Ashamed of everything about me

[Phoen]

I'm really having a tough time at the moment. I don't want to be truthful here, because I am just so ashamed. In another post I mentioned that I was referred to a Psych outside of my area. Well a friend of my father's knows the director of the clinic....which is how I got this info. I've been living with my parents for several years now...there is the part I'm ashamed of. That and I'm still here, and not much better than when I came (at least that is how it seems now).

While we help each other out, right now, it really is them helping me through the depression/finding the support I need etc. It's just so embarrassing to say, not to mention have this floating out there on the web. I'm also lucky enough to work from home. So about 10 min. before I have to start working there is just this huge emotional explosion in the house. I can safely/honestly say that generally I am the diffuser, and should I be involved in any way I remain calm or leave the area until it is "safe" to emerge...and in regards to how my depression effects our relationship I pretty much don't let on as to what I'm experiencing unless it is really severe...and the side effects never come out on my end as expressing anger/rage etc, even in the midst of household turmoil. This time though it was all me...I lost my cool, and yelled "your not listening to what I'm saying" ...something I NEVER do. What had happened was that this new counseling center called. The secretary wanted to know why I was seeking help in their town for a psychiatrist. I told her that there are no avail. ones in our area, and that a friend of the family knew the director. She said they are having a hard enough time finding help for the people in their town...around this time I began to get shaky nervous because she was a bit on the confrontational side...and to be honest, this is hard enough for me as this is. Mind you this was now 10 min. before I had to start working. I did not know the name of my fathers friend, so I explained how I came to know about the opening etc. She started going on about again meeting the needs of their community, which I totally understand. During this time my father was speaking loudly trying to get the phone etc. 5 min. before work started now...I told her that I would call her back with the info/or have this person call the director. Basically then the damn broke...there are times when there is a lot of anger in the household as my father does not always know how to handle expressing his emotions in an effective manner, and generally I try to help diffuse it. So he was upset that I did not hand the phone to him, and I'm trying to explain the situation and yelled "You are not listening to me!" and as I'm explaining the situation I'm yelling vs. calmly talking. Again, something very out of character for me. Now he is yelling, and I have to leave to start working. Basically it just really caught me off guard...I started bawling, and dry heaving. I could feel this anger like I've never felt it before...Luckily there was a delay at work, so I could gather myself, but still I was bawling/and getting sick for a solid hour (something that just never happens). I know that our house is a sick one...there has always been a very unhealthy element in regards to all of us, and I've spent quite some time working on how not to feed into that, and notice my actions/reactions etc.. I know, my living here has been difficult for my parents...and no amount of cleaning/cooking/helping run the house on my end will get rid of that. To be honest brutally honest, the reason why I hang on to life, is that I know I'm supposed to "take care" of my parents as they continue to age...that is my duty as I'm their only child. I'm so tired though...and this episode was so out of character for me...I'm the one that keeps things calm...yet I caused the chaos...I would leave, but I have no where to go,nor the money to do so...something else I'm ashamed of. Luckily I have a therapy session tomorrow. I feel so small and sick right now...and I can't stop crying.

[Chaz]

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. The woman on the phone clearly did not help matters with her approach in how she talked to you.

It sounds like there's a lot of unsaid stuff between you and your parents and at times it's brewing just below the surfacee. I'm really sad that your in the situation you're in and it sounds like the position you have of the 'diffuser' is taking it's toll on you mentally. I was the scapegoat for my parents marrige problems, when things got bad I tended to suffer so have some idea of what it's like to have a health relatiohsip with one's parents.

Is it possible if you could sit down with your parents, especially your dad and try and have a calm talk with him about some of the issues. Even if you were able to broach the subject of him listening to you and how that is important to you.

Please don't be ashamed of yourself and who you are. Your struggling alone it seems and lacking nurturing from the people (despite their age and your age) you should be able to get some from. I'm not meaning to critisise your parents, more that I want to recognise that they, for whatever reason, aren't giving what you need from them.