i showed my parents my wounds and they found the pills i had put together to commit suicide. they tried to make it sound nice but what they pretty much said was either go to a shrink or they would take me to the hospital and that the doctors and nurses there would send me a clinic.

i went to a shrink. she gave me medication right away. with right away i mean that i had to take them as soon as they were sure i was healthy.

my parents made me talk to them even though i made it clear i didn't want to.

i tried going to the shrink regularly and taking the pills and listening to my parents. but the hope i had died. they all have no idea. i told the shrink quite a lot of stuff that were important to me. he twisted it into something else. just like my parents. and the pills just made everything worse. they just numb you and if you don't take them then you feel even worse than before you started taking them.

i decided to stop with all the treatment. at first my parents were devastated cuz they thought i needed that. they don't trust me anymore and they treat me differently than before too. they tried to talk me out of stopping but now they agreed that if i don't feel bad (which is what i tried to convince them so they could leave me the fuck alone as much as possible) i am allowed to stop.

point is, i'm just angry cuz everyone says that you don't have to do something but if you don't do what they want you to, they make your life hell. or the other option they give you is simply something that no one would ever want.

plus i kinda like pain and i have always been obsessed with scars. as a kid i was always proud when i scratched myself and wore a scar. i was sad if the scar faded. which brought me to cutting at some point. but how to explain to other people that you cut simply cuz you like to cut? no one would understand. my parents wouldn't have been half as angry with me if i hadn't cut.

i guess what i wanted to say is that not everything is as it seems.
i don't mind cutting. i don't cut cuz i feel bad, i like cutting.
the darkness doesn't make me feel bad, it is my only home. i don't want it to go away, i realized that through the pills.
all i want is someone to understand and share the darkness with me and let me cut if i like it.