Four reasons why my life sucks right now

[briansmall]

This is nothing deep or profound. Just my reasons why I’m sad, I just need to say this stuff a dozen more times and maybe then it’ll hurt a little less.

1: Injuries.
I hate it. It’s not fair, why me? It shouldn’t be this bad, I should have recovered by now, six months ago I should have been fine, I’m not. There’s at least another few months to go. It’s humiliating. It’s inconvenient. It’s humbling. It’s unfair. I think about why it happened to me, honestly I know why, I could have told you a year before it happened, that brings me to number 2.

2: I hate that it was my fault.
The minute I took that job I already knew what I was doing. I didn’t have to do manual labour, I had other options but I felt like I had to do my time. Shed my sweat, feel some aches, I had to do real work, hard work, I had to pay for my redemption. Redemption from what, I don’t know, but I felt like I had to do my time. More than that, it wasn’t just a healthy desire to get my hands dirty. I wanted to get hurt. Not debilitated, just hurt. I wanted to be in pain because inside I was in so much pain. I knew this; I consciously thought this many times and pushed it aside. I did a lot of stupid things until eventually the odds caught up with me.

3: I hate that I took the next step I’d planned, and it felt like it failed.
I’d wanted to get hurt, but I expected to move on. When I did get hurt, it was my excuse to move on to the next step in my elaborate, meticulous plans, the next step was university and being forced to leave my job from which I’d earned the money to put myself through uni, was the perfect excuse to go through with it.

I don’t like university, it’s too stifling. There’s no freedom. I feel like I’m so far ahead of where I’m expected to be that I’m just ramming my head against the wall by doing this work. I get insulted by it, and when I disagree with it I cannot voice my opinion because it is an opinion without authority.
I am not good at conformity. I hate that university has not been easy for me, my only source of pride is my brains and yet this academic measure of intelligence shows me to be a fool. That is difficult for me. When I don’t touch the work, ignore it until the last week, study for a week and score near perfect marks on my exams and still fail the course, it shows I am a bad student, but it does not show that I lack the knowledge or understanding. I hate that, I hate that it wont adjust to me and I must adjust to it. I hate that.

4: I hate that even through all of this I feel like I can do so much, like I want to do so much and yet some part of me is missing or broken or gone completely. I don’t know what, I just feel broken.

I don’t know why I keep talking about this here, actually, I keep talking about this to everyone I know or meet. I don’t know why. It’s like I’m asking what’s the meaning of life? But I feel as if until I find an answer as to why I should try, any talent or potential or strength or intelligence that I may have is useless to me, it just sits and collects dust incapable of motivating itself.

[Ashes]

Hi, Briansmall.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling bad. I have noticed that one of the worst parts of my depression is guilt and it sounds like you may be experiencing some yourself. I find it very difficult to deal with these feelings. Is there anything we can do to help?

[lisamarie]

Hey, depression does this to you. You have an illness. I think alot of us hate ourselves and feel like failures in whatever we try to do. I also felt I could do well in college and did well on the homework, but have a terrible memory and failed the tests. I dropped out after I felt like such a failure at everything and have not gone back, which I regret. I wish I had tried harder when I was younger. But I couldn't. I was too ill with mental problems. I know that we all have asked at one time or another, why me? I have been in therapy for 20 plus years and am still addressing issues, which I am not trying to discourage you, but alot of what you go through can not be addressed by by a time limit....please don't put that on yourself..the I should be better by now. All of us take different amounts of time to get better. We all have the should haves, could haves, ect. This only makes us feel worse. Try to let these go, and just "be" and try to take on one thing at a time and stop putting the extra pressure on yourself. Give yourself credit. Also, alot of us have felt like hurting ourselves in different ways not only to get the pain on the outside of ourselves, but to punish ourselves for whatever reason. Sometimes, we do not know why...we just have the desire to put ourselves through it. And being unable to conform to university is not unusual. We all have differing opinions about things and you are right...it is not a place that tolerates that for the most part. Just hang in there. You hate yourself, but others find you meaningful and likeable. The need to tell everyone is not uncommon either. For years that was the only thing I talked about because it consumed my life. There was nothing else I could think of because there seemed to be nothing else worthwhile in my life to talk about. And I too felt the need to get it out there to everyone who would listen and might understand me and support me. I found that people ran away from me eventually because I was just so stuck on that that was consuming my life. Do what you can for now. If you can, stop the pressure on yourself and give yourself credit for what you have done, what you can do, what you have succeeded at, ect. And work on it in therapy or wherever you can with a professional. It is the depression that is causing you to feel this way and it not is a character flaw on your part in any way.