Obsession with suicide

[Justagirl]

I'm new here so I have no idea what to expect. I will tell it as it is and see.
I felt I had to search for somewhere I could post, somewhere there is a chance I may be understood without being misjudged.
I, in short, seem to think of my death daily and the smaller details and frequency is forever increasing. I work for the emergency services and am in contact with people and their suicides. Either attempts or successes. I do find it hard and think of their family but more often then not am overcome by jealousy. I am ashamed to admit that. I feel I am not at risk as I have taken the step to even write this. I am again a little disappointed in myself for that for only being at this stage.
I can't remember a day that has gone by without me thinking of suicide. Ways, where and outcome. I don't really offer a lot to anyone so no tragic loss would be felt which often draws me to tears or fantasising about my death.
I can't remember an age where I wasn't depressed. It feels like such a lame thing to admit. But from a the youngest age I always felt I wouldn't be missed. I do have a lovely family and know that such a statement would upset them which I'd never wish to do
I just don't know how long I can go dreaming of escaping. Faking my death as an accident would no doubt help my family cope a little. I feel a fraud writing as to me in my job, those who ask for help rarely seem to go through with it. So really I have no right writing on here at all. But is this normal behaviour? The time spend fantasising (awful expression by the way) is increasing and im not in a position to talk to those around me or to my doctor.
Like I say I am new to this, I may have waffled too much but am so unsure and lost I just don't know what to do.

[mig]

I think there are a lot of people out there sharing same problem.
I have same obsession.But comes in waves.Sometimes i really want to die.
Especially this week i really want it.I think about quitting all the time.
I feel like i would have a relief when i stop breathing.
I think this feeling comes when life gets boring and monotonous.
I also think that this feeling has a connection with disappointment,being too idealistic and having great expectations or aims.
Today i couldn't handle this feeling so i googled it to see if there is someone like me.I found tons of stuff about this.Mostly people diagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder writes about this.
It feels nice to know that im not alone.
And i have a question for you.Do you have problem with society?Do you like the way they live.
I think this feeling could be related to that.
Please excuse my language.I'm not a native.
May the light be with you.

[neiljackson002]

Hello Mig. I can understand your feeling and sentiments. However forget every thing and try to think about those who counts on you. Try to realize about those who have groomed you who have taken your care when you were kid. I think that you are well built and do not have any disability but think of those poor people who are disable but yet are fighting with their lives with every one to get their smile back to achieve their destiny. Therefore it's my humble request to change your thoughts if possible and try to look at this life with a different angle no matter what may come your way. May the grace of god with you.

[mig]

Thanks neil.I appreciate your advice.
Actually this is not a constant feeling.Most of the time i don't feel it.
But when i get weak it gets in.Anyways by you talking about grace of god.This feeling must be my demon i think.
Demon that battles on my soul.Wants my soul in the darkness.Gives me fury,fear,hatred,anger and wants to keep it that way.
But i dont know most of the time i feel the light within.I feel the pattern.I feel unity of whole.
Thanks again for yor advice.Light may be upon you.

[krminnj]

For many years I also fantasized about suicide daily. Hourly even! But now while I still think about it, it is no longer an obsession. I just wanted to tell you so that you know that the feeling can go away. When I was feeling that way I thought it would never end.