Hey

[Expressive Child]

Hey guys, you know how I always wonder why am I still alive? So many times, I thought of suicide and wanted so bad to die and end it all and still here I am... Coming from an abusive family, I know I can't expect myself to find much happiness or joy, in facing a world this harsh. I feel speechless right now, though I feel somewhat moved to say a little something about myself. Well... its tough to explain why do I feel the way I do today. I should have been a happy guy today and live life to the fullest and see things as optimistically as possible yet I am today, an extremely suicidal and depressed child that couldn't grow. I am almost certain now that there is no use in hoping when better days are out of reach. I really don't know how to go on hoping anymore.

Ever since I was born, it seem foredoomed that my future will be bleak. I knew I was born abnormal and psychologically unwell. But I didn't chose to be that way. My folks find it easy to blame me for everything and they didn't care, they used to abused me and often demoralized me with harsh words and making me think I am bound to be a loser for life. But they knew all the while that I do need their love and care and for me, thats all that matters but it seems too much to ask. Yea, I got into lots of trouble in school and again I am often punished by my folks for that. Well, seems to me everything that is wrong in the family has to be my fault because I wasn't as smart as a normal child.

When I was 8, my dad punched me on the face for a trivial reason. And till today, that very moment haunts me. There is just so many things I guess... As a working adult, I find it too hard to cope with life. With all the memories of my painful childhood haunting me, and the harsh realities of life is just bringing me down no matter how hard I fought or how much I try to remind myself to stay strong instead of giving in. I first thought of suicide when I was 11. Yeah, one of the reasons I find it hard to believe that I am still here. For more than 20 years, I face constant verbal and physical abuse from both my parents. They often demoralize me by telling me I was born a loser, that I am a curse to even exist in their lives. It's been years since I moved out to be on my own, yet things just don't get better. I don't know if they every will...

I have never slept well all my life, the memories of the past never stop haunting me with nightmares and flashbacks.

Just wondering if time is really not on my side.....

[elleb]

I hear you and I feel your sadness...wish I would know how to ease your pain..