I feel like I've been getting nowhere for so long now that I don't think I remember where I am headed.
I am and have for a long time been frightened of drs. something about the fact that they never hear what I am trying to say makes it feel so pointless I feel ignored and shoved in a box. But I have been trying. Going to the regular appointments counts for something, even if she only wants to see me because of the wretched self-harm (I know its a duty of care issue but its really pretty low on my worries list).
Despite my fears that I shouldn't take meds (not worth it?) I compromised on betablockers, 40mg up to 3 times a day though I try for only twice unless i'm really edgy. They help with the shaking and the racing heart, I'm more in control and I think that means I have a better chance of stopping my head- but the panic attacks aren't gone and i am no longer sure that the better control is not more to do with other changes in my life (incl. my partner going onto meds). so are they worth the cold hands and dizziness when I stand up? Am I ready yet to give AD's a go? Instead?
At the same time I got 4 sessions with the in-house therapist, didn't wait long actually but thats why only 4 (its mixed private and nhs - i don't pay so I'm not entitled to the longer priority treatments). I was adamant with the dr no meds until i had counselling. I got a little cbt, but actually she gave up on it quite fast and told me i over-thought everything and controlled everything anyway so it might not help. She spoke to my dr and recommended more counselling so I got an iapt referral.
This is a new government initiative. Its fast I'll give you that, a week from referral to initial telephone consultation and 2 days later they suggested group therapy for the following week. When I spoke to my dr we agreed that group isn't really appropriate for me, she rang them. Ten days later another call & face-to-face evaluation for 1-to-1. This was somewhat delayed by snow and xmas holidays but lo I get back and I have the appointment. Turns out this gives me 6 sessions of cbt, guided self-help. Any other counselling is still months worth of referrals but the govt can meet some targets on giving more people therapy. sigh. Its not that cbt isnt useful and trust me I'm taking the course with as much support as i can get, but it has already been suggested to me, I think quite reasonably, it isn't long-term enough or engaging enough to me personally to get rid of over 10 years of self-loathing and misery.
So should I try and get something else now? do I scrape some money together to pay? do I ask to be put on the waiting list?
Is it all just procrastinating and feeling sorry for myself?

"Is it all just procrastinating and feeling sorry for myself? ". No it isn't, you have been and are in tough place. I hope the cbt stuff works (even if it only works a little, that will help).

Gotta laugh, On my 3rd session the short-term cbt counsellor told me that on reviewing her case-load with her supervisor they both think that that option isn't best for me so I should have another clinical assessment with a counsellor and come up with a new treatment plan.

Assessment c. 3 weeks, new plan - unknown.
I guess its a comfort that 2 counsellors in a row have said.. hmm cbt wont really work for you we should do something different and even that they are working through the steps to get there, it just seems such hassle to get something different and more long-term on the nhs without going through in-patient treatment, it looks like I have a load more hoops to jump through yet.
Mind you I still feel lucky to have taken a short cut, a bipolar friend of mine in the same area on hearing the address of the clinic I was attending looked at me and said 's**t you have to do something serious to get in there and even then I waited 6months' which does make me feel lucky (in a manner of speaking)
still not sure about meds though and i still feel like i might be making it all up - what is with my brain on that one?

Funnily enough the therapy I went thro have a very anti cbt ethos - and many professionals don't them but it does make sense - people need an opportunity to reflect on their lives, undo their past in order to move on, not just ignore it and deal with the symptoms - the cause is what matters..... Am I right in thinking ur not that far from me? If so could message you...

CBT doesn't seem to work for me becuase I have long-term stuff to get rid of as well as just patterns of behaviour, and because i over-think it and stress about whether I am doing it right, working hard enough or thinking the right thoughts..I really see the point of it - just not for me.

Feeling really low at the moment, kind of hopeless and useless. The irony is that the worse I feel the less I feel like I am really ill. I am becoming more and more convinced I have made this up and that I should be able to think my way out of it and that I am so much better off physically, financially and emotionally than so many other people I have no cause for complaint.
I have tried to imagine what sort of person would be able to tell me that it was ok and that i was really ill but that it could be fixed and that I could rest while they took care of me for me to believe them but I dont know that such a person exists except me and I can't quite manage it.

Well 1st can I say that you are one heck of a warrior for working with CBT despite the frustration. Could it be the counselor? Are you able to have any choice at all with who you see? I think what helped me greatly was getting to the point where I interviewed the therapists before seeing them. That really did give great insight into how they interact with clients. When I went to my therapist 4 yrs. ago/ who I still see I remember stating what did not work with me in the past...(an example here...now don't laugh, but I had more than one therapist who used a card game with an emotion written on it, and you have to give examples etc....I'm sure that would be a good tool for those who don't know what they are feeling, or young children, but it was not an effective way to spend my session). You mention self paying, are there any centers/therapists that have a sliding scale based on your income and expenses? I find it hard to believe that there is not someone out there who can work with you on your issues, but I'm having a similar issue with finding a Psychiatrist to help with meds .It's frustrating I know, but you deserve to have support. I hope that you look into other possible options.

sigh
Still no word from the IAPT, I had hoped to hear from them about a new assessment but nothing yet. After a month I emailed my most recent counsellor (ie the one that told me she didnt think she could do any more for me and was referring me on) so maybe this week I'll get a call. I feel like I have got to the point where I cant cope and not knowing what is next hasnt been helping. So I caved and joined the citalopram club.
Its only been a few days and the side-effects havent worn off yet. I feel dreadful, physically and mentally. I keep telling myself that this too will pass but its really hard. My RL support is somewhere between excellent and rubbish - only those closest to me know (and they both take citalopram) and they have been loving and caring but they are worrying about every little thing and that they aren't looking after me enough which makes them miserable and just makes me worry about them.
I just want to whinge about how I hurt, my headache wont go away, I am dizzy and cant stop shaking and my mouth is dry with a bad taste. I keep waking up in a panic, I cant stop thinking about slicing open my arms and though im miserable about all of these Im not sure I care. Im not sure I care about anything including other people which is both frightening and doesnt quite matter.
Can I have a little reassurance?