Trouble connecting with therapists

[risdernip]

I'm wondering if anyone else has issues connecting with therapists. I just never feel like they get me. I've had 11 different therapists in the last 10 years. I know you may be thinking that it has to be me, not them. But I swear, I go in with good intentions. I'm not difficult. Inevetibaly, they offend me, tell me I'm making no progress, or just do all the talking. I've even had a therapist walk out on me, leaving me in his office. He told me he couldn't work with me anymore because I was too indecisive. I'm the messed up one; aren't they supposed to tolerate me and help me?

I just got out of therapy with a new therapist that I've seen twice. I was telling her how I've struggled for the last 10 plus years. She told me that I am immature. So, I said, "So, you would diagnose me with immaturity?" She said, no... that she didn't know me well enough to say that. I told her that she made me feel like I could have snapped out of it all these years. Depression is not immaturity. I don't choose to be depressed. I don't think that maturity has anything to do with it. Do I make immature impulsive decisions at times? Yes. But I feel that is part of a bigger problem. I felt like she demeaned my problems. Before I saw her, I saw a psychiatrist. He said I had possible bipolar and definite depression and social anxiety. Then I go to see her... directly after seeing him... and she says "You're immature. I wouldn't say you're bipolar." That's why I hate therapy. Conflicting messages. I KNOW this is more than immaturity. I have been messed up for a long time. Even as a child, I was different. I guess I feel invalidated by her.

Some of my ongoing problems are: inability to make or continue friendships and romantic relationships. I will start something when I am in a good mood. Then, within a week or a couple months at most, I have to figure out a way to end it because I just don't have the energy or motivation to continue it. I am pretty much a recluse. I go to work and put on a mask of normalcy pretty well. But I go whole weekends without seeing another person. I have no social network. I sleep too much, I eat too much. I am anxious all the time. I do stupid things like spend way too much money. It's a cycle... get fat, be a recluse, don't answer the phone, don't talk to anyone. Lose weight, feel good about myself, find a boyfriend. Sink back into depression. Dump the boyfriend. Rack up thousands of dolarrs on credit card debt to feel better. Doesn't work. Cut up all credit cards. Eat too much. Gain all the weight back. Become a recluse. Get bored being a recluse. Repeat. Do you sum all this up to immaturity? I've repeated this cycle at least 5 times in the last 10 years. I'm so tired of it. There was a period where I was heavily addicted to xanax. Even went to rehab for it. Don't touch that kind of stuff any more.

I feel that I don't know exactly who I am or what I want. When I do have friends, I can be very chameleon like. I'll mirror them to an extent. Then I start to feel fake and I drop them.

Does any one identify with any of this? After my therapy today, I feel very confused. I just want to hear that some one else understands.

I am on wellbutrin, seroquel, and the psychiatrist added lamictal? today. I've never felt a significant difference from antidepressants. The seroquel, however, is a life saver because it helps me sleep.

Thanks to any one who can relate or give me insight.

[BoBoGo]

Yes, I can relate to a lot of this. I've lost count of the number, but i've seen at least 2 dozen therapists since i was a teenager. i think a lot of people have had poor experiences, so you're not alone.

For me the key to finding a good therapist was realizing that just like i have a different learning style, i also respond better to certain different therapies. i'm more visual, so i need something a bit more than the standard talk therapy: i need to be able to talk in strange metaphors, or draw out what's going on. one therapist was really good for me because she used art therapy. it was so helpful when i was down so low, to the point where i just couldn't find words, to just grab a big pastel crayon to draw the feeling. sometimes she'd offer a suggestion of something to draw, but after that i'd get going and i was amazed at what came out on the paper.

i also Hate being talked down to, so the best therapists i've had were ones who respected my own lived wisdom (or at least gave me that impression). one thing i do now in an intake session is "interview" the therapist--i want to know where they got their training, what kinds of therapy they do, etc. i've also found that if the therapist has dealt with an extended period of mental illness themselves and come out the other side in one piece, they also tend to be less condescending. they've been there on the other side.

anyway, i just wanted to encourage you and say that there are good therapists out there, but yeah, it's a tough process trying to find a good fit for what you need.

[TraversD]

Oh, I can relate. The one who called you "immature" -- I'd like to know where she trained, dumping a judgment like that on your head after two sessions, and disagreeing with a M.D.'s diagnosis. I'm not a mental health professional, at all, but I know better than that! A therapist is supposed to help you figure out what's going on, why your life isn't working as well as you want it to, and how you can change, not slap a demeaning label on you.

I've fired a therapist, myself, and the next one I had ended up having a breakdown herself (which gave me a rough couple of days, until I decided that the work I had done with her was still my work, and it was still good stuff).

Even a really good therapist (my first one was known as one of the very best in town, Psy.D. and all that, and we had worked well for a couple years) isn't much help, if you can't really communicate well, if you're not "on the same wavelength."

If you've been working with therapists with clinical psychology degrees, MSW's, and like that, maybe you can give a different kind of therapist a try. After I fired the Psy.D., I started with holistic practitioners -- and it worked much better for me. I'm not saying that's what you need -- but whatever kind of therapists you've been seeing, try to find a different kind.

And please, keep trying -- the right therapist can make a very big difference. And you do need to break that cycle, you deserve some lasting happiness.

Mirroring friends and feeling fake -- I've been there. Not lately, but I've been there. Maybe this will help: even people without MI feel fake at times. Everybody "wears a mask" in public, it's just that for "people like us," the masks are thicker and heavier -- and the illness tells us that having the mask at all is proof that we're no good. The illness lies. These feelings are not facts! Next time you get those "fake" feelings, try ignoring them, or just letting them roll through, because there's a real chance that if you can wait them out, they'll just go away.

So -- welcome. Your family may not get it, your friends may not get it, but we do. We won't drop judgments on you, we're all sick of being on the receiving end of that kind of treatment ourselves. We're your tribe, and we're always on your side.

[marla38]

Hi, it does sound as if you have not had good luck with therapists. It also sounds as if your psychiatrist is on the right track as far as you being bipolar. You have typical symptoms that are exactly like bipolar disorder. I don't know. I see a psychiatrist for therapy and one for meds. Yeah, that's two psychiatrists, but I have found that my psychiatrist who does therapy with me is the exception to the rule. I have had therapy also with one other therapist at the same time I have been seeing my psychiatrist..first in the hospital, then for marriage counseling, and at times still for coverage when my psychiatrist is on vacation if I am in a particularly bad place. I am fortunate for my psychiatrist. But I have known people who have very different experiences with therapists. Some are like you have described, and want you to focus entirely on the here and now no matter what kinds of issues you need to work through. They do not want to hear your own pattern..they want to only hear what you are doing to not be that way because they do believe that we choose depression. It is an illness. It is not who we are, yet it affects who we are. You are right in trying to find the right fit with a therapist. I would only suggest that you say these things to a therapist and give it some time to find out if the therapist finally "gets it". If not, yeah, move on until you do find one that works for you. Might I add, ask your psychiatrist if he or she knows of any therapist who specializes in your issues or is the type that you need. Good luck and hang in there.

[risdernip]

Yes, I can relate to a lot of this. I've lost count of the number, but i've seen at least 2 dozen therapists since i was a teenager. i think a lot of people have had poor experiences, so you're not alone.

For me the key to finding a good therapist was realizing that just like i have a different learning style, i also respond better to certain different therapies. i'm more visual, so i need something a bit more than the standard talk therapy: i need to be able to talk in strange metaphors, or draw out what's going on. one therapist was really good for me because she used art therapy. it was so helpful when i was down so low, to the point where i just couldn't find words, to just grab a big pastel crayon to draw the feeling. sometimes she'd offer a suggestion of something to draw, but after that i'd get going and i was amazed at what came out on the paper.

i also Hate being talked down to, so the best therapists i've had were ones who respected my own lived wisdom (or at least gave me that impression). one thing i do now in an intake session is "interview" the therapist--i want to know where they got their training, what kinds of therapy they do, etc. i've also found that if the therapist has dealt with an extended period of mental illness themselves and come out the other side in one piece, they also tend to be less condescending. they've been there on the other side.

anyway, i just wanted to encourage you and say that there are good therapists out there, but yeah, it's a tough process trying to find a good fit for what you need.

Thanks, I'm glad you brought up the art therapy. I breifly got to participate in that while in a treatment center for addictions. I was shocked about the accuracy in which the therapist interpreted my art and found things I didn't even realize I was communicating. I will look into that!

And as far as therapists being condescending... it astonishes me! Granted, I am VERY sensitive. What happens to me a lot is that I will just completely shut down when the therapist says something I percieve as hurtful. I know I need a thicker skin, because sometimes the truth hurts.

Thanks again!

[Mary]

Hi, I'm 51 and have suffered for over 20 years with depression. I keep going because I have an autistic child who really needs me but I have to say a lot of the time I am just existing. Speaking of therapists, I recently stopped going to one because he made me feel like shit. I confided in him about how it made me feel when my sister treated me like I didn't exist down through the years and he replied that my family are embarrassed by me. My mother just died last December and I need to feel close to my brother and sister more than ever. I haven't worked for years because of this depression which never goes away and because of other problems also so I think he is one of those people who resents someone being on the system. Basically he was either a condescending little bigot or just plain stupid if he thought this approach would help me. Now I feel worse than ever because people do this to me all the time. I think they sense that I don't feel good about myself and kick me when I'm down. You have all said that you find it difficult to connect with therapists, I find it difficult to connect with any human being. I love four legged creatures, they are my best friends along with my immediate family. Outside of that I have no one, don't seem to get along with people because I know before long they will say something cruel. I am thinking of taking up meditation and hopefully learn to be comfortable in my own skin, look inside for the answers and not to people. I now 100% believe in life after death and from what I am reading people who have had near death experiences say that we have picked our own lives and problems in order to develop more spiritually in this life. We have lessons to learn. For me the same things keep happening to me over and over again. Perhaps my lesson is to believe in myself in the face of all kinds of attacks from the outside world, to I guess become egoless. Hope we can all overcome our problems and find some peace.

[Dragonfly]

It's important to know, sometimes the doc and therapist are not on the same page. Their view and schooling is different. Many therapists don't even believe in mental illness. Most I had did not. They just see it as symptoms of some kind inner problem you can sort out, or something you created to escape real life, some even think it is laziness. I don't even try "therapy" anymore, because therapists rarely been on my side. They have more been there to accuse me of things like I'm a criminal. I do better without that stuff.

[risdernip]

wow... i totally agree. the past week i have been thinking about this a lot. like why would any therapist... unless they are a saint or truly called to help people... truly give a s**t about my problems? they don't. and furthermore, they don't believe in mi. what a waste of my time. to anyone who does find them helpful - good for you! but it's just not my experience.