me cry just to think about it. But, I... everything is so dark, so hurtful, I can't even listen to a fucking elvis song without crying. I can't do this anymore. I hate it so fucking much. I, there is NOTHING for me. No, the people I can't bear hurting aren't even a reason to live. I need out. I'm suffocating. I'm drowning, and no one, nothing can save me.

[sarah]

dearest la petit morte, i am writing to you today because you sound so bad, and i wanted to share with you something i learnt in the past week, which is that no matter how bad things are, there is always some way to improve your situation, somehow. I hope that you will believe in this and forget about the deal with yourself if you fail. Nothing is as bad as suicide, and you have to believe that there must be a way out of your misery.

You sound terrible, as though you feel like there is no way out. I feel like this as well, it is so difficult to know what to say, I am sorry you feel this way. I have been making lists of everything i used to do that made me feel good, everything that used to make me feel like i achieved something, and people who i have spent good times in the past and thinking about the good times we did have together.

I read this recently and hope that it could help you to. There is a site online that i believe can help with depression and anxiety it is MoodGYM: Welcome i hope it helps.

lots of love and friendship from sarah

[mitchell61]

My mom killed herself...also her father,( my grandpa).As much as I suffer, this is such a morbid decision Icannot put in words. There always has to be a ray ofhope somehow to go on. My depression is so severethat I am almost a shut in yet there is so much I want to be. I sure hope this may help even if a small way,to say you are not alone...